Friday, September 29, 2006

Bush on Torture: The Early Years

Since President George W. Bush, our Esteemed and Most Righteous Leader®, now gets to decide what constitutes "cruel and inhumane" treatment of prisoners, I decided to look back at his own history to see what clues we may gather as to his judgment in these matters.

What I found was surprising, yet not shocking.  Diaries kept by the President's nanny, along with accompanying notes from his mother, Barbara Bush, lay out clear lines on what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment of other living creatures, according to our All-Wise and All-Knowing Most Righteous Leader®.

[NOTE: Below are summaries of diary notes kept by George W. Bush's nanny, Paulina Gonzalez, along with accompanying hand-written notes of his mother, Barbara Bush.  No relevant facts or quotes have been altered in any way from the original text.]

  • July 13, 1950 - Four-year-old George W. Bush nabs a house fly that is sitting on the edge of his cup of chocolate milk and proceeds to pull the fly's wings off.  George's mother, Barbara, chuckles and says, "What a chip off the old block! I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass!"

  • July 14, 1950 - Four-year-old George W. Bush squats in his Midland, Texas yard, burning ants with a magnifying glass.  His mother says, "Can you hear them sizzle, Georgie?"

  • September 11, 1952 - Six-year-old George W. Bush set up his Alamo Real Action Battle Set®, and, after losing the Alamo to the Mexican army, declares that it is time to invade Canada.  George W.'s father, George H.W. Bush, says, "I think that's a bad idea, son.  Focus on the task at hand."  George W. calls his father "a weenie" and prepares his soldiers to invade Canada.

  • February 15, 1953 - George W. Bush's new brother, Jeb, comes home from the hospital with his parents.  As soon as his parents retreat to the library for their evening cocktail, George jams his index finger into his infant brother's eye.  Jeb's screaming brings Barbara Bush into the nursery as George stands innocently by.  Barbara flips Jeb over on his stomach and slaps him hard on buttocks three times, shouting, "No crying during cocktail hour, goddamn it!" George W. smiles.

  • May 13, 1956 - Nine-year-old George W. Bush lures a squirrel close by offering handfuls of peanuts.  When the squirrel nears, George snatches the squirrel by the tail and begins spinning it around rapidly, in close proximity to the trunk of a large walnut tree.  Just then, Barbara Bush runs out to the yard, shouting, "George!  Don't bash that squirrel's head on the tree!  Not when you're wearing one of your good, white shirts!"  George is forced to release the dazed squirrel and retreat to his bedroom where he changes into a navy blue pocket-t-shirt before resuming his squirrel-whipping.

  • November 12, 1958 - The Bush family dog, Chester, squirms uncomfortably in the backyard as George W. Bush yells at his brother Jeb to "hold the goddamn dog down, Jebbie!" as 12-year-old George pushes a broomstick into the dog's rectum. Barbara Bush comes outside to investigate the howling and says with a chuckle, "Your grandfather use to do things like that to the kitchen help!"

I'm digging up more, but I thought this was enough for a first post.  I'll continue researching the subject so that we can all get a better handle on what our Magnanimous and Most Excellent and Most Righteous Leader® thinks is appropriate treatment of prisoners under the law passed by the Senate today.

Stay tuned...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Bush, Cheney share "Salesman of the Year" honors for third consecutive year at al Qaeda convention

This just in off the PR wire:


Bush, Cheney take home top honors at annual al Qaeeda convention

(PR NewsLiar - Waziristan, Pakistan - September 27, 2006) For the third consecutive year, U.S.A. Preident George Bush and U.S.A. Vice President Dick Cheney have taken home "Salesman of the Year" honors at the annual al Qaeda convention.

"It's unprecedented in the history of the organization," noted His High Holiness and Master Osama bin Laden. "We've had Sheiks and Imams nab the coveted award two years in a row based on sales and recruitment tactics in local mosques, but the race the past three years hasn't even been close. Bush and Cheney buried everyone in the race to bring more recruits willing to blow themselves sky high into the organization."

His Most Holy Reverence cited quotes from Bush's own "National Intelligence Estimate" that highlight the American leaders' recruitmeent prowess, including the following passage:

"The Iraq conflict has become the 'cause celebre' for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of US involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement."

"All praise to Allah for bringing us George Bush and Dick Cheney," His Righteous and Holy One said while the assembled conventioneers repeated his mantra.

The convention, held at Sayed's Wedding, Convention and Jihad Hall in the recently declared safe-haven of Waziristan, Pakistan, was attended by more 300 al Qaeda members from as far away as Indonesia.

His Most Righteous Destroyer of Unbelievers awarded the "Sales Sword of Sacrifice" to Bush and Cheney in abstentia, noting that the two also receive a 10-day, 11-night stay (including first-class airfare) at the luxurious, al Qaeda Convention and Training Facility, now being completed in an undisclosed corner of Waziristan, a deluxe set of robes and headdresses from the "Only Allah" collection, and a factory-refurbished, shoulder-launch SAM missile weapon.

"Once again this year," His Ultimate Defender of the Faith noted, "we had to up our budget to cover the cost of offering two grand prize awards, but the job these fellows did is indeed outstanding, and, thus, the awards committee eagerly awarded two first place prize packages."

Other convention attendees noted that they were unable to compete with the success of Bush and Cheney.

"This year, I signed up a three or four young guys who may or may not be interested in blowing themselves up in the near future," laughed Imam Ali Hamid Mushara, "but to do what these guys do? Year after year after year? I feel like the Chicago Cubs playing the Yankees!"

The convention also included a slide show depicting the progress on the new training and convention facility that elicited "Oohs" and "Ahhs" from the crowd of assembled jihadis.

"Those new prayer rugs are hot!" shouted one jihadi from the back of the hall. A second one likened the East-facing view depicted in one slide as "absolutely tip-top!"

The new facility is expected to be completed in time for next year's convention, slated for September 25 - October 1.

His Most Righteous Most Holy Most Tallest closed the convention with a prayer asking Allah to "ensure that Bush and Cheney also start another war in Iran before the moon rises another 365 times."

One al Qaeda recruiter lamented, "If they do that, we may as well give them next year's award right now."

All praise the Most Exulted and Righteous Leader. All praise Allah.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

U.S. to Turn Over Control of Baghdad to Iraqis Once All Iraqis Removed from Baghdad

News item from Sunday's New York Times:

The United States military announced that it had formally handed over the infamous Abu Ghraib prison to the Iraqi government on Friday. The prison is empty because the Americans and Iraqis transferred detainees to other centers before the handover.

Handing over control of empty buildings is a shining example of the success of the administration's "when-they-stand-up, we'll-stand-down" strategy as witnessed in this report from Reuters:

"Yesterday, Abu Ghraib prison was handed over by U.S. forces," (government spokesman Ali) al-Dabbagh told a news conference. "It is now empty of any detainee or prisoner."

"Now the prison is protected by Iraqi forces and the Iraqi government will look into how to benefit from it in the national interest," he added.

And now the administration plans to take this model of success and apply it to all of Baghdad, and, possibly, the rest of Iraq.

According to this report from Rooters:

The U.S. commander in Iraq, General Peter Pace, called the Abu Ghraib handoff, "an unqualified success."

"The Iraqis are now maintaining security at this empty prison facility on their own," Pace said.  "We think this has implications for the security situation in Baghdad and throughout Iraq."

Pace then described a process in which all Iraqis in Baghdad would be evacuated to other localities, "at which time we could then hand over security for the city to Iraqi police and military forces."

"This is a win-win for both Iraqi and U.S. forces," Pace continued, "and in line with our strategy to stand down as Iraqi forces stand up."

When a reporter pointed out that Iraqi military and police units who remain behind in Baghdad would be composed of Iraqis, Pace quipped, "You hand off control to the security forces you have, not the security forces you wish you had."

Pace said the program would then be rolled out across the country, first removing all Iraqis from an area before turning over control to Iraqi security forces.

When asked where all the Iraqi citizens who were being evacuated from area after area would go, Pace looked to Pentagon spokesman Larry Odenkurk who turned his up his palms and shrugged his shoulders in a "How-would-I-know?" gesture.

"Look, if we can get rid of all the Iraqis, our security situation within Iraq will improve greatly," Pace said.

He then abruptly ended the press conference and left the room.

Back in Washington, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defended the new Iraqi relocation policy by citing the administration's success in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina.

"I mean, how many people will die there now if New Orleans is hit by another major hurricane? The place is practically a ghost town," Rumsfeld said. "We scattered most of the coloreds all over the country.  So this is a proven strategy that works."