Bush, Cheney share "Salesman of the Year" honors for third consecutive year at al Qaeda convention
This just in off the PR wire:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Bush, Cheney take home top honors at annual al Qaeeda convention
(PR NewsLiar - Waziristan, Pakistan - September 27, 2006) For the third consecutive year, U.S.A. Preident George Bush and U.S.A. Vice President Dick Cheney have taken home "Salesman of the Year" honors at the annual al Qaeda convention.
"It's unprecedented in the history of the organization," noted His High Holiness and Master Osama bin Laden. "We've had Sheiks and Imams nab the coveted award two years in a row based on sales and recruitment tactics in local mosques, but the race the past three years hasn't even been close. Bush and Cheney buried everyone in the race to bring more recruits willing to blow themselves sky high into the organization."
His Most Holy Reverence cited quotes from Bush's own "National Intelligence Estimate" that highlight the American leaders' recruitmeent prowess, including the following passage:"The Iraq conflict has become the 'cause celebre' for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of US involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement."
"All praise to Allah for bringing us George Bush and Dick Cheney," His Righteous and Holy One said while the assembled conventioneers repeated his mantra.
The convention, held at Sayed's Wedding, Convention and Jihad Hall in the recently declared safe-haven of Waziristan, Pakistan, was attended by more 300 al Qaeda members from as far away as Indonesia.
His Most Righteous Destroyer of Unbelievers awarded the "Sales Sword of Sacrifice" to Bush and Cheney in abstentia, noting that the two also receive a 10-day, 11-night stay (including first-class airfare) at the luxurious, al Qaeda Convention and Training Facility, now being completed in an undisclosed corner of Waziristan, a deluxe set of robes and headdresses from the "Only Allah" collection, and a factory-refurbished, shoulder-launch SAM missile weapon.
"Once again this year," His Ultimate Defender of the Faith noted, "we had to up our budget to cover the cost of offering two grand prize awards, but the job these fellows did is indeed outstanding, and, thus, the awards committee eagerly awarded two first place prize packages."
Other convention attendees noted that they were unable to compete with the success of Bush and Cheney.
"This year, I signed up a three or four young guys who may or may not be interested in blowing themselves up in the near future," laughed Imam Ali Hamid Mushara, "but to do what these guys do? Year after year after year? I feel like the Chicago Cubs playing the Yankees!"
The convention also included a slide show depicting the progress on the new training and convention facility that elicited "Oohs" and "Ahhs" from the crowd of assembled jihadis.
"Those new prayer rugs are hot!" shouted one jihadi from the back of the hall. A second one likened the East-facing view depicted in one slide as "absolutely tip-top!"
The new facility is expected to be completed in time for next year's convention, slated for September 25 - October 1.
His Most Righteous Most Holy Most Tallest closed the convention with a prayer asking Allah to "ensure that Bush and Cheney also start another war in Iran before the moon rises another 365 times."
One al Qaeda recruiter lamented, "If they do that, we may as well give them next year's award right now."
All praise the Most Exulted and Righteous Leader. All praise Allah.