Friday, April 14, 2006

What I bought at the bazaar

I was on a business trip to Afghanistan this week, helping President Hamid Karzai come up with marketing strategies to win over regional warlords Afghan political leaders when I simply ran out of hard drive space on my Dell Inspiron 6400®*.

Faced with the dilemma of not being able to produce a really cool PowerPoint Hamid could use to convince these brutal drug lords lovers of Afhanistan's new-found freedom and democracy to join his government and "stop killing every goddamned government official I send to their regions", I went looking for a computer shop where I could buy a flash memory stick.

As I walked through the local Bagram bazaar, gnoshing on kabobs and hummus and buying traditional Afghan caps (pakols) and robes for friends and family back home, I came across two different merchants selling "used" memory sticks. Against my better judgement (never put a used memory stick into your computer's USB port if you're not sure where it's been!), I bought a used stick. After all, I was desperate.

I plugged the stick into the USB and this message instantly popped up onto my screen:


Okay, I thought, now what? Should I turn this in to my American handlers and tell them I bought this at the Bagram bazaar? Of course, doing that would be admitting that I looked at the stick's contents, therefore subjecting myself to god-knows-what kind of torture in Uzbekistan. Plus, they'd never believe me. Donald Rumsfeld would never be stupid enough to leave something this important just laying around where the cleaning lady could pick it up.

I decided to keep it. And curiosity got the better of me. I scanned through the files on the memory stick...

How to properly ice your scrotum
Place a bag of crushed ice in...

Nevermind. You don't want to read that. Neither did I, frankly. The note was signed by Rumsfeld's doctor.

But I found this file interesting...

Cheney notes
Use the following information about Cheney selectively to keep him off-balance:
* Drunk off his ass when he shot Whittington
* Drunk most days by Noon
* Has had 14 unannounced heart attacks since January 2000
* Talks to himself constantly, often yelling loudly, "Go fuck yourself! Go fuck yourself!"
* Wears pantyhose -- claims for medical reasons, but a staffer told me Cheney said he "just likes the way they feel."
* Hates Bush with a burning passion
* Generally, hates everyone with a burning passion
* Doesn't know where he is frequently -- constantly asking staff, "Is this the bunker?" when he's actually in his office.
* Not nearly as smart as me
* Farts... a lot
* Has funneled billions of dollars into Swiss bank accounts through Halliburton money-laundering operation -- way more than me (THIS IS A BIG ONE!)
* Can't dance for shit.

And what about this file on Condi Rice?

Rice notes
Untrustworthy bitch out to get me. Use this info selectively to knock her off stride, and, perhaps, take her out:

* Not nearly as hot as she thinks she is
* Colored
* Grinds teeth constantly -- has severe jaw and dental problems as a result
* May be certifiably insane according DoD psychiatrists who listened to her tapped, private phone calls
* Has used State Department jet to fly to Paris on shopping spree
* Bought French stuff
* Eats escargot constantly so her breath reeks
* Biggest Bush ass-kisser in the Cabinet
* Possible lesbo -- unconfirmed, but what the hell, I can always leak the rumor
* Hair is actually kinky Afro (saw her without hair gel on equatorial Africa trip), not flip thing she wears -- she IS colored (I know I already put that one on the list)
* Has her own stash of tactical nukes in a bunker in Pennsylvania somewhere -- claims they're in case we get attacked and Bush and Cheney are incapacitated
* Okay dancer, but not that great considering she's colored

And, finally, this file on Bush...

Bush notes
God, how I hate this guy. (Got that in common with Cheney.) What a fucking dumbass. Some shit on Bush:

* Idiot -- one of the dumbest people I have ever met
* Lazy -- hasn't done a full day's work - cumulatively - since taking office
* Doesn't read a goddamn thing -- ever
* Giggles like a little boy caught with his dick in his hand -- embarrassing when we're meeting with world leaders
* Sleeps through most meetings
* Once asked me, "Am I in charge of the Army and stuff?" (I told him, "No, I am." He seemed satisfied, even happy)
* Has no idea what me and Cheney are up to -- that's good
* Actually believes we all like him
* One time showed up to an emergency meeting in the Sit Room in his boxers -- said he didn't have time to get dressed
* Makes disparaging remarks about Rice behind her back -- calls her "the kitchen help"
* Hates his old man - once told me after a few drinks that the old man told him he was stupid just about every day of his life growing up - kind of sad I suppose, but I don't give a fuck, frankly
* Too stupid to know how to skim money out of no-bid contracts, so we don't tell him about it (Cheney wanted to cut him in so he'd have culpability, too, but I said, "Fuck him")
* Scared shitless of me so he will never fire me, no matter how fucked up things get in Iraq
* Did send a few deals to his sleazy brother, Neil, and to his old man and the Carlyle Group, especially on hurricane crap in Florida where the other sleazeball brother (Jeb) could cover for the the lot of them
* Drunk damn near every day
* On anti-depressants -- has been since October 2000
* Does IN FACT wear a wire and earpiece at most public appearances so shitball Rove can tell him what to say -- too stupid to actually think on his own
* Doesn't do a thing without Rove's approval
* Calls Rove "mommy" -- and he doesn't do it jokingly
* Doesn't get that I'm making fun of him most of the time, like when I buy him a bag of pretzels
* Can't dance for shit -- or ride a bike for that matter

There is a lot more on this memory stick that I may post later. If you don't hear from me for after this, just assume I've been swept up and sent to Uzbekistan.

By the way, I did finish creating the PowerPoint for Karzai. It's really good. I think he'll be getting the vicious, violent drug barons democracy-loving political powerhouses in Afghanistan to participate in the government very soon!

Fingers crossed!

*[DISCLOSURE: I am being paid a nominal product placement placement fee by Dell Computer Corporation]


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