Today's Subversive Letter-to-the-Editor Templates

Many of you have probably read comedian Don Novello's (Father Guido Sarducci) series of books, The Lazlo Letters.

The books contain Novello's written exchanges with celebrities, corporations, politicians and other public figures under the guise of his crazed, letter-writing American patriot, Lazlo Toth. (Nice interview with Bob Garfield here.)

I've always enjoyed the subversiveness of the Lazlo books and have long carried on a subversive tradition of my own: attacking wingnuttery with letters-to-the-editor that out-wingnut the wingnuts.

Sure, many of the wackiest wingnuts won't see themselves when this mirror is held up to their views, but I know that more than a few (some of whom I know quite well) cringe when they see the reality and hypocrisy of their positions exposed in such a public forum. And many party-neutral voters will wonder, "What the hell is wrong with these people?"

So today I begin a series of periodic posts providing letter-to-the-editor templates for subversive letters we can send to our local papers.

Today's subject: Bush the Decider and Don Rumsfeld

The great thing about Bush's inane comment yesterday ("I'm the decider") is that we can use his own words in letters of support that sound just as stupid as they did when they left his mouth. And we can repeat his inanity, ad nauseum.

I present three options: coherent, mildly incoherent, ranting lunacy.

Feel free to cut and paste and send to your own paper. You can explain all this to your liberal friends after the fact... And then enlist them into the project, too!

OPTION A: Wingnut who can actually string sentences together

To the editor:

I was heartened to see President Bush declare yesterday, "I am the decider" when it comes to the future of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. Those calling for Mr. Rumsfeld to resign, particularly during a time of war, are undermining our efforts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq, even if the people there would prefer to have a civil war. In addition, these critics are not the deciders. Mr. Rumsfeld and all members of the President's staff and cabinet serve at the President's discretion. George Bush is the decider. And I stand by his claim to that title.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION B: Classic ignorant wingnut

To the editor:

Donald Rumsfeld should not resign. These generals and Democrats who are on a witchhunt for him should be quiet. Our brave men and women are fighting to bring all the freedoms we enjoy to Iraqis, like freedom of expression. And we have people in our own country who undercut our democracy fighters by attacking the President and Secretary Rumsfeld. As President Bush said yesterday, he is the decider on this, not some lazy, retired general living off our tax dollars with a fat pension.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION C: Batshit insane wingnut
[NOTE: You may have to try and slip a fake name past the paper's censors/checkers with this one. To much possible backlash.]

To the editor:

The retired generals and Democrats screaming for Rumsfeld to quit should be tried for treason! We're in a war with people who want to kill every last one of us! If these criticizers love Muslims so much, let them move to Muslimia! We have brave soldiers in Iraq getting blown up almost daily just so Iraqis can have what we have -- freedom! And Iraqis want freedom so much they are blowing each other up, too, just to see who can get control of their freedom! And we won't win with traitors in our midst! President Bush is the decider on Donald Rumsfeld, not the criticizers. They remind me of Benedict Arnolds.

- Bob Johnson

Give it a whirl! Works on any subject.

More later...