Falwell blames gays, feminists, lesbians for death

This just in over the wire from ANS (Afterlife News Service):

Falwell blames 'pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians' for death

(ANS, The Afterlife) Echoing his comments made after 9-11 that the terrorist attack was caused by a litany of "evil forces," the late Jerry Falwell said today from the afterlife that "pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians, the ACLU, People for the American Way, Al Gore, Daily Kos and other immoral, liberal groups and individuals bear full responsibility for the heart attack that has claimed my earthly life."

Falwell went to add that, unlike his apology following his post-9-11 comments, he will "not be apologizing this time because there are no liberals where I'm going. So they can kiss my fat, dead ass."

Falwell said he had been sitting at his desk, thumbing through a stack of personal checks from residents of a senior center he had visited on Monday when he felt a sudden, crushing pain in his chest.

"It was like the homosexuals were actually reaching into my chest cavity and squeezing my heart," Falwell recounted. "I started praying, 'Lord, smite the homosexuals,' but they wouldn't let go. Bastards have a helluva' grip. Must be from all that cock grabbing they do."

Falwell noted that he was dead before Liberty University Executive Vice President Ron Godwin found him slumped over the stack of checks.

"Ronnie walked in and I was already gone. I give him credit, though. Before he even called 911, he removed the stack of checks and gave them to Eleanor and told her to make sure they get deposited, pronto. He also went through my desk drawers and removed the two copies of 'Big Jugs Magazine' he knew I had hidden in the back of one of them. But the son-of-a-bitch snatched the gold pen that Reagan had given me," Falwell complained.

Falwell said he would "wait and see" before offering any comment on his new surroundings. "I've often wondered if this is going to be a case of 'overpromise/underdeliver' or if things will be as good as I have told so many they would be. I'm not sold yet."

A spokesangel for God said The Almighty was taking a "long, hard look" at Falwell's life before deciding on a final afterlife home. "The Lord will only say at this point that no one is a sure bet. That goes for Jerry and for anyone else who leaves an earthly life."

When asked to respond to Falwell's assertion that "there are no liberals in heaven," the spokesangel laughed and said, "Franklin Roosevelt may have something to say about that."

Falwell closed his press conference with a diatribe against "Muslims and other infidel colored people on Earth who don't believe what I believe which is the one, true belief."

Just then, another recently dead man dressed in long, gold robes and a turban passed by on a throne carried by four angels.

Falwell was stunned.

"But I bet he's not a homo," the late Reverend said, before storming from the room.

Angry Iraqis trying to scrape up funds to 'follow Americans home'

John McCain, George Bush and nearly all of the other war apologists have been saying for the last three years -- and even more loudly of late -- that a "premature" exit of U.S. forces from Iraq will result in Islamic terrorists "following us home" to attack us on U.S. soil.

While many experts disagree with this premise, a story coming over the wire today may signal that, in fact, George W. Bush and John McCain may be right...

Iraqi insurgents seeking to 'follow the Americans home'; bemoan transportation costs

By Ted Snotwinkle, UIP REPORTER

(UIP, BAGHDAD) Tariq Assad Hussein was holding what can only be described as the Baghdad equivalent of a garage sale.

Scattered along the street in front of his modest, bullet-riddled home were nearly all of his worldy possessions, each item marked with a small price sticker. His neighbors were combing through the items, bartering for lower prices on everything from a framed photo of his family to a stained steel cooking pot to a mangled bicycle wheel.

"That wheel may still be useful," Mr. Hussein, 47, said through an interpreter. "The rest of the bike was destroyed in a car bomb explosion. I still have a piece of the kickstand imbedded in the back of my head. If I could pry it out without further injuring myself, I'd sell that, too."

Mr. Hussein is trying to raise the approximately $3,000 (USD) he believes it will cost him to get to the United States "to attack Americans."

Mr. Hussein's entire family has been killed in various explosions and gunfights over the past year, including his wife, three children, two brothers, and his mother and father.

So far, he has collected the equivalent of $62 from all of his endeavors.

"I am not giving up," Mr. Hussein said while attaching a promotional magnetic menu from a local falafel shop to the small piece of steel jutting from the back of his skull. "The guy that runs this shop gives me six dinars a week to hand out magnetic menus off my head. It's a curiosity. People love it."

Mr. Hussein is not alone in his professed desire to "follow the Americans home." But not everyone in Baghdad who wants to get to the United States intends violence. Some just want to get away from the violence they experience everyday.

Amira Aziz, 53, wants to get to the United States because she heard she could hang her laundry on the line without fear of being "exploded into little pieces."

"My family does not get clean clothes very much anymore," Mrs. Aziz said. "First, we don't get much water, and, second, it's too dangerous for me to be outside. I would love to be in a place like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' where they have everything nice."

(Reruns of American television shows are commonplace on Iraqi television.)

By the end of the day, Mr. Hussein had raised an additional three dollars from his sale. But he sounded optimistic of eventually finding his way to "the great Satan."

"I will get to America. You will see," he said with a smile. "Would you like a menu from Fariq's House of Falafel?"

A tribute to comedian Richard Jeni

It appears that Rich took his own life this past weekend. I, like many others who had occasion to see him in person or on television, to meet him, to spend some time talking with him, am deeply saddened by this news.

Rich was a superb comic... and a superb human being. He was admired by other comics not only for the brilliance of his material and his prolific writing of new material, but for his generosity of spirit. He was a good guy. He had a good soul.

Back in the day when I was kicking around and doing a little stand-up, going to see Rich was a pilgrimage of sorts for up-and-coming comics. He was the best. A master. In total control with brilliant stuff, incredible timing and body language, totally at ease on the stage.

And after the show, he'd hang out and talk with us like we were his peers (and none of us were). He was funny, self-deprecating, encouraging.

I'll miss him, as will many, many others. He was never as big as many thought he deserved to be, but I think he was one of the two greatest comics I have seen in my lifetime, the other being Richard Pryor.

Goodbye, Rich. On a nice note, your death has made me go back and look at some of your brilliant work, the kind of stuff that made me laugh so hard, my sides were sore for days after seeing you.

Here's one of my many favorite bits:

Rich Jeni describing staying up after a show to watch the insanely bad film, "Jaws IV: The Revenge."

Bush to appoint bipartisan commission to look at appointing of bipartisan commissions

President Bush's announcement today that he will appoint a bipartisan commission to look into the failures at Walter Reed Medical Center was quickly followed by a second announcement detailing his plan to appoint a bipartisan commission to look into the appointing of bipartisan commissions.

Bush to appoint commission to study why so many commissions have been appointed

WASHINGTON (Rooters) - President George W. Bush announced today that he would be appointing "a bipartisan commission of respected officials" to study "just why the heck I've needed to appoint so many bipartisan commissions" during his tenure as President.

Bush, in his weekly radio address, said that between the 9-11 Commission, the Iraq Study Group and a new bipartisan commission that will look into failures at Walter Reed Medical Center, he "senses a pattern in my administration of having to appoint bipartisan commissions to look into things we may have screwed up."

The President's blunt assessment of the various commissions' roles in investigating administration failures comes as a new poll puts his job approval rating at its lowest point ever, 29%.

One administration source who asked not to be identified suggested that a more contrite Bush is "part of a larger strategy to make Americans feel empathy for someone who is just not that bright but is doing the best he can."

"We're calling this our 'Special Olympics strategy,'" the source said.

Bush noted in his radio address, "This new bipartisan commission will be charged with studying previous bipartisan commissions with the purpose of identifying patterns of behavior that led to the appointment of past bipartisan commissions."

Administration spokesman Tony Snowjob said that the final recommendations of the bipartisan commission studying the appointments of previous bipartisan commissions will be ignored, as have the recommendations of every previous bipartisan commission.

Brooks predicts `08 Dem win; contemplates suicide

So I guess the only question is, who should replace him at The Times?

Actually, he leaves himself an out, suggesting that he could live with Bill Richardson as the Dem nominee for president.

But one had to love his opening line:

So there I was, sitting in my office, quietly contemplating suicide. I was watching a cattle call of Democratic presidential candidates on C-Span.

Essentially, Brooks is looking forward to the inevitability of a Democratic president and deciding that he couldn't live in an America that would elect a Hillary or an Obama.

Should it come to pass, David, I'll dutifully take up the task of penning your obit.

I have no `08 preference at this point (though I would be inclined to support a candidate who says, unequivocally, "Out of Iraq, period"). But if supporting Obama, Edwards or, god forbid, even Hillary means creating an opening on The New York Times op-ed page, I'll back any of those candidates.

Sure, it's a trivial reason to support a presidential candidate, but with our Democratic Congress pussyfooting around on Iraq as more die and billions more dollars are flushed down the toilet, I'm looking for any little, emotionally-satisfying victory I can find.

Because what is really going on is just too damn depressing.

Punxsutawney Phil: "Fu** it. You don't need me anymore."

This just came over the wire from Punxutawney:

(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - Rooters) Local groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his tree stump this morning and told the assembled crowd of media and curious onlookers that his 121-year-old tradition of predicting the end of winter is "dead as a f***ing doornail."

The pugnacious marmot explained that with the onset of serious global warming, "I will never predict six more weeks of winter again. Early Spring. Every f***ing year. It's over, okay? So just leave me the f*** alone."

Phil's handler, Ed Fenster, said that for the last few weeks, Phil had been complaining about radical climate change.

"Phil told me last week that he's disgusted with the way humans have mucked up the planet," Fenster said. "Only he used a word that rhymes with 'muck.' He pointed out that the he 'eats, sleeps, sh**s and occasionally farts' and that's his total impact on the environment. But the rest of us are ruining the place for creatures like him."

The first thing Phil said as he was pulled from the relative comfort of his burrow was, "Breaking: Winter to end. Along with the planet."

Before returning to his abode, Phil added, "And, no, I don't give a sh** about the Superbowl. More crap."

According to Fenster and other members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, the future of the event is in doubt.

TRANSCRIPT: First Democratic presidential candidate debate of `08

Through the miracle of my brand-spanking-new Time Traveler 2010®, I have been able to obtain a transcript of the first Democratic presidential debate held May 4, 2007 at the Des Moines Marriott.

The moderator for the event was George Stephanopoulos.

The crowded panel of Dem hopefuls on the stage included Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Wesley Clark, John Edwards, John Kerry, Joe Biden, Tom Vilsack, Evan Bayh, Bill Richardson, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton. (Chris Dodd dropped out at the last minute because he didn't have enough money in his campaign coffers to cover airfare to Des Moines.)

STEPHANOPOULOS: Welcome to the first Democratic presidential debate. Tonight, I will attempt to manage a rational discussion and debate between the dozen candidates on stage. I will not introduce them all because there are just too damn many and we don't have that much time.

Let me start with Senator Hillary Clinton. Senator Clin--

SHARPTON: That, right there, is racist, George.

STEPH: What?

OBAMA: Well, I'm not sure I'd call it racist, Al, but it's the kind of action that may lead one to question the impartiality -- the "color blindness," if you will -- of our moderator.

STEPH: C'mon you guys, I just--

CLINTON: No, go ahead. Start with one of my African-American brethren. My husband is often called the first black President.

OBAMA: Uniting white and black, old and young, blue and red--

CLINTON: Gag me.

STEPH: Okay. So let's start with--

BIDEN: Look, I really like you, George. I like all of my fellow candidates. I like our audience. I like--

CLARK: I'm feeling nauseous.

EDWARDS: I think what we're seeing up here right now is two Americas, one for the--

KERRY: John, stop! I am the only person on this stage who has--

STEPH: OKAY, EVERYBODY! JUST SHUT UP!

VILSACK: But I didn't get to talk yet!

BAYH: I'm from a red state! I'm from a red state!

KUCINICH: Ya' know, this is a great way to meet chicks.

GRAVEL: I don't want to meet chicks. I want to have a debate. That's the problem in this country today. We're not having real--

RICHARDSON: Buenas tardes, Des Moines!

STEPH: I SAID SHUT UP! EVERYONE! PLEASE!

OBAMA: This isn't just a blue stage. It's a red stage. It's rich. It's poor. It's one Amer--

SHARPTON: Barack Saddam Hussein Osama, quit the filibusterin'.

BAYH: I second that.

SHARPTON: Clam it, whitest-of-the-white-boys.

STEPH: What about Iraq? We'll go left to right.

EDWARDS: I regret my vote for the--

CLINTON: Not me. We can't stay and we can't leave. So we must--

KERRY: Excellent question, George. When I was on the Mekong River in Vietnam--

BIDEN: Cut the crap, Kerry. Look, I like you. I like you a lot. But we have to--

CLARK: Joe, I am known for being blunt. And you are unctuous. I don't know any other way to describe you.

BAYH: I second that! What does "unctuous" mean?

SHARPTON: It means if you stood outside in a snowstorm, no one would see you. That's how white you are.

VILSACK: I'm whiter! I'm from Iowa!

STEPH: Iraq, Iraq, Iraq!

KUCINICH: Out. Now.

GRAVEL: I second that.

SHARPTON: You're so white-- Oh, wait. You're not Bayh. What's your name again?

GRAVEL: Gravel.

SHARPTON: Like a rock?

STEPH: Yes, Iraq! Finally, back on topic!

[AL GORE appears ON STAGE from the WINGS]

STEPH: Al Gore!

[GORE grabs microphone from BAYH's podium]

GORE: George, I am here to announce...

CLINTON: Asshole.

GORE: Yes, Hillary, this has to do with a hole. But not an asshole.

BIDEN: Look, Al, I like you. A lot. Maybe a little too much. But you've--

CLARK: Oleaginous. That's the word I was looking for.

GORE: I'm here to announce... that a hole has opened in the ozone layer over Des Moines as a result of the hot air expelled during this debate.

SHARPTON: Can you say melanoma, white folks? Don't go outside, Bayh.

STEPH: We're just about out of time. Vice President Gore, are you a candidate?

OBAMA: Tall and short, thin and fat, those who are good at math and those who prefer--

GORE: I have not completely ruled it out, but I have no plans to--

EDWARDS: I'm sick of playing the nice guy. In or out, tubby?

STEPH: We're out of time. Thank you all for being here, thank you for--

[TV FEED ENDS]

My Source in the White House: Rove & Co. Reveal October Surprise

As many of you know, I have a highly-placed source deep inside the Bush White House who has managed to slip me secret documentation of everything from transcripts of internal White House discussions on policy planning to revelations about George Bush's troubled past.

Today, I received the following transcript of an internal White House discussion that occurred earlier this week about a possible "October Surprise" that would turn the coming mid-terms in the Republican's favor. Please keep in mind that my source gets me these documents at great risk to himself/herself, so please don't ask me to reveal anything more than I already have about this source. Thank you.

[In attendance: ROVE, BUSH, CHENEY, RICE, RUMSFELD, MEHLMAN]

ROVE: Okay, I know some of you are worried about what might happen in November, and I--

BUSH: What? Why? What might happen? Are you guys not telling me something again?

CHENEY: Shut up.

BUSH: But I--

ROVE: SHUT UP!

BUSH: Condi, what are they--

RICE: George, please... Just let Karl talk, okay?

BUSH: Okay...

ROVE: I just want to tell everyone not to worry. Ken and I have got it covered.

MEHLMAN: Yeah, we're on it.

RUMSFELD: Well, I certainly hope so. You dumb assholes have put us in a pretty bad spot.

ROVE: I'm going to ignore that.

RUMSFELD: Ignore it all you want. You're supposed to be the "brain trust."

RICE: Don, how's Iraq going?

[LONG SILENCE]

ROVE: We've had to ratchet up the "October Surprise" to something more powerful due to the Foley thing.

MEHLMAN: And before you ask, Dick, no, I did not  have sex with him. I'm not gay.

RICE: Ewww, gross.

CHENEY: He must be the only gay Republican you missed, Ken.

[Laughter from RUMSFELD and CHENEY]

BUSH: Denny Hastert is a good man. He's a coach, a father, a--

ROVE: Would you shut the fuck up?

RICE: George, I've already told you once. You need to let Karl talk, okay?

BUSH: I want a cheeseburger.

RICE: I'll get you a cheeseburger.

BUSH: American cheese.

RICE: Yes, George, I know.

CHENEY: Would you two shut the fuck up?

ROVE: So here's the plan: Gay Islamo-fascist terrorists with nukes.

MEHLMAN: Only we break up the plot at the last minute!

ROVE: Through the NSA spyng program.

MEHLMAN: And here's the best part...

ROVE: It ends up that Foley was undercover.

MEHLMAN: You guys are gonna' love this...

ROVE: He had infiltrated this group of gay Islamo-fascist terrorists--

MEHLMAN: With nukes!

ROVE: Yes, with nukes, and the whole "page scandal" was part of the plan to convince the terrorists that he really was this kinky gay guy.

[LONG SILENCE]

CHENEY: I like it.

RUMSFELD: Make sure the terrorists are really dark-skinned.

RICE: That is insulting, Don.

RUMSFELD: Not colored, Condi, just dark.

BUSH: Condi isn't colored!

CHENEY: Moron.

BUSH: Colored people have kinky hair! Look at Condi! Her hair is beautiful!

RICE: George, I'm a negro.

MEHLMAN: And while we're all confessing, I'm gay! There! I feel better now! I'm out!

BUSH: Slow down! Slow down! Condi is a gay negro?

CHENEY: What do I need to do on this thing, Karl?

ROVE: I've got the roll-out all planned. You'll each be getting your instructions this afternoon.

RUMSFELD: Somebody better make sure President Numbnutz does what he's supposed to do.

MEHLMAN: I'm gay!

ROVE: Karen Hughes is babysitting him, Don.  Don't worry about that.

MEHLMAN: I AM GAY, AMERICA!

CHENEY: Is this over? I'm supposed to be at event in an hour where I'll predict that America could be just minutes away from a terrorist nuclear assault.

RUMSFELD: And I'm out at Fort Hood claiming that there are now 500,000 Iraqis ready to stand up.

ROVE: Go. I'll be in touch.

BUSH: You're really a negro?

RICE: Yes.  Now, here's your cheeseburger, George.

MEHLMAN: I'm gay and you're colored!  And we're out and proud!

ROVE: Ken, calm down. You have work to do.

BUSH: Have you always been colored?

RICE: Yes, George, always.

BUSH: Gee...

Foley-Hastert IMs revealed!

My source inside the White House sent me verbatim transcripts that the NSA surveillance program picked up of IMs between (now former) Congressman Mark Foley and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert.

According to my source, these conversations took place over the course of the past year while the NSA program was in place and before information on the program was leaked to the press.

[NOTE: These are vulgar and could make you ill.]

The first documented IM exchange between Foley and Hastert occurred on March 13, 2006:

Maf54: what are you wearing?

Coach64: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maf54: what's that?

Coach64: My hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh key is sticking.

Maf54: maybe you need some lubricant :)

Coach64: Whhhhhhhhhhhhat do you put on a keyboard?  WD40?

Maf54: what are you wearing? wrestling tights?

Coach64: No. I have this girdle thhhhhing.  It hhhhhelps my back.

Maf54: i'd like to slip that girdle off you

Coach64: I don't thhhhhhhhink so.

Maf54: why not?

Coach64: You'd get hhhhhit by my dunlap.

Maf54: dunlap?

Coach64: My belly that dun lap over my belt.

Maf54: oh heh heh

Coach64: I've never done thhhhhhhhhhis instant messaging thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhing.

Maf54: its cool

Coach64: Not doing muchhhhhhhh for me.

Maf54: how big is your thing?  when its stiff?

Coach64: Shhit, thhhhhat's whhhhhy I wear thhhe back brace.

Maf54: wow! it must be huge!

Coach64: It's hhhhuge and getting hhhhhhhuger. It gets so stiff, I can hhhhhardly stand up.

Maf54: ooooo  i like that!

Maf54: a lot

Coach64: Yeahh, I look like Quasimodo. It's thhhis thhhing on my upper back and it makes me look like a hhhhhhunchback.  The doctor says it's just a cyst.  But it gets real stiff and firm even thhhhoughhhhhhh it's some sort of fatty tissue.

Maf54: ugh i'm gonna be sick

Coach64: We hhhhhave the NSA surveillance vote tomorrow, so if you're going to be out sick, let me know so I can hhhave someone vote for you.  We need every vote on thhat one.

Maf54: not literally sick

Maf54: sick because of the cyst fatty tissue thing

Coach64: Mrs. HHHHHHHHHHHHastert has to drain it once a week.

Maf54: now i am sick

Maf54: gotta run

Coach64: Okay.  Bye.

Foley and Hastert try IMing again on May 3, 2006:

Maf54: i'm in my boxers

Coach64: Huh?

Maf54: my boxers. i see you got your h key fixed

Coach64: Are you part of Don King's group?

Maf54: huh?

Coach64: Your boxers.  What weight classes?

Maf54: i'm sitting in my boxers

Coach64: I can't picture it.  Do you mean, "Sitting AMONG my boxers?"

Maf54: whatever. are you hard? i am

Coach64: Yes.

Maf54: cool.  real hard?

Coach64: Well when I was still coaching wrestling, they said I was REALLY hard.

Maf54: i'm touching it

Coach64: Some of the kids said I was sadistic.

Maf54: slap me!

Coach64: Wrestling coaches are a hard lot.

Maf54: i like wrestling and wrestling tights

Coach64: Amazing.

Maf54: agree wrestling tights are amazing

Coach64: Here's amazing for you.  I have had the same pair of glasses since 1979.  Aviator wire-rims. That's amazing.

Maf54: you're killin my buzz

Maf54: really

Coach64: Hey, someone told me today that you were sending dirty messages to some of the boy pages.

Maf54: dirty? like what?

Coach64: Stuff about their penises and such.

Maf54: would i do that?

Coach64: No.  Sorry I brought it up.

Maf54: it's cool

Maf54: how big is yours?

Coach64: About 6'2".

Maf54: get out!

Coach64: Seriously.  My page is about 6'2".  And he's only an 11th grader.

Maf54: oh

Coach64: Got to run,  Mrs. Hastert has to drain my cyst.

Maf54: blech

Coach64: Hey, send that hundred grand to the RNCC or we'll out you.

Maf54: asshole

Coach64: Want to keep your committee assignments?

Maf54: the check will be there tomorrow

Coach64: Good night!

I may publish more of their hot exchanges later...

My Source in the White House: Rove's Phone cCall to Ailes; re: MARK FOLEY (D-FL)

FOX's continued use of the (D-FL) tag under pictures and video of Mark Foley lets you know exactly how panicked Rove is about losing the base. After all, who watches FOX News except for the hardcore Bush-o-philes?

My source in the White House slipped a transcript of a phone call Rove made to Roger Ailes, head of FOX News, last Friday just as the scandal was starting to pick up steam.

What follows is a verbatim transcript of the Rove-Ailes conversation:

ROVE: Roger, you gotta' help me out here.

AILES: Anything, Karl, you know that.

ROVE: Okay, I--

AILES: Well, I mean anything in the sense that I can use the network to help you.

ROVE: Look, Rog, I've forgotten all about that night. It was a one time thing. For both of us.

AILES: Yeah...

ROVE: Anyway, this Foley thing could really kill us with the fundies. I mean, they are quickly figuring out that we covered for a queer pervert who molested boys just to extort money to funnel into other congressional races.

AILES: Brilliant plan, Karl, like so much of your work. And just to make clear: I'm not gay.

ROVE: Me neither. Anyway, you know how fucking stupid these fundies are...

AILES: Abso-fucking-lutely! They thought Terri Schiavo was coming back to life!

[LOUD LAUGHTER FROM ROVE AND AILES]

ROVE: Well, here's what I'm thinking...

AILES: Go ahead. I'm all ears. Just don't grab `em and pull my head down to your crotch!

ROVE: [LAUGHING] Did I hurt you last time?

AILES: Shut up. I think I bugged my own phone last week, but I was too drunk to remember if I really did it. Go on...

ROVE: Okay, here's the plan. Keep running photos and video of Foley but instead of putting the tag "R dash FL" for "Republican-Florida" under his picture, put "D dash FL" for "Democrat-Florida."

AILES: I... I don't...

ROVE: The fundies will think Foley is a Democrat!

AILES: Holy fucking shit! That's genius!

ROVE: Of course!

AILES Those dumbfucks will really believe Foley is a Democrat!

ROVE: It's on FOX News!

AILES: So it must be true!

ROVE: Exactly.

AILES: And that will make them turn out more, not less.

ROVE: Nevermind the work they do in get-out-the-vote.

AILES: Damn. You're good.

ROVE: Next time you see me, you can kiss my pinky ring.

AILES: You put a ring on it now?

ROVE: My baby finger, Rog, not my Karl Column.

AILES: I love that you've named your thing.

ROVE: Luntz ran a focus group and came up with it.

AILES: Among the male pages?

ROVE: Wait, did you or did you not bug your phone?

[AILES AND ROVE LAUGH]

AILES: Fuck if I know. I was trashed.

ROVE: So, FOLEY dash D dash FL.

AILES: Got it. Consider it done. And kick your boss in the nuts for me and tell him he's the dumbest fuck on the planet.

ROVE: I do that everyday.

[ROVE AND AILES LAUGH, THEN HANG UP]

Bush on Torture: The Early Years

Since President George W. Bush, our Esteemed and Most Righteous Leader®, now gets to decide what constitutes "cruel and inhumane" treatment of prisoners, I decided to look back at his own history to see what clues we may gather as to his judgment in these matters.

What I found was surprising, yet not shocking.  Diaries kept by the President's nanny, along with accompanying notes from his mother, Barbara Bush, lay out clear lines on what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment of other living creatures, according to our All-Wise and All-Knowing Most Righteous Leader®.

[NOTE: Below are summaries of diary notes kept by George W. Bush's nanny, Paulina Gonzalez, along with accompanying hand-written notes of his mother, Barbara Bush.  No relevant facts or quotes have been altered in any way from the original text.]

• July 13, 1950 - Four-year-old George W. Bush nabs a house fly that is sitting on the edge of his cup of chocolate milk and proceeds to pull the fly's wings off.  George's mother, Barbara, chuckles and says, "What a chip off the old block! I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass!"




• July 14, 1950 - Four-year-old George W. Bush squats in his Midland, Texas yard, burning ants with a magnifying glass.  His mother says, "Can you hear them sizzle, Georgie?"




• September 11, 1952 - Six-year-old George W. Bush set up his Alamo Real Action Battle Set®, and, after losing the Alamo to the Mexican army, declares that it is time to invade Canada.  George W.'s father, George H.W. Bush, says, "I think that's a bad idea, son.  Focus on the task at hand."  George W. calls his father "a weenie" and prepares his soldiers to invade Canada.




• February 15, 1953 - George W. Bush's new brother, Jeb, comes home from the hospital with his parents.  As soon as his parents retreat to the library for their evening cocktail, George jams his index finger into his infant brother's eye.  Jeb's screaming brings Barbara Bush into the nursery as George stands innocently by.  Barbara flips Jeb over on his stomach and slaps him hard on buttocks three times, shouting, "No crying during cocktail hour, goddamn it!" George W. smiles.




• May 13, 1956 - Nine-year-old George W. Bush lures a squirrel close by offering handfuls of peanuts.  When the squirrel nears, George snatches the squirrel by the tail and begins spinning it around rapidly, in close proximity to the trunk of a large walnut tree.  Just then, Barbara Bush runs out to the yard, shouting, "George!  Don't bash that squirrel's head on the tree!  Not when you're wearing one of your good, white shirts!"  George is forced to release the dazed squirrel and retreat to his bedroom where he changes into a navy blue pocket-t-shirt before resuming his squirrel-whipping.




• November 12, 1958 - The Bush family dog, Chester, squirms uncomfortably in the backyard as George W. Bush yells at his brother Jeb to "hold the goddamn dog down, Jebbie!" as 12-year-old George pushes a broomstick into the dog's rectum. Barbara Bush comes outside to investigate the howling and says with a chuckle, "Your grandfather use to do things like that to the kitchen help!"

I'm digging up more, but I thought this was enough for a first post.  I'll continue researching the subject so that we can all get a better handle on what our Magnanimous and Most Excellent and Most Righteous Leader® thinks is appropriate treatment of prisoners under the law passed by the Senate today.

Stay tuned...

Bush, Cheney share "Salesman of the Year" honors for third consecutive year at al Qaeda convention

This just in off the PR wire:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Bush, Cheney take home top honors at annual al Qaeeda convention

(PR NewsLiar - Waziristan, Pakistan - September 27, 2006) For the third consecutive year, U.S.A. Preident George Bush and U.S.A. Vice President Dick Cheney have taken home "Salesman of the Year" honors at the annual al Qaeda convention.

"It's unprecedented in the history of the organization," noted His High Holiness and Master Osama bin Laden. "We've had Sheiks and Imams nab the coveted award two years in a row based on sales and recruitment tactics in local mosques, but the race the past three years hasn't even been close. Bush and Cheney buried everyone in the race to bring more recruits willing to blow themselves sky high into the organization."

His Most Holy Reverence cited quotes from Bush's own "National Intelligence Estimate" that highlight the American leaders' recruitmeent prowess, including the following passage:

"The Iraq conflict has become the 'cause celebre' for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of US involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement."

"All praise to Allah for bringing us George Bush and Dick Cheney," His Righteous and Holy One said while the assembled conventioneers repeated his mantra.

The convention, held at Sayed's Wedding, Convention and Jihad Hall in the recently declared safe-haven of Waziristan, Pakistan, was attended by more 300 al Qaeda members from as far away as Indonesia.

His Most Righteous Destroyer of Unbelievers awarded the "Sales Sword of Sacrifice" to Bush and Cheney in abstentia, noting that the two also receive a 10-day, 11-night stay (including first-class airfare) at the luxurious, al Qaeda Convention and Training Facility, now being completed in an undisclosed corner of Waziristan, a deluxe set of robes and headdresses from the "Only Allah" collection, and a factory-refurbished, shoulder-launch SAM missile weapon.

"Once again this year," His Ultimate Defender of the Faith noted, "we had to up our budget to cover the cost of offering two grand prize awards, but the job these fellows did is indeed outstanding, and, thus, the awards committee eagerly awarded two first place prize packages."

Other convention attendees noted that they were unable to compete with the success of Bush and Cheney.

"This year, I signed up a three or four young guys who may or may not be interested in blowing themselves up in the near future," laughed Imam Ali Hamid Mushara, "but to do what these guys do? Year after year after year? I feel like the Chicago Cubs playing the Yankees!"

The convention also included a slide show depicting the progress on the new training and convention facility that elicited "Oohs" and "Ahhs" from the crowd of assembled jihadis.

"Those new prayer rugs are hot!" shouted one jihadi from the back of the hall. A second one likened the East-facing view depicted in one slide as "absolutely tip-top!"

The new facility is expected to be completed in time for next year's convention, slated for September 25 - October 1.

His Most Righteous Most Holy Most Tallest closed the convention with a prayer asking Allah to "ensure that Bush and Cheney also start another war in Iran before the moon rises another 365 times."

One al Qaeda recruiter lamented, "If they do that, we may as well give them next year's award right now."

All praise the Most Exulted and Righteous Leader. All praise Allah.
-30-

U.S. to Turn Over Control of Baghdad to Iraqis Once All Iraqis Removed from Baghdad

News item from Sunday's New York Times:

The United States military announced that it had formally handed over the infamous Abu Ghraib prison to the Iraqi government on Friday. The prison is empty because the Americans and Iraqis transferred detainees to other centers before the handover.

Handing over control of empty buildings is a shining example of the success of the administration's "when-they-stand-up, we'll-stand-down" strategy as witnessed in this report from Reuters:

"Yesterday, Abu Ghraib prison was handed over by U.S. forces," (government spokesman Ali) al-Dabbagh told a news conference. "It is now empty of any detainee or prisoner."

"Now the prison is protected by Iraqi forces and the Iraqi government will look into how to benefit from it in the national interest," he added.

And now the administration plans to take this model of success and apply it to all of Baghdad, and, possibly, the rest of Iraq.

According to this report from Rooters:

The U.S. commander in Iraq, General Peter Pace, called the Abu Ghraib handoff, "an unqualified success."

"The Iraqis are now maintaining security at this empty prison facility on their own," Pace said.  "We think this has implications for the security situation in Baghdad and throughout Iraq."

Pace then described a process in which all Iraqis in Baghdad would be evacuated to other localities, "at which time we could then hand over security for the city to Iraqi police and military forces."

"This is a win-win for both Iraqi and U.S. forces," Pace continued, "and in line with our strategy to stand down as Iraqi forces stand up."

When a reporter pointed out that Iraqi military and police units who remain behind in Baghdad would be composed of Iraqis, Pace quipped, "You hand off control to the security forces you have, not the security forces you wish you had."

Pace said the program would then be rolled out across the country, first removing all Iraqis from an area before turning over control to Iraqi security forces.

When asked where all the Iraqi citizens who were being evacuated from area after area would go, Pace looked to Pentagon spokesman Larry Odenkurk who turned his up his palms and shrugged his shoulders in a "How-would-I-know?" gesture.

"Look, if we can get rid of all the Iraqis, our security situation within Iraq will improve greatly," Pace said.

He then abruptly ended the press conference and left the room.

Back in Washington, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defended the new Iraqi relocation policy by citing the administration's success in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina.

"I mean, how many people will die there now if New Orleans is hit by another major hurricane? The place is practically a ghost town," Rumsfeld said. "We scattered most of the coloreds all over the country.  So this is a proven strategy that works."

Time to take down the Iraqi regime

Every now and then, I venture over to Armando's experiment in attempted reasonable, cross-political discussion, Swords Crossed, to see what the loony Bush/Iraq War defenders are saying.

I think, "Maybe Armando is onto something and we can have a reasonable debate with these clowns folks."

Then I read what the few brave (hey, at least they show up) Bush/Iraq War-backing souls have to say and I think, "Armando, quit wasting your time.  They're idiots."

And they are.

The most recent front page post by Armando's current sparring partner (as if Armando was Ali in his prime and his sparring partner was some poor sap who routinely found himself swallowing the last of his few remaining molars) touts the great advances we've made in Iraq in terms of elecricity production and sewer operations.

I kid you not.

I'd cite the post here, but why bother? One of the poster's GOP bretheren even suggests in the comment section, "Democracy is on the march!"

Meanwhile, the Iraqi Prime Minister is busy accusing  U.S. forces of "daily attacks" against Iraqi civilians.

And just last week, the Iraqi Foreign Minister backed Iran's nuclear research program.

Upon the news of the Foreign Minister backing Iran's right to do "nuclear research," the same nut who shouted "Democarcy is on the march" in the most recent Swords Crossed front-pager suggested that we may need to turn out this new government if it becomes an ally of Iran.

I get it.  We just keep overthrowing Iraqi governments -- even democratically-elected governments (because, after all, democracy is on the march) -- until we get one to our liking.

Brilliant.

At least Halliburton can then continue getting multi-billion dollar, no-bid contracts to rebuild the infrastructure we have to blow up to help democracy flourish.

This is kind of The Mouse that Roared in reverse.  For those of you not familiar with this Peter Sellers classic (rent it this weekend if you've never seen it), here's a snippet of the plot summary, courtesy of imdb.com:

The Duchy of Grand Fenwick decides that the only way to get out of their economic woes is to declare war on the United States, lose and accept foreign aid.

Only in this case, the United States declares (endless) war on Iraq in order for Halliburton to reap billions upon billions in American tax dollars.

The parallels are eerie and striking.

My guess is that we may have to pull out of Iraq quickly, then immediately start a new "shcok-and-awe" bombing campaign, followed by a new "blitzkrieg-to-Baghdad."

Where we go from there is anyone's guess, but at least the Commander-in-Chief could have another aircraft carrier moment.

Hell, if we can pick up the pace of the "democratically-elected governments" in Iraq, Flightsuit George may be able to squeeze in a couple more "Mission Accomplished" photo ops before he leaves in January `09.

Look, if we keep overthrowing Iraqi regimes, we're bound to get it right eventually, aren't we?  I mean, the odds are in our favor.

Democracy is on the march.  Someone in Baghdad was just able to flush his toilet for the first time in three years.

Progress.  I love it.

Incompetence is simply a byproduct of something far more sinister

I don't think the Bush administration is incompetent, in the pure sense of the word, as so many pundits have claimed.  Everytime I read that charge, it doesn't sit right in my mind.

No, that's not the whole of it, I think.  Their particular brand of incompetence is an outgrowth of something else -- something far more sinister.  If those who populate this administration, along with their co-conspirators in Congress, were simply happy-go-lucky fools, the incompetence tag would hang on them like a too-big suit.  They'd wear incompetence like a pair of oversized clown shoes.

Osama's escape, the Iraq Debacle, Katrina, Medicare D... The list of incompetent actions and policies stretches on for miles, as far as the eye can see on a flat, blazing hot desert road.

But "incompetence" lets them off too easily.

Incompetence is an outgrowth -- or an end product -- of indifference.  Cold, callous, cold-hearted, criminal indifference:

* Indifference towards the troops they put in harm's way.  


* Indifference toward the elderly who must cope with the trainwreck that is Medicare D.


* Indifference toward the hundreds of thousands of Gulf states residents who lost everything in Katrina.


* Indifference toward future generations by giving away national forests and refusing to abide by environmental agreements.  

Indifference after indifference after indifference.

Incompetence?  Sure.  But only because, fundamentally, they do not give a flying fuck about America or its citizens.  (Nevermind how little they think of the citizens of the rest of the world.) They care only of themselves -- and money. Simple, really.

It is no accident that indifference is a synonym for selfishness.  And that selfishness can be synonymous with greed.

When Grover Norquist uttered his famous proclamation that his dream was to "drown the federal government in the bathtub," he was only giving the half of it.  

The likes of Rove and Cheney and Rumsfeld quickly figured out that the best way to accomplish Norquist's dream -- a dream they avidly shared -- was to not only govern indifferently (thus, underlining their assertion that government is an inefficent and ineffectual way of operating everything from wars to disaster relief), but that they also could enrich themselves and their corporate sponsors in the process, effectively looting the government as they "drown it in the tub."

"Two birds with one stone" and all that.

The deficit is no accident.  It is the ultimate manifestation of Norquist's dream.  Cheney and company (through their idiotic puppet and perfect foil, George Bush) paint the government as incompetent while bankrupting the federal treasury and lining the pockets of everyone from Halliburton to the religious right.

The Bush years have been nothing more than a criminal enterprise.  Organized crime.  Thievery on a scale never before witnessed in the history of humankind.  Billions upon billions of taxpayer dollars looted from the national treasury and delivered to the pockets of the well-connected.  (Tax relief?  For whom?)

The NSA spying program was never about ferreting out terrorist plots. We knew that. It was simply another tool to be used to stop any person or entity which sought to uncover their criminal cabal. And the Patriot Act is more of the same. This crew will stop at nothing to protect their criminal enterprise.

So I wish the Paul Krugmans of the world would stop letting Cheney et. al. off so easy with the "incompetent" tag.

Like Liberace, they are laughing all the way to the bank.

NSA Program Thwarts Thousands of Terrorist Attacks, Large and (Mostly) Small

My source in the White House left a detailed report on the NSA phone datamining program buried in a trash bin outside my office.

The report was generated by General Michael Hayden at the request of Vice President Dick Cheney to bolster the case that the program had yielded critical results that, in the words of the Vice President's formal request, "have saved Americans from an enormous number of terrorist acts, large and small."

The report details numerous instances of where the NSA's tapping of phone calls of Americans has saved countless citizens from terrorist assaults.

The report is nearly one thousand pages long, with most entries providing detailed accounts of likely terrorist strikes which were either thwarted in advance of these planned actions or stopped at the point of the planned atack.

They read like an episode of "24."

Here are few of the instances which caught my eye while thumbing through the document earlier this morning:

DATE: April 12, 2004
SUBJECT: Lucy F. [FULL NAME REDACTED]
LOCATION: Naperville, Illinois
ORIGINATING PHONE #: 630-[REDACTED]

REPORT: Lucy F., in a phone call to neighbor, Jennifer G., outlined plans for her and her husband, Larry F., to bring their triplet boys, aged 5, to a local restaurant, [RESTAURANT NAME REDACTED], for dinner that evening. In the course of the call, Lucy F. informed Jennifer G. that the boys were "certain to raise hell" in the restaurant, "because that's what they do everywhere we go with them. But I'll be damned if Larry and I can't even go to dinner because no babysitter can handle these little terrorists."

When asked by Jennifer G. if she (Lucy F.) thought the resulting chaos would ruin dinner for other restaurant patrons, Lucy said, "Yeah, probably, but what are we supposed to do? Act like prisoners in our own home?"

ACTION: NSA officials listening to the conversation (after picking up the words "terrorists" through the datamining tools) dispatched local F.B.I. agents to "air" the tires of the F.'s minivan parked in their driveway, thereby disabling the vehicle and preventing the family from going to the target restaurant.

RESULT: Restaurant patrons were spared the experience of having their pleasant Friday night out ruined by three rambunctious, 5-year-old terrorists.

DATE: September 27, 2004
SUBJECT: Lisa G. [FULL NAME REDACTED]
LOCATION: Eufaula, Alabama
ORIGINATING PHONE #: 334-[REDACTED]

REPORT: Lisa G., a 17-year-old junior at Eufaula High School, plotted, along with several other unnamed co-conspirators, to "toilet paper" (TP) the homes of the high school football team's quarterback, halfback and middle linebacker in advance of the big game against league rival, Randolph Clay High School. Lisa G. stated in a "conference" phone call to three friends, "We need to nuke these guys tonight and the really great thing is that it's going to rain and this shit is almost impossible to get rid of when it's wet." Her co-conspirators emitted cold-hearted laughs at this point.

ACTION: Local authorities were alerted and set up surveillance at each of the three target locations. Four suspects were apprehended at the home of the quarterback and their toilet paper was confiscated in advance of being deployed. (Additional note: It WAS raining.)

RESULT: The families of the three targeted athletes did not have to clean up toilet paper from the trees and bushes in their front yards the following morning.

DATE: December 16, 2004
SUBJECT: Tom S. [FULL NAME REDACTED]
LOCATION: Cleveland, Ohio
ORIGINATING PHONE #: 216-[REDACTED]

REPORT: Tom S., 24, in a phone call to friend, Todd G. [FULL NAME REDACTED], announced plans to "dump" girlfriend, Betsy M. [FULL NAME REDACTED], "before Christmas so I don't have to spend money on a present for her." Todd G. asked how this would make Betsy M. feel, and Tom S. responded, "It will hit her like a huge bomb. But I'm broke and she's expecting something nice like jewelry or something." Todd G. then said Tom S.'s idea "seems like a good plan, because you can always patch things up at the New Year's Eve party." Tom S. replied, "No shit, Sherlock. I've thought of that already." [Additional note: We were unable to ascertain who "Sherlock" was or if there was a third party on the phone during this conversation. The investigation is continuing.]

ACTION: Agents from the Cleveland office of the F.B.I. notified Betsy M. that Tom S. intended to "drop a huge bomb" on her in the coming days prior to Christmas.

RESULT: Betsy M. thwarted the anticipated "bombing" by telling Tom S. that she had been secretly seeing his friend, Todd G. for more than a month (untrue, apparently, according to a follow-up F.B.I. report), thereby horribly ruining the holiday season of both Tom S. and Todd G. and leading to a fisfight between the two men at the aforementioned New Year's Eve party.

There are thousands of these instances in the report and I may share more over the course of the next several days. But suffice it to say, I may be rethinking my opposition to the NSA program based on these stunning results.

The NSA, Dick Cheney and George Bush are, indeed, saving average Americans from terrorist-like assaults every day. Sometimes we have to give up some of our freedoms in order to remain free.

EXCLUSIVE! Bush's Thoughts During Colbert's Correspondents' Dinner Performance

My highly-placed source at the White House surprised me today with a first: a transcript of what President George Bush was thinking during Stephen Colbert's blistering satiric roast of the President and the press at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' dinner.

My source explained that Karl Rove recently had a highly-advanced computer chip placed directly into Bush's brain so that the Rove could transmit thoughts to Bush without the need for the bulky "backpack" receiver/inner ear device Bush has worn in debates and press conferences.

But a weird side effect of implanting this new chip has been the ability to actually hear Bush's thoughts. (Granted, there's not a whole helluva' lot going on in there, but it does provide further insight into the manner in which our Fearless Leader® operates.)

When Rove discovered this strange byproduct of the chip implantation, he ordered an aide to transcribe Bush's thoughts along with a relevant/simultaneous timeline of events.

What follows are selected portions of Bush's thoughts during Stephen Colbert's performance at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner. Relevant Colbert remarks appear in bold. Bush's thoughts appear in italic.

The surprising news is that, contrary to reports in the press, Bush wasn't angry with Colbert at the end of the comedian's performance. He was angry with First Lady Laura Bush! Read on for the details...

Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming.

I'm his hero! Of course I'm his hero! I'm everyone's hero!

Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Oh good. He's gonna' mock Cheney and not me. I hate Cheney. He's not the boss of me.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

I wonder if that works up here, too. I need another glass of vino. WHISPER: Can I get another glass of the white?

We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir?

I like this guy.

That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut.

Damn straight, Steve! I need a guy like you to replace Rover when he gets his ass hauled away. Remember to mark that down... Hire Steve Colbert as new guy to help me do stuff...

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.

Fifty states... Fifty states... Is that right?

I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

This guy is terrific! I hope my asshole father is listening... Hey, dad, this guy LOVES me and LOVES what we've done in Iraq!

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

He's wrong here. I'm pretty sure Jews don't believe in Christ. That's why I don't trust Jews.

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Amen!

So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing?

I like that! I like the way this guy thinks! Whatever it takes, we're getting him on staff ASAP!

And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees.

Why are people laughing?

I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart.

But what about 'Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?" I love that book! It has heart! C'mon, Steve, you're wrong here!

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

I hope someone is writing this stuff down. I want to use that line in my next speech!

As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.

Oh shit. He forgot Rumsfeld. I'm going to be hearing all kinds of shit from that asshole now.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing.

Cheney says they're secret cuz they're illegal. But I like 'super-depressing' better. Good one, Steve. Write that one down for the next speech, too...

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down.

I'm the Decider! I get to decide what's best and what I decide is best because that's what I decided!

At this point, videotape shows Laura Bush leaning over and saying something to the President.

She says he is "ripping you a new asshole." What is she listening to? Idiot. She never was very smart. She's lucky she landed me or she'd still be living back in Podunk town with that loser, Tom Fredericks. This guy LOVES me! What's she talking about?

By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him.

That'll be great, but I wish Rover would tell me in advance about this shit. That'll be even better than being on with that little bitch, Katie Couric.

Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys.

Cheney should tell Rumsfeld to do this. If I tell Rumsfeld to do this, he'll just tell me to fuck off like he always does when I say something to him.

Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.

Why is Wilson still breathing? Cheney said he was going to take care of him. Steve will be needing to take over for Rover -- Hey, I made a poem! -- Steve will be having to take over for Rover because of this thing. Over for Rover, over for Rover, over for Rover...

Colbert talks about Tony Snow and Scott McClellan and tells the President he wanted to audition for the job. Colbert then shows a video of himself handling the press followed by him being stalked by Helen Thomas.

Just punch her, Steve! Just punch her! She's way smaller than you! Hit her real, real hard like I did to Harriet Miers when I found out she gave money to Al Gore's campaign! Slug that sawed-off, pushy little bitch!

Laura Bush leans over to the President and says something as the video ends.

Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!

She's "never been so insulted?" Why? Because the guy actually likes me? Well, fuck her! Some people DO like me! And he just so happens to be one of them! So FUCK HER! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

With that, the President and the First Lady rose from their seats, quickly shook Colbert's hand, and walked off the stage. Rove's aide recorded these final Bush thoughts:

She's worse than my dad. Worse! He told me I was stupid almost every day of my life! I don't need to hear this shit from her everyday! This guy was great! And he likes me! So FUCK YOU, LAURA! I wish I could say that out loud... But she'd kill me. Or she'd be really mean and say what she always says... "Have another pretzel." Colbert... Colbert... Got it! His nickname will be "Cheese!" Like Colby cheese! Hi, Cheese!

Today's Subversive Letter-to-the-Editor Templates

Many of you have probably read comedian Don Novello's (Father Guido Sarducci) series of books, The Lazlo Letters.

The books contain Novello's written exchanges with celebrities, corporations, politicians and other public figures under the guise of his crazed, letter-writing American patriot, Lazlo Toth. (Nice interview with Bob Garfield here.)

I've always enjoyed the subversiveness of the Lazlo books and have long carried on a subversive tradition of my own: attacking wingnuttery with letters-to-the-editor that out-wingnut the wingnuts.

Sure, many of the wackiest wingnuts won't see themselves when this mirror is held up to their views, but I know that more than a few (some of whom I know quite well) cringe when they see the reality and hypocrisy of their positions exposed in such a public forum. And many party-neutral voters will wonder, "What the hell is wrong with these people?"

So today I begin a series of periodic posts providing letter-to-the-editor templates for subversive letters we can send to our local papers.

Today's subject: Bush the Decider and Don Rumsfeld

The great thing about Bush's inane comment yesterday ("I'm the decider") is that we can use his own words in letters of support that sound just as stupid as they did when they left his mouth. And we can repeat his inanity, ad nauseum.

I present three options: coherent, mildly incoherent, ranting lunacy.

Feel free to cut and paste and send to your own paper. You can explain all this to your liberal friends after the fact... And then enlist them into the project, too!

OPTION A: Wingnut who can actually string sentences together

To the editor:

I was heartened to see President Bush declare yesterday, "I am the decider" when it comes to the future of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. Those calling for Mr. Rumsfeld to resign, particularly during a time of war, are undermining our efforts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq, even if the people there would prefer to have a civil war. In addition, these critics are not the deciders. Mr. Rumsfeld and all members of the President's staff and cabinet serve at the President's discretion. George Bush is the decider. And I stand by his claim to that title.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION B: Classic ignorant wingnut

To the editor:

Donald Rumsfeld should not resign. These generals and Democrats who are on a witchhunt for him should be quiet. Our brave men and women are fighting to bring all the freedoms we enjoy to Iraqis, like freedom of expression. And we have people in our own country who undercut our democracy fighters by attacking the President and Secretary Rumsfeld. As President Bush said yesterday, he is the decider on this, not some lazy, retired general living off our tax dollars with a fat pension.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION C: Batshit insane wingnut
[NOTE: You may have to try and slip a fake name past the paper's censors/checkers with this one. To much possible backlash.]

To the editor:

The retired generals and Democrats screaming for Rumsfeld to quit should be tried for treason! We're in a war with people who want to kill every last one of us! If these criticizers love Muslims so much, let them move to Muslimia! We have brave soldiers in Iraq getting blown up almost daily just so Iraqis can have what we have -- freedom! And Iraqis want freedom so much they are blowing each other up, too, just to see who can get control of their freedom! And we won't win with traitors in our midst! President Bush is the decider on Donald Rumsfeld, not the criticizers. They remind me of Benedict Arnolds.

- Bob Johnson

Give it a whirl! Works on any subject.

More later...

What I bought at the bazaar

I was on a business trip to Afghanistan this week, helping President Hamid Karzai come up with marketing strategies to win over regional warlords Afghan political leaders when I simply ran out of hard drive space on my Dell Inspiron 6400®*.

Faced with the dilemma of not being able to produce a really cool PowerPoint Hamid could use to convince these brutal drug lords lovers of Afhanistan's new-found freedom and democracy to join his government and "stop killing every goddamned government official I send to their regions", I went looking for a computer shop where I could buy a flash memory stick.

As I walked through the local Bagram bazaar, gnoshing on kabobs and hummus and buying traditional Afghan caps (pakols) and robes for friends and family back home, I came across two different merchants selling "used" memory sticks. Against my better judgement (never put a used memory stick into your computer's USB port if you're not sure where it's been!), I bought a used stick. After all, I was desperate.

I plugged the stick into the USB and this message instantly popped up onto my screen:

PROPERTY OF DONALD RUMSFELD - TOP SECRET - HIGHLY CLASSIFIED - DO NOT READ THIS - I WILL HAVE YOUR SORRY ASS CANNED, CANED AND SHIPPED TO UZBEKISTAN IF YOU READ EVEN A SINGLE WORD OF WHAT IS ON THIS THING AND YES THIS MEANS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE NOT ME!

Okay, I thought, now what? Should I turn this in to my American handlers and tell them I bought this at the Bagram bazaar? Of course, doing that would be admitting that I looked at the stick's contents, therefore subjecting myself to god-knows-what kind of torture in Uzbekistan. Plus, they'd never believe me. Donald Rumsfeld would never be stupid enough to leave something this important just laying around where the cleaning lady could pick it up.

I decided to keep it. And curiosity got the better of me. I scanned through the files on the memory stick...

How to properly ice your scrotum
Place a bag of crushed ice in...

Nevermind. You don't want to read that. Neither did I, frankly. The note was signed by Rumsfeld's doctor.

But I found this file interesting...

Cheney notes
Use the following information about Cheney selectively to keep him off-balance:
* Drunk off his ass when he shot Whittington
* Drunk most days by Noon
* Has had 14 unannounced heart attacks since January 2000
* Talks to himself constantly, often yelling loudly, "Go fuck yourself! Go fuck yourself!"
* Wears pantyhose -- claims for medical reasons, but a staffer told me Cheney said he "just likes the way they feel."
* Hates Bush with a burning passion
* Generally, hates everyone with a burning passion
* Doesn't know where he is frequently -- constantly asking staff, "Is this the bunker?" when he's actually in his office.
* Not nearly as smart as me
* Farts... a lot
* Has funneled billions of dollars into Swiss bank accounts through Halliburton money-laundering operation -- way more than me (THIS IS A BIG ONE!)
* Can't dance for shit.

And what about this file on Condi Rice?

Rice notes
Untrustworthy bitch out to get me. Use this info selectively to knock her off stride, and, perhaps, take her out:

* Not nearly as hot as she thinks she is
* Colored
* Grinds teeth constantly -- has severe jaw and dental problems as a result
* May be certifiably insane according DoD psychiatrists who listened to her tapped, private phone calls
* Has used State Department jet to fly to Paris on shopping spree
* Bought French stuff
* Eats escargot constantly so her breath reeks
* Biggest Bush ass-kisser in the Cabinet
* Possible lesbo -- unconfirmed, but what the hell, I can always leak the rumor
* Hair is actually kinky Afro (saw her without hair gel on equatorial Africa trip), not flip thing she wears -- she IS colored (I know I already put that one on the list)
* Has her own stash of tactical nukes in a bunker in Pennsylvania somewhere -- claims they're in case we get attacked and Bush and Cheney are incapacitated
* Okay dancer, but not that great considering she's colored

And, finally, this file on Bush...

Bush notes
God, how I hate this guy. (Got that in common with Cheney.) What a fucking dumbass. Some shit on Bush:

* Idiot -- one of the dumbest people I have ever met
* Lazy -- hasn't done a full day's work - cumulatively - since taking office
* Doesn't read a goddamn thing -- ever
* Giggles like a little boy caught with his dick in his hand -- embarrassing when we're meeting with world leaders
* Sleeps through most meetings
* Once asked me, "Am I in charge of the Army and stuff?" (I told him, "No, I am." He seemed satisfied, even happy)
* Has no idea what me and Cheney are up to -- that's good
* Actually believes we all like him
* One time showed up to an emergency meeting in the Sit Room in his boxers -- said he didn't have time to get dressed
* Makes disparaging remarks about Rice behind her back -- calls her "the kitchen help"
* Hates his old man - once told me after a few drinks that the old man told him he was stupid just about every day of his life growing up - kind of sad I suppose, but I don't give a fuck, frankly
* Too stupid to know how to skim money out of no-bid contracts, so we don't tell him about it (Cheney wanted to cut him in so he'd have culpability, too, but I said, "Fuck him")
* Scared shitless of me so he will never fire me, no matter how fucked up things get in Iraq
* Did send a few deals to his sleazy brother, Neil, and to his old man and the Carlyle Group, especially on hurricane crap in Florida where the other sleazeball brother (Jeb) could cover for the the lot of them
* Drunk damn near every day
* On anti-depressants -- has been since October 2000
* Does IN FACT wear a wire and earpiece at most public appearances so shitball Rove can tell him what to say -- too stupid to actually think on his own
* Doesn't do a thing without Rove's approval
* Calls Rove "mommy" -- and he doesn't do it jokingly
* Doesn't get that I'm making fun of him most of the time, like when I buy him a bag of pretzels
* Can't dance for shit -- or ride a bike for that matter

There is a lot more on this memory stick that I may post later. If you don't hear from me for after this, just assume I've been swept up and sent to Uzbekistan.

By the way, I did finish creating the PowerPoint for Karzai. It's really good. I think he'll be getting the vicious, violent drug barons democracy-loving political powerhouses in Afghanistan to participate in the government very soon!

Fingers crossed!

*[DISCLOSURE: I am being paid a nominal product placement placement fee by Dell Computer Corporation]

D.C. Shocker: DeLay, Doyle Provide Scientific Evidence of Evolution

I was perusing the front page of today's New York Times when I read this exciting story:

Fossil Called Missing Link From Sea to Land Animals

Scientists have discovered fossils of a 375-million-year-old fish, a large scaly creature not seen before, that they say is a long-sought missing link in the evolution of some fishes from water to a life walking on four limbs on land.

...

In the fishes' forward fins, the scientists found evidence of limbs in the making. There are the beginnings of digits, proto-wrists, elbows and shoulders. The fish also had a flat skull resembling a crocodile's, a neck, ribs and other parts that were similar to four-legged land animals known as tetrapods.

The animal was described as having sharp teeth and was classified as a predator.

Later in the morning, I heard a radio interview about this fossil discovery with a prominent evolutionary biologist (his name escapes me at the moment) who suggested that, like many evolutionary changes, scientists speculate that crawling out of the water or into shallower waters allowed the animal to escape pursuit by larger predators, an adaptation known as "predator avoidance."

Further along in The Times front section I came across this article and put two and two together:

Official Resists Extradition on Charge Involving Internet and Sex

WASHINGTON, April 5 -- The Department of Homeland Security's deputy press secretary (Brian J. Doyle) appeared in a Maryland state court on Wednesday and refused extradition to Florida, where he faces charges of using the Internet to seduce someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl.

Brian Doyle is just like the animal of the fossil discovery: a predator of smaller creatures seeking to steer clear of bigger predators out to get him, in this case a Polk County detective and the Polk County prosecutor.

Brian Doyle is adapting and evolving before our eyes!

And how else to explain Tom DeLay's sudden departure from the House?  What a study in evolution!

DeLay goes from an exterminator (a job which, no doubt, led to the adaptation and evolution of cockroaches seeking to survive his fumigating), to being a bully and predator in the House of Representatives, to being the hunted, himself, sought by state and federal prosecutors on a myriad of charges.  And rather than hang in there and face the music, DeLay scurries away like one of the very cockroaches he used to fumigate!

Talk about symmetry in evolution.  We are witnessing evolution on a daily basis in the very people who discount the theory of evolution!

Oh, sure, there will always be those folks out there who posit that the Earth is only 6,000-years-old, but even they are being forced to adapt and evolve on the fly.  Witness this from The Times fossil story:

Dr. Shubin's team played down the fossil's significance in the raging debate over Darwinian theory, which is opposed mainly by some conservative Christians in this country, but other scientists were not so reticent. They said this should undercut the argument that there is no evidence in the fossil record of one kind of creature becoming another kind.

One creationist site on the Web (emporium.turnpike.net/C/cs /evid1.htm) declares that "there are no transitional forms," adding: "For example, not a single fossil with part fins, part feet has been found. And this is true between every major plant and animal kind."

Dr. Novacek responded: "We've got Archaeopteryx, an early whale that lived on land, and now this animal showing the transition from fish to tetrapod. What more do we need from the fossil record to show that the creationists are flatly wrong?"

On second thought, many of the creationists and religious hard-righties have, apparently, stopped adapting and evolving:

The Rev. Virl Murray, of Midway Assembly of God, said he does not believe in any kind of evolution.

"It's all speculation--could haves and would haves," Murray said. "When it comes down to the Bible they say there is no proof. Well, there's no proof here. They don't know what they have."

Murray said some things are unexplainable.

"There's an aspect in man that is unanswerable," he said. "We just have to accept that his ways are beyond finding out. Look at all of the unanswered questions in this world."

I have an unanswered question, Reverend...

The Stegosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut.  It is extinct.  Why are you still here?

Republican Senators Identify Crucial Issues Facing the Nation in `06

Item from the March 11 New York Times:

Setback to Bush on Ports Deal Casts a Shadow Over His Agenda

WASHINGTON, March 10 — President Bush's inability to hold sway over his party on the ports deal involving Dubai suggests that he faces trouble keeping Republicans together on his major policy initiatives this year, including overhauling immigration laws, approving new trade pacts and locking in his tax cuts, lawmakers and aides said on Friday.

...

In the Senate, Republicans also intend to hold votes on the politically charged topics of same-sex marriage and flag burning as the leadership reaches out to its conservative base.

My source on the staff of a leading Republican Senator slipped me this transcript of a secret Senate Republican legislative strategy session held last week in an undisclosed location. The entire Republican Senate leadership was in attendance including a number of Senators who may be candidates for President in `08...

FRIST (R-TN): Okay, you all know why we're here.

MCCAIN (R-AZ): Ethics reform?

[ROOM ERUPTS INTO TWO MINUTES OF SUSTAINED LAUGHTER AND GUFFAWS]

FRIST: Stop it, McCain! You're killing me!

MCCAIN: The same way you killed cats, Billy?

[MORE LAUGHTER, EXCEPT FOR FRIST]

BURNS (R-MT): Oh, lighten up, Billy! You know John didn't mean anything by it... even though he already has Rove developing TV ads that start out with an ugly black-and-white photo of you, ominous music and voiceover that says, "Why did this man torture little kittens?"

[MORE HOWLING LAUGHTER]

HATCH (R-UT): Now, that's just not fair, Conrad. You should--

STEVENS (R-AK): Shut up, Hatch. I hate the way you talk. Make's my skin crawl.

CORNYN (R-TX): Mine, too. You're creepy, Hatch. And what's with the tie tack?

HATCH: I have always worn--

STEVENS: Shut up! I'm getting the shivers! The bad kind!

SANTORUM (R-PA): Can we get to the part where we talk about outlawing man-on-dog relations?

BUNNING (R-KY): No way! I love my dog! I have to go potty!

MCCONNELL (R-KY): KB, can you walk Bunnng to the can?

HUTCHISON (R-TX): Why me?

LOTT (R-MS): Cuz that's about all you're good for, honey.

HUTCHISON: Fine! C'mon, Jim, I'll take you to the potty...

DOLE (R-NC): As a key leader, I move that we give ourselves a huge pay raise!

[LONG SILENCE]

WARNER (R-VA): No wonder you've been such a failure at the RSCC...

ALLEN: Idiot.

MCCAIN: Whoo, boy! Look who's talkin'!

[SNICKERING LAUGHTER]

ALLEN: I am NOT stupid!

SPECTER (R-PA): You make Bush look like Einstein.

[MORE SNICKERING LAUGHTER]

HATCH: Now, that's just not fair, Arlen. George Allen is a bright, capa--

STEVENS: Stop it! Stop talking, Hatch! You're giving me the willies again!

LOTT: I have to admit, you've always creeped me out, too, Hatch.

HATCH: Well, I'm sorry--

[CORNYN SLAPS HAND ACROSS THE MOUTH OF HATCH, MUZZLING HIM]

HATCH: MMMPH MMMMPH

CORNYN: Somebody get me a roll of duct tape!

MCCONNELL: Is Hutchison back from the can with Bunning?

HUTCHISON: I'm back.

MCCONNELL: Go find a roll of duct tape.

HUTCHISON: Why do I always have to be the one who--

LOTT: Shut up and do what you're told, dearie. And grab me a cup of coffee while you're at it.

[JOE LIEBERMAN (D-CT) WALKS INTO ROOM, CARRYING A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE AND A TRAY WITH TEN COFFEES]

LIEBERMAN: Hi, gang, sorry I'm late!

STEVENS: Another guy whose voice makes my skin crawl!

[STEVENS DASHES AT LIEBERMAN, KNOCKS HIM DOWN, GRABS DUCT TAPE AND COVERS LIEBERMAN'S MOUTH WITH TAPE]

LIEBERMAN: MMMMFT! MMMMMMM!

MCCAIN: I'm glad you did that, Stevens. I was afraid Lieberman was gonna' try and french me like he did with Bush. He's such a suck-up.

SANTORUM: Is Lieberman a heathen homo who is just one step from making love to a Golden Retriever?

SPECTER: You have a Golden, don't you, Rick?

SANTORUM: I... Well... I--

FRIST: Okay, look, everyone, we're here to outline our agenda for the rest of `06, or at least up until the election. Our nation is facing some grave tests, some serious, pressing isues, and we need to lead.

ALLEN (R-VA): Agreed. We MUST outlaw flag burning!

[SHOUTS OF "YES!" AND "INDEED!"]

COBURN (R-OK): And we must stop the homos in their tracks! They're threatening the very core -- the very health -- of our nation! No gay marriage! We must ban it!

[MORE SHOUTS OF "YES!" AND "INDEED!"]

FRIST Anything else?

[LONG SILENCE]

GRAHAM (R-SC): Not that I can think of...

MCCAIN: Nothing comes to mind...

FRIST: Okay. Meeting adjourned. Let Lieberman and Hatch up off the floor, fellas. And take the tape off their mouths.

[TEARING SOUND OF TAPE BEING TORN FROM THEIR MOUTHS]

LIEBERMAN: I still love you guys. I do. Even though you tackled me and taped my mouth shut.

HATCH: Oh shut up, you weenie...

LIEBERMAN: OUCH!!! Hatch stabbed me with his tie tack!

LOTT: God, I hate ALL of these people. Every last one...

So there you have it. The entire `06 agenda of the Republican Senators.

Stay tuned for their continuing (mis)adventures...

Cheney Shoots Hunting Companion; Transcript Tells Real Story

News item:

Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Harry Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was "alert and doing fine" in a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday after he was shot by Cheney on a ranch in south Texas, said Katharine Armstrong, the property's owner.

...

The shooting was first reported by the Corpus Christi Caller-Times. The vice president's office did not disclose the accident until the day after it happened.

As many of you know, I have a number of sources in this administration, including within the Secret Service. I just received this transcript of the conversation that occurred between Cheney and Whittington just before the "accidental" shooting took place:

Whittington: You know, Dick, I have to say I disagree with you on this NSA thing.

Cheney: I'm protecting you from terrorists, Harry.

Whittington: Yeah, but from what I've read, you haven't caught anyone because of this. Not a single person.

Cheney: Okay. That's--

Whittington: And it's operating beyond the law.

Cheney: You've had your say. Okay?

Whittington: Okay, but the damn thing is unconstitutional, Dick.

Cheney: Quail!

[GUNSHOT]

Whittington: (Grunting and moaning)

Cheney: Now, go fuck yourself, Harry... Get him the hell outta' here.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

That Dick Cheney is angry and unhinged, isn't he?

I support profiling and torture to protect Americans from threats

Yes, I know some of you are shocked to read that headline from me.

I can hear your responses now, as though I was sitting in a chair next to you while you stare, mouth agape, at your computer screen...

"Bob, what the fuck?! Have you lost your marbles?"

No, I have my marbles right here in my pocket where I always keep them. (And to answer those who are wondering, yes, my pants DO have pockets in them, and I AM, in fact, rolling my marbles around down there.)

Anyway, I've given this subject a lot of thought and I have decided that when it comes to serious threats to Americans, I am in favor of profiling and torture.

Now, bear with me for a moment as I align facts and figures to bolster my newly-held position...

According to this report more than 43,000 Americans were killed in 2003... by vehicles!

I had no idea vehicles were killing that many Americans every year! This is insanity! Why do vehicles hate us?

I realize, of course, that we can't round up every vehicle and send them all to Uzbekistan or Egypt or Libya for torture until they cough up blood details on how and why they are killing Americans, and their plans for killing more Americans in the future, but we CAN profile vehicles to find the most dangerous among them!

Yeah, yeah, I know, you namby-pamby, liberal hand-wringers will start shouting, "But, Bob, what about the civil rights of SUVs (or motorcycles or whatever)?" But I am saying that we know some of these vehicles are plotting to kill Americans as I write this and it is only reasonable and rational that we ferret out these threats using any means possible before they strike!

Or maybe you just don't care about America or your fellow citizens... Maybe you're just anti-American!

So let's start NOW with SUVs. Profile every single one of them. Yes, we have to give up a little of our freedom in these times to ensure our nation's safety and security. But that is a small price to pay.

Anyone who disagrees with me will have to counter this truth:

If we round up every SUV in the United States, and at least interrogate these SUVs, and, then, send the ones that may be plotting to kill innocent American men, women and children to secret jails in countries that permit torture, or to humane (and, yes, they ARE humane!) detention camps built by a division of Halliburton, the number of American killed by SUVs will decline, and, thus, we will have saved the lives of perhaps thousands of Americans! (Just like our esteemed Vice President, Dick Cheney, has said.)

So, go ahead, you liberal whiners, and name-call (as is your wont). Sure, I'm a "fascist" because I want to ferret out threats to Americans before they strike. I don't care anymore.

Next on my list is hot dogs, the most serious choking threat in America today. I have already detailed an algorithm for profiling the most threatening hotdogs. "Coney Island Foot Longs" top the list. Am I wrong to suggest that these threats to our safety and security be placed in boiling water until they reveal their nefarious plots?

What you label "fascism," I call "common sense."

Kiss my ass, liberals!

Once again, The Onion predicts the future (and other miscellania)

I was thumbing through the paper this morning when I came across a startling, full-page, 4-color ad for the Gillette Fusion five-bladed razor.

And I said to my wife, "Who the hell needs five blades?"

Well, we know who needs five blades, don't we? Gillette, of course! An eight-pack of five-bladed Fusion replacement cartridges will run you a steep $24.99 at drugstore.com.

Meanwhile, my old Trac II shaves just fine with only two blades and I can snag a ten-pack of replacement cartridges for just $10.99.

En route to searching for a picture to post of this brilliant new technology that shaves you so close, you actually end up shaving the inside of your skin, I stumbled across an article from The Onion from nearly two years ago that predicted this exact product.

Once again, The Onion proves Nostradamus-like in its satire.

Here's a snippet. (Go read the entire piece. It's a hoot.)

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Wonderful, eh? And scary that the insanity of the real world eventually catches up to their satire. (And, yes, the famous headline and story after the first GW Bush coronation inauguration remains their most frighteningly accurate Nostradamus moment.)

A few pages further on in the paper, I found this startling piece of news:

Postage Is Due for Companies Sending E-Mail

By SAUL HANSELL
Published: February 5, 2006

Companies will soon have to buy the electronic equivalent of a postage stamp if they want to be certain that their e-mail will be delivered to many of their customers.

America Online and Yahoo, two of the world's largest providers of e-mail accounts, are about to start using a system that gives preferential treatment to messages from companies that pay from 1/4 of a cent to a penny each to have them delivered. The senders must promise to contact only people who have agreed to receive their messages, or risk being blocked entirely.

The company providing these "tollbooth" services is Goodmail.

So, okay, I get mail in a Yahoo account from a few businesses I buy from on a regular basis, including specialty outfits like performancebike.com that sells cycling gear. These companies inform me of things like sales, travel bargains and other information I find useful. But as the article points out:

Matt Blumberg, the chief executive of Return Path, the New York company that runs Bonded Sender, said there was no need for the Goodmail price to be so high.

"From AOL's perspective, this is an opportunity to earn a significant amount of money from the sale of stamps," he said. "But it's bad for the industry and bad for consumers. A lot of e-mailers won't be able to afford it."

Will e-mailers who sell specialty items with smaller audiences be shut out of reaching their customers through AOL and Yahoo mail accounts because they won't be able to afford the fees? Quite possible.

But I was struck by the Goodmail's CEO use of "protecting consumers" as a justification for his company's service:

"The e-mail in-box is a potentially dangerous place," said Richard Gingras, the chief executive of Goodmail. "There is a tremendous need for a class of certified e-mail that can convey to consumers that a message is authentic."

Mr. Gingras argued that companies will be glad to pay the postage fee because their customers will have more trust in their e-mail and thus will buy more from them.

Yeah, right. Sound familiar? Reminded me of the scare tactics the Bushies employ to justify illegal spying and torture. "It's a dangerous world out there and we have to do these things to keep America safe."

Well, I call bullshit, Mr. Gingras.

As the article points out earlier:

But in recent years the volume of spam has leveled off, in part because of a new federal law that imposes penalties for many deceptive e-mail practices. Moreover, most major e-mail providers have built sophisticated filters that divert much of the spam. AOL says that spam complaints from its members are down 75 percent since their peak in 2003.

So why do they need this service, again?

Between a new five-bladed razor, and trumped up scare tactics designed to make AOL and Yahoo millions off of e-mail, I rated this a bad day for capitalism.

As I told my wife, some days I'm embarrassed to be in the marketing and advertising business.

She reminded me that it pays the bills.

Always the pragmatist.

Bush writes own State of the Union. I have advance copy.

My friend who has access to the upper echelons of power within the White House slipped me a copy of Bush's State of the Union address... The one Bush wrote, himself, prior to being told by Karl Rove, "There's no fucking way we let you read ANYTHING you wrote yourself! Got that, asshole?"

Bush's notes to his staff are noted within parenthesis.

So, without further ado, I present George W. Bush's State of the Union... In his own words:

Hi, evryone. Itz me George W. Bush yor prezidint.

In these hallowd chambers (I like using terms like hallowd chambers even tho I don't no what it means) In these hallowd chambers bills get presinted and past. Jujes get upper down votes. Speachis get made. Importint decizens get dun. In these hallowd chambers. (I am uzing that one a lot to show that I can uze terms like hallowd chambers okay?)

So wut have we dun this year hear? All kinze of stuff. Stuff that helps the American peepil. But we have much more stuff to do to help the American peepil. Like cutting taxes in these hallowd chambers. (Iz it it ok to uze it agin?)

We have fawt a war to fite teririzm wile fiteing terirists over whair we are fiteing the war. And we are stil fiteing that war over there so we don't haf to fite a war over here. In these hallowd chambers. (Wil thay clap hear?)

We wil not stop fiteing the terirists until we kil them all. All of them. Kil kil kil! (I bet thay clap hear for shur.)

We mus fite the terirists ware thay liv. Like in plasis aroun the wirld and stuff. We wil go get them with secret boms and uther stuff we maik that can fine terirists and blow them up! (I bet evrywon wil be gone crazy hear!)

An we wil spie on terirists so we no ware thay wil go to be terirists and to do teririst atax on Americans. So we haf to spie! Spie spie spie so we can kil kil kil. Becuz my job as prezidint iz to maik all of you saif. An to be saif we haf to spie. Jus on the terirists. Not on uther peepil. You haf my werd.

We did uther stuff this year to like um like we like (put sumthing in hear pleaz about sum uther stuff we did this year.)

And the Medicare drug thing is good (How cum eefin my mom sez this is efft up? Huh?)
We kep pricis low (Oil is to scairy rite now)
We fixt Soshil Sacurety so peepil can poot thair muney is uther stuff (Nefermine)
I wen on a lot of vacashins (Maibe this is not good)

In these hallowd chambers. We ilectid Juj Aleeto to tha Soopreem Cort. (I will poynt to Juj Aleeto hear.) My niknaim for him is Pipeeto. (I wil laf hear.) Hi Pipeeto! He is up thair nex to my wife! (I wil poin to him agin hear.) (I expec to get a good laf hear.)

An we ilectid Juj Robertson to the Soopreem Cort! (I wil poynt to Juj Robertson hear in the frunt roe.)

We wil werk together with the uther side to do uther importint stuff like (I cant think of anything for hear)

Oh we wil sen a astronut to Marz! (Is that rite? Is it Marz or is it unuther planit?)

(I wil waiv an wink an smile at peepil in the awdeens hear.)

Thank you and God bless America! (Peepil wil stan up and chear hear.)

(I no it is a short speech but I wan to go to bed erlee on Toozday nite becuz I wil be tired frum practissing my speech.)

We'll see how much of this speech he'll use tonight. Keep your ears open.

Can't tell the haters without a scorecard

C'mon, people! Sing along with me!

People...
People who hate people...
Are the luckiest people...
In the world...

I love the haters, cloaking themselves in religion and/or righteousness, wishing death upon those with whom they disagree. Seems to be an increasingly popular activity these days...

Poison Justice Stevens, Coulter jokes

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas (AP) -- Conservative commentator Ann Coulter, speaking at a traditionally black college, joked that Justice John Paul Stevens should be poisoned.

Coulter had told the Philander Smith College audience Thursday that more conservative justices were needed on the Supreme Court to change the current law on abortion.

Stevens is one of the court's most liberal members.

"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee," Coulter said. "That's just a joke, for you in the media."

Robertson suggests God smote Sharon
Evangelist links Israeli leader's stroke to 'dividing God's land'

(CNN) -- Television evangelist Pat Robertson suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza, which Robertson opposed.

"He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America,'" Robertson told viewers of his long-running television show, "The 700 Club."

"God says, 'This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone,'" he said.

Pat Robertson calls for assassination of Hugo Chavez

VIRGINIA BEACH (AP) — Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson suggested on-air that American operatives assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism."

Osama bin Laden Promises More Attacks on United States

Jan. 19, 2006 — Osama bin Laden's threats on a newly released audiotape should be taken very seriously, terrorism experts warned today.

On the tape, bin Laden warns that al Qaeda is making preparations for attacks on the United States. It appears to be the most explicit warning bin Laden has ever made of a pending attack on the United States.

Okay, so here's the scorecard:

• The first quote is from Ann Coulter. She's the 5'-12", bottle-blond, anorexic, Republican cross-dresser with the bulging Adam's Apple (gives her/him away).

• The second and third quotes are from that short-of-stature, eyes-agape, big-eared lunatic, Pat Robertson, who is forever calling upon God to smote those he considers infidels/sinners/enemies.

• The last quote is from the world-renowned hater, Osama bin Laden. When last seen, this tall, anorexic loon was heavily-bearded, wearing cammos, and toting a Kalashnikov. (I know, I know. Could be a description of Castro, too.)

Now, Bush says we should be worried about this third character, the bearded guy, bin Laden. (Even though last year at this time, Bush said he was "not worried about bin Laden"... Go figure.)

Should we be worried about the other two, one of whom is calling for the murder of a Supreme Court Justice, and the other who is calling for the death of one world leader and the murder of another?

See what I mean?

You need a scorecard to keep all these haters straight.

And these folks are just the tip of the iceberg. I had a sit down interview with Christ (the Christ of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and James Dobson, to name just a few of the haters flying under the fundamentalist banner these days), and even this particular Lord and Savior seemed to be on the hate bandwagon.

(Just a note... He's also a tall, skinny guy with a beard. No camo or Kalashnikov when I spoke with him, though.)

The whole thing gets so damn confusing. Maybe it's time for a simple handbook that can identify these haters, kind of like an Audubon Field Guide except substituting haters for birds or wildflowers or butterflies.

If Coulter grew a beard, donned camos, and tucked her bleached locks under a turban, could you tell her from Osama bin Laden? Just askin'...

The Poetry of Dick Cheney

For the safety and security of the person(s) involved, I cannot reveal how these authenticated pages of The Poetry of Dick Cheney came into my possession.

These poems were scribbled in the pages of a handsome, leather-bound, oiled Moleskine Journal.

I am reproducing some of the poems here to offer insight into the mind of the man who many call "The Dark Lord." Please leave your reactions and comments, below.

Thank you.

Beauty

Halle Berry, Halli Burton.
Both
are fine
by me.

Dumbfuck

George, the fool,
Makes his old man look like a genius,
And he was a tool,
too.

My Ticker

It stops,
It starts,
I flops,
I farts,
I wish I had,
Two hearts!

A back-up ticker,
That wouldn't flicker,
When the first one quits.

It thumps,
It skips,
Me rumps,
Me hips,
They hit the floor,
Me pants splits.

A back-up ticker,
A constant clicker,
When the first one quits.

In fits,
And starts,
It spits,
It darts,
I wish I had,
Two hearts.

A back-up ticker,
A steady kicker,
When the first one quits.

Shoot the Damn Thing!

Hunting with Scalia,
My prostate acting up,
"I got to go pee-a!"
He says, "Use a cup."

Just then the geese emerge,
From `neath the hazy gauze,
Me, with little Dickie in hand,
While a bead, Salia draws.

"Shoot the damn thing," I shout!
Unable to squeeze out a drop,
While Scalia pulls his trigger,
And his gun lets out a "POP!"

"Goddamn it," Tony bellows,
"You made me miss my shot!"
"My prostate," I explain,
"Urinate, it will not."

Green

It's money I love,
More than my wife,
More than torture,
(Almost) more than life.

Not just for me,
But for my homies,
In the parlance of the press,
My "Halliburton cronies."

If I could still get hard,
And money was a hole,
I hit it every chance,
With my little Dickie pole.

I know that must sound sick,
But you may fail to comprehend,
That power comes from money,
It sends me `round the bend.

Uz Beck and Call?

I admire the Uzbeck way of extracting,
Teeth,
Fingernails,
Information.

I have more of Dick Cheney's poetry that I may add to this post as time permits.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has given you new insight into the soul (as it is) of our Vice President.

JUST ADDED: Additional selections from Mr. Cheney's notebook:

Max Protect

In my bunker,
See me hunker,
Down, down, down.

Me and Rummy,
No George -- dummy,
Clown, clown, clown.

From this hideout,
Wielding my clout,
In a long, black gown.

Rummy-O
Rummy-O, Rummy-O,
Wherefore art thou, Rummy-O?

Sneer

Some say it's perpetual,
My anti-intellectual,
Sneer.

Some call it a smirk,
And claim I'm a jerk,
Sneer.

I have a reply,
A one finger "Goodbye,"
Sneer.

Go fuck yourself.

I will add further selections as time permits...

Justice Department gets my Google search records

News item:

Google Resists U.S. Subpoena of Search Data

By KATIE HAFNER and MATT RICHTEL
Published: January 20, 2006

SAN FRANCISCO, Jan. 19 - The Justice Department has asked a federal judge to compel Google, the Internet search giant, to turn over records on millions of its users' search queries as part of the government's effort to uphold an online pornography law.

While news reports have noted that Google is fighting the Justice Department's demand to turn over a week's worth of search records for millions of users, a friend -- highly placed in the Department -- said that Justice had succeeded in downloading the records of a limited number of individuals from Google before the search giant pulled the plug on the practice.

I was among those limited few whose records fell into Justice Department hands.

What follows are partial transcripts of my Google searches, both primary and secondary, for the week of December 11 - 17, 2005, along with relevant notations from Justice Department officials (italics).

My comments on these files will appear outside of the blockquote.

United States Department of Justice

Search records for: Bob Johnson
Week of: December 11, 2005 - December 17, 2005
Search engine: Google

Search date/time: 12-11-05/09:58:12
Primary search: dog style
Secondary search(es): Dog style photo essay
Notes: Disgusting search. As the AG always says, missionary is not only preferred, it should be the law. We'll look into these links and see if any of the photos contain underage participants.

Search date/time:12-12-05/13:19:03
Primary search: disobedient dog
Secondary search(es): The Cocked-Leg Cure
Notes: Looking into this one. Could be an S&M search and then he clicks through to a cock site. Will check and report.

Search date/time: 12-14-05/20:02:51
Primary search: bitch mating
Secondary search(es): The Bitch in Heat
Notes: What a perv! These "bitches" better be of age, or this creep is goin' down!

Search date/time: 12-15-05/22:19:46
Primary search: ball screw shaft
Secondary search(es): Ensuring Ball-Screw Performance
Notes: Looks like our pal here is having a little trouble with "performance." Loser. Maybe we should send him a Viagra link! Ha-ha!

Search date/time:12-13-05/09:18:28
Primary search: pedal file
Secondary search(es): Pedal File review
Notes: This looks BIG! This guy is looking up pedal file stuff! Forward this one on to the AG, pronto!

I will note that this is only a partial transcript of my searches for that week, and there may be others, including cheney fascist asshole, that were not included here.

I have yet to be contacted by anyone from the Justice Department. However, this should serve as a cautionary tale to us all.

See you in Gitmo.

America! Let's solve our problems by not solving them!

PROBLEM #1: Fat America

News item:

2 Approaches to the Nation's Obesity Epidemic Coming Up for Review

By STEPHANIE SAUL
Published: January 17, 2006

Two new approaches to weight loss are up for review by federal regulators. And they represent vastly different solutions to the nation's obesity epidemic - for consumers and for the companies behind the drugs.

One, called Acomplia, would be a prescription pill to control appetite by blocking the same brain receptors that stimulate the "munchies" in marijuana smokers. Some financial analysts see Acomplia as the most promising new drug of the year, and they predict multibillion-dollar sales eventually for its maker, the French company Sanofi-Aventis.

The other, with the proposed name Alli, is a weight-loss drug that works by blocking the body's absorption of fat. Since 1999 it has been sold in the United States as the prescription medication Xenical. GlaxoSmithKline is proposing an over-the-counter version, a prescription-quality alternative to the diet remedies available in drugstore aisles and over the Internet.

Um, these are "vastly different solutions?" Vastly different than what?

I have an idea. How about educating people in every way possible about eating healthy and ingesting less fat-laden crap? How about insisting that our schools serve healthy foods as part of this educational program? How about increasing the amount of exercise our kids get everyday, in and out of school?

What's that you say? That's a bad idea? Oh... Just give `em a pill! Of course! What was I thinking?!

McDonald's and Taco Bell can contnue to peddle garbage masquerading as food, and the drug companies can make money fixing the problems all that fat creates! It's a win-win!

I'm with you now! I love capitalism! One hand feeds the other (so to speak).

Nevermind the astronomical costs in healthcare, lost worker productivity, and the early deaths of thousands and thousands of Americans each year from complications of obesity.

PROBLEM #2: Oil - Limited supply, soaring prices, no plan to reduce dependency

News item 1:

Kuwait oil reserves only half official estimate-PIW

LONDON, Jan 20 (Reuters) - OPEC producer Kuwait's oil reserves are only half those officially stated, according to internal Kuwaiti records seen by industry newsletter Petroleum Intelligence Weekly (PIW).

"PIW learns from sources that Kuwait's actual oil reserves, which are officially stated at around 99 billion barrels, or close to 10 percent of the global total, are a good deal lower, according to internal Kuwaiti records," the weekly PIW reported on Friday.

News item 2:

US sees Iraqi oil production choked for years

Iraq has vast hydrocarbon potential that could rival major producers such as Saudi Arabia and Russia, but United States government analysts are predicting that Iraqi oil production development will remain thwarted for years to come.

Let's see now... Kuwait has been lying about its oil reserves and the world actually has 5% less oil than previously believed. Iraq is a mess and it's oil delivery system may be devastated for years to come. Iran may soon be blown to bits. China is gobbling up oil faster than it can be sucked from the ground...

And our government is doing what, exactly, to reduce our oil consumption? Giving big tax breaks to companies that buy gaz guzzlers like Hummers?

Makes sense to me!

Oh, but we need to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve so we can be "energy self-sufficient!" That'll solve our energy problems! If it wasn't for those damn environmental Nazis...

Hmmm...

According to this Department of Energy assessment of the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWR) oil field:

The USGS made the following estimates in 1998 of technically recoverable oil and natural gas liquids from the ANWR Coastal Plain:

* There is a 95 percent probability (a 19 in 20 chance) that at least 5.7 billion barrels of oil are recoverable.

* There is a 5 percent probability (a 1 in 20 chance) that at least 16 billion barrels of oil are recoverable.

* The mean (expected value) estimate is 10.3 billion barrels of recoverable oil.

Gee, wonder what our daily oil consumption was last year... Oh! Here it is!

Consumption of petroleum in the US reached record highs in 2005, climbing 1.7% over 2004 levels to an average 20.7 million barrels per day (7.5 billion barrels annually), according to data from the DOE’s Energy Information Administration.

So we'd get a year, maybe a year-and-a-half's worth of oil out of the Arctic. Well, that solves everything! No need to reduce consumption! We have 12 to 18 months worth of oil where the polar bears, musk oxen and caribou roam along, with the 135 species of birds that call the refuge home.

Hey, tough luck, creatures! I want to drive my tax-break Hummer!

Damn environmental Nazis...

Money talks. And having the reigning powers in this country in the pockets of the pharmaceutical and energy industries (to name just two) means we ignore the real issues and plaster over the fault lines with money-making plans for these favored industries. (Nevermind the train-wreck, big-pharma-giveaway that is Medicare D.)

Oh, and we've turned the corner in Iraq, too.

I know, I know, I'm a traitor and I need to be spied upon without a warrant.

I hope Glaxo can come up with an anti-traitor pill.

I just banned myself from my own blog.

Read the comments, below.

I originally was going to make this blog entry a rant against the spineless Senate Democrats who have decided not to filibuster Alito. But before I could even get the post out, the battle, below, ensued between myself and myself. One side argued for bashing the Democrats, and the other told me to support the Party or shut the hell up.

Ultimately, the violent argument resulted in me banning myself from my blog.

I'm not sure how this is going to work, but this may be my last post here.

I talked to Christ today

I had a sit down interview with Jesus Christ today. It was enlightening and disturbing all at once.

We started with Ariel Sharon.

He told me Sharon should die for handing over territory -- holy ground -- to the heathen, pagan, Islamic Palestinian devils.

He was pissed. He said, "Fuck that fat old Jew."

I interrupted, "Weren't you a Jew?"

"Virgin birth, dipshit. I was part of God, not some big-nosed cult."

Oh, Christ was riled up. Next, he took off after the homos.

"Fucking fags," Christ said. "That shit they do makes me sick."

I asked Him why, if He struck down Ariel Sharon for giving away land, He didn't attack the homosexuals, too.

"I'm working on it," He said, plucking bits of food from between His teeth with a toothpick. "Goddamned scientific advances are fucking with my plans," He added without a trace of irony.

I said, "That makes no sense. You're all-powerful. Why don't you just give all the homosexuals massive strokes?"

He glared.

"Don't fuck with me, asshole, or you'll be clutching your chest in just a second."

"Okay, but you could just--"

He cut me off.

"I'll take care of the fags in my own good time."

I let the homosexual issue drop. But I asked, "How come you let a conservative judge throw out the Dover, Pennsylvania Intelligent Design curriculum?"

"I'm a busy guy," He said, annoyed. "I'll schedule something for that asshat judge someday soon. It's on my calendar."

I told Christ I was surprised at His vindictiveness and general mean-spiritedness. This was not the Christ I studied throughout my years in a Catholic elementary school.

He was inscensed at my observations.

"You're judging me? What the fuck!"

"I'm just telling you what I see."

"I am Jesus Fucking Christ, man! And you're judging me?"

"Look, it's just that--"

"No, you 'look.' I am the man, you got that? The Man! I own it all and I can do as I damn well please. That's my prerogative as Jesus Christ."

"But why the nastiness? What's with giving a guy a massive stroke? Or nailing New Orleans with a huge hurricane? What is up with that, Jesus? The Jesus Christ I studied was a loving God, not a punishing, vengeful, vindictive God."

"You are skating on very thin ice, my friend," Christ intoned. "I've got a nice place here in Heaven and I intend to keep it that way. It's the ultimate gated community. And now that I have everything just the way I like it, I want to keep the riff-raff out. Riff-raff like you. And that fat Jew who gave away the Holy Land. And all the queers. And the filthy Muslims. And the rest of the slime."

"But, hold on a second, there, Jesus. Haven't you and your Father created every living creature? How can you hate the creatures you created?"

"Hey, even we fuck up," He said. "We make these new ones and then they use their free will to pull shit like believing in some other God. We've been contemplating doing away with the whole 'free will' thing. Too goddamned messy."

I asked Him if He was disappointed with wars and murders and violence on Earth, some of it carried out in His very name.

"It is what it is," He said with a seemingly resigned shrug of His shoulders. "Everything hasn't turned out like Dad planned it originally. Hell, I had to be painfully killed, supposedly to make everything right again. Look how that's worked out."

I must say it was a bit depressing to see Christ so... worn out.

When I observed that He seemed a little bitter and that His bitterness may explain the mean-spirited vindictiveness exhibited by Him of late, he reacted with a surprising reflectiveness.

"Yeah, maybe I just need to get away from everything for a while. Take some time off. Clear my head. I got to talk to the Old Man."

With that, He ascended back to Heaven.

I hope He gets His much-needed respite.

Author's note: This is the Jesus Christ of Rev. Pat Robertson, Rev. James Dobson and other preachers of the right.

I worshipped a squirrel: My quest to discover the meaning of life

I feel a deep need to share with you the story of my spiritual journey... from birth to the present. It is the sort of soul-baring, soul-searing experience which I hope may help others who read this while on their own quests for meaning. Please read this and let me know if it has helped you in any way in your own life.

Thank you.

It all started when I was born.  Emerging from my mother's womb into the bright lights of the delivery room was my first religious experience.  Many people have described near-death experiences as heading down a long tunnel toward an intense, white light.

Well, I found that my birth experience was remarkably similar to that typical near-death experience.

You would think that since the experiences were so analagous, I would have had a "near-birth" experience.  But no.  I was actually born.

Anyway...

After emerging into this blinding white light, I immediately began speaking in tongues. My parents and the doctor thought it was simply some unusual baby gibberish, but a Haitian nurse recognized it as an obscure Caribbean/African dialect.  

And what I was saying (translated below) was startling...

"On the Thirteenth Day of the Thirteenth Month in the Thirteenth Year, a ball of flame will descend upon Earth and we will all touch the sun."

The Haitian nurse passed out, realizing the meaning of my words.  (Since that day, no one else has been able to figure out what exactly the words meant.  And the Haitian nurse would never speak about those words again.  In fact, during my time in the infant nursery, she would come in nightly and spinkle chicken blood on my forehead while placing chicken bones in the forms of little crosses around my body.)

As I grew up, I had a fairly normal religious life.  My family was Catholic and I attended Catholic school, having the requisite "attempted fondling" by a parish priest (now bounced from the priesthood).

Surprisingly, one day, at age 13, I was followed home from school by a squirrel.  Realizing that this was a sign from God, I immediately built a little home for this squirrel in my room (unbeknownst to my parents).  I began worshipping the squirrel and developed an entire catechism around my squirrel worship that included rites and ceremonies, including making a little crown for the squirrel from aluminum foil and my sister's bead collection.  

This went on for two years until one day my mother discovered my squirrel god in the back of my closet and called an exterminator to remove the creature.  I was at school that day and came home to find my Lord and Savior being dragged down the front steps with a little noose around his neck by a man with boils and warts on his face (a result of working with the deadly chemicals of extermination, no doubt).

Traumatized?  You bet.

My life of faith bounced around as a result of that experience.  I did not return to squirrel worship... or Catholicism, for that matter.  Instead, I went on a soul-searching journey that included Paganism (worhip of various inert objects, including, in my case, a carved "pirate" coconut head that a friend had picked up at a souvenir shop in Florida), Buddhism, Taoism, Soupism (worship of soup -- I was hooked on split pea with ham), Judaism (some things a guy does in a desperate attempt to get laid, though I later wed a different Jewish woman), Sunism (not a good religion for a lily-white Irish guy with a high risk of developing melanoma), Islam, Hinduism, Rastafarianism (can't remmeber a thing from that one), Sleepism (loved that one -- may revisit it one day), and, finally, Bikism (I ride my bike everywhere, totalling a couple of hundred miles a week).

I'm still on a spiritual quest.  Recently, during summer months, I practice Bell's Oberonism, the worship of Kalamazoo Brewing Company's summer brew, Bell's Oberon Ale.  If you love beer, you'd worship this gem, too.

So my religious experience has spanned the globe, so to speak.

I'm looking forward to my next adopted religion.  Not sure what it'll be, but I'm thinking if things keep going the way they are under the current regime, I may start looking into Gettingthefuckouttahereism.  But, then, I couldn't get Bell's Oberon... though I could still ride a bike everywhere.

I hope this diary spurs some deep thought -- some reflection -- for a few folks here.  I know it did for me.

Thank you for your understanding and interest.  And keep in mind that if you find yourself sailing down a long tunnel toward a bright, white light, you may be experiencing rebirth.

First posted on Daily Kos on April 18, 2005.

EXCLUSIVE! Bush meets Abramoff in Oval Office! Full transcript!

Did Bush know Abramoff? Damn right he did! And here's the proof!

Just had this slid under my door by my top-secret, White House insider contact. A transcript of an Oval Office conversation between President Bush and lobbyist Jack Abramoff said to have taken place on December 11, 2003:

ABRAMOFF: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

BUSH: Well, if it isn't my second favorite Jewboy!

ABRAMOFF: Second favorite?

BUSH: Yeah, you're okay because you're all about money, but you're no Lieberman. That guy loves my ass!

ABRAMOFF: I love your ass, too, Mr. President.

BUSH: You're not a homo, are you, Abramoff?

ABRAMOFF: No. No, I'm not.

BUSH: That's good because homos make me nervous.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: You're a smart guy -- hell, all you Jewboys are smart guys, that's what my old man always told me. He always said, "When you're in trouble, get yourself a smart Jew lawyer."

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: And I was in trouble a lot. All the damn time. I had a whole stable of Jew lawyers.

ABRAMOFF: Sure...

BUSH: So let me ask you something, Abramoff...

ABRAMOFF: Shoot.

BUSH: Do you think Karl has homosexual tendencies?

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir.

BUSH: Not even a clue, a hint?

ABRAMOFF: Karl is married.

BUSH: I think he goes both ways.

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir. Now, about this Mariana Islands deal--

BUSH: I think he does. Cheney, on the other hand, I think the guy is neither.

ABRAMOFF: Neither what, Mr. President?

BUSH: I don't think he's homo or straight. He's a neuter. All he cares about is money. If he could fuck it, he would.

ABRAMOFF: I'm right there with him, sir. That's why I want to speak with you about this Northern Mariana Islands deal. We can't let minimum wage laws app--

BUSH: I like money, too, but I wouldn't fuck it.

ABRAMOFF: Of course not, sir. Now about this deal--

BUSH: I don't think it would even feel good.

ABRAMOFF: No, probably not, sir--

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here?

ABRAMOFF: Excuse me, Mr. President?

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here to ask me this stuff about the Mary Ann Islands? He's always doing this to me.

ABRAMOFF: Mariana Islands, sir. And, no, Karl didn't send me in.

BUSH: Is that the island Gilligan was stuck on?

ABRAMOFF: I don't--

BUSH: Because Mary Ann was on the show and they were stuck on an island and they may have named the island after her.

ABRAMOFF: No, I don't think--

BUSH: Of course, I would have named the island after Ginger. Now, she was hot!

ABRAMOFF: Yes, um, this deal I want to discuss with you involves trying to stop the change in labor laws to the--

BUSH: I should watch a coupla' episodes of Gilligan's Island with Karl and see how he reacts to Ginger.

ABRAMOFF: Great idea, sir. Now, this legislation--

BUSH: Real simple. If he gets more excited when the Professor is on the screen than he does when Ginger is on the screen, then... case closed!

ABRAMOFF: Case closed!

BUSH: I'm like a goddamned Jew lawyer!

ABRAMOFF: You're practically one of us, Mr. President!

BUSH: What?

ABRAMOFF: I said you're practically one of us!

BUSH: My mother would kick your ass if she heard you call me practically a Jew.

ABRAMOFF: I didn't mean anything derogatory by it, Mr. President.

BUSH: Jews and coloreds and spics. She doesn't care for most of `em.

ABRAMOFF: Well, sure, but about--

BUSH: Don't get me wrong, Abramoff. She's not a racist!

ABRAMOFF: No, of course not.

BUSH: She was always real nice to the colored servants when I was growing up.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: She'd get them all a little something at Christmas, like new socks or a hat or something.

ABRAMOFF: What a sweet woman.

BUSH: Listen, good to see you again, Jewboy Number Two! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

ABRAMOFF: Um, is there someone else I can talk to about this Mariana Islands deal, Mr. President?

BUSH: Yeah, talk to whoever is in charge of that.

ABRAMOFF: And who would that be?

BUSH: How the fuck would I know?

ABRAMOFF: I just thought--

BUSH: (SHOUTING) Andy! Get this guy some of that cream cheese and that slimy salmon and a bagel! You Jews like that shit, right?

ABRAMOFF: Actually, I have to be going, Mr. President. Thank you for your time. Can I get a quick picture with you?

BUSH: Sure! Why not? Help me with the Jew vote in `04! Smile!

[END TRANSCRIPT]

I am not dead. I am away.

I will be incommunicado for several days.

Don't try and follow me.

And, no, I have not been renditioned. At least not yet.

Radical measures: Taking action to protect my privacy!

There's so much spying going on that I am now assuming that everything I say, everything I write, everything I do is being surveilled.

Thus, I have undertaken several measures to ensure that I retain at least a modicum of privacy.

First, I'm am speaking with my wife in a coded language that has taken us 20 years to develop and perfect. The code is unbreakable, as we are the only two who can possibly understand it. Here is a sample. See if you can decipher what we are really talking about...

MRS. J: Would you get off the computer and replace that light on the front porch? Why do I have to ask you a dozen times?

ME: Did you say something?

MRS. J: Replace the front porch light! That's thirteen times!

ME: I'm going for a ride now.

MRS. J: How long will you be gone? What about the front porch light?

ME: Well, I'd like to do about 60 miles. So that's probably four hours or so.

MRS J: All you do is blog and ride your damn bike. Meanwhile, I'm doing the laundry, cleaning the house, paying the bills, arranging the girls' social schedules, getting food so we can have a decent dinner, picking up--

ME: Did you say something?

MRS. J: Grsm frk crat jrok crus mmmfffff crap!!!!

ME: Did you say something about the front porch light?

No one, no one can break that code! Yet, in that little snippet, we discussed a number of critical issues in depth, including the fact that Cheney should be on the next rendition flight out of the U.S., bound for a country that enthusiastically endorses and employs torture.

Other measures I have put into place to protect my privacy include creating an ambient noise field in any environment. That may involve leaving water running when I'm in the bathroom or the kitchen, playing music at loud volumes in my office when handling calls, and whistling whenever I don't have running water or music. Of course, this kind of ambient noise-making has irritated a number of my family members, friends and co-workers, though I haven't seen too much evidence of their annoyance except for the fact that someone at work keeps swiping my lunch out of the fridge.

That led to me sending a coworker the following e-mail that is chock-full of letters that seem indecipherable to the average person, but make perfect sense to those who have an official Bob Johnson Decoder Ring®.

See if you can decode this e-mail to my co-worker:

From: Bob Johnson
To: Mike Shaughnessy
Subject: Mvodi jo gsjhf

Eje zpv fbu nz gvdljoh mvodi bhbjo?

Xibu uif gvdl, evef? Zpv cfuufs cvz nf b gvdljoh tboexjdi, bttipmf!

I'll leave it to you cryptographers to break the code. But you can be pretty damn sure that Shaughnessy bought me another goddamned sandwich to replace the one he swiped from the office fridge!

Finally, I am wearing disguises and using different voices when in public. Imagine the following comments uttered by yours truly while using a high, falsetto voice and wearing a blond wig, a black "party dress," fishnet stockings and heels:

"Look, asshole, I know you're a government agent, but I'm not who you think I am. My name is Roberta Johnson and I'm on my way to an appointment with a certain high-ranking administration official, if you catch my drift. And that high ranking official, whose initials are KR, would be very, very unhappy were I to miss our appointment, get it big fella'? Now butt out or I'll have your sorry ass sent to Guantanamo!"

Worked like a charm.

If you respond to this post, please do so in code. And contact me here if you'd like an official Bob Johnson Decoder Ring®.

i spi on bob jonsen fer chainee

i em rex bob jonsens dog rytin. bob hee nevar skrach mi tumee ore gif mee sooshee lyk i wan. so i spi on him fer vyz prezdint chainee. bob roat letur to chainee wit dertee werdz in thair. hee shoot not doo that,

chainee sez hee gif mee sooshee skrach mi tumee an eefin beehyn mi eerz if i spi on bob jonsen. en hee sez i shoot tel himm efreethik bob jonsen doo lyk pik noz sleap at des at werk en eefin sai meen thin abowt chainee or boosh. i poot teenee mykrafoan in bob jonsens awfis.

an misheen maik this to prin fer mee to mail too chainee

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hey, did you feed Rex?
JOHNSON: Damn dog. All he'll eats is sushi. Just pour him a bowl of the dry stuff.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay. Come here, Rex!
REX: [PANTING AND BREATHING]
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You want your belly scratched, don't you, boy?
REX: [PANTING AND BREATHING, TAIL THUMPING RAPIDLY ON FLOOR]
JOHNSON: He won't leave you alone now.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Rex! Rex! Quit humping my leg!
JOHNSON: Rex! Get down! Stop that!
REX: [BARKING, SNARLING]
JOHNSON: Rex. come here. Get under the table! Stay!

bob jonsen iz goin dowwn! i moof to wawshinktin an lif wit chainee! git sooshee efreedai an git tummee skrach an eer skrach! bob jonsen sai las week hee thin chainee iz krimunul. chainee sai gooboy rex!!!!

wawshinktin heer i soon bee!

ask me kweshtin too.

WOOF!!!!

Official National Security Agency (NSA) logs on my calls and e-mails

Item:

Official: Bush authorized spying multiple times

NEW YORK - President Bush has personally authorized a secretive eavesdropping program in the United States more than three dozen times since October 2001, a senior intelligence official said Friday night.

Friends in high places. I have a few. One of them managed to get me the NSA logs of my e-mail and phone conversations dating from early 2002.

A sampling...

First, a phone call from Fall 2002:

October 2, 2002, 6:17 p.m., phone conversation transcript

UNIDENTIFIED PARTY (UP): Hello?

BOB JOHNSON (BJ): Hi, honey, it's me. Craig and Jeff and I are meeting for a beer after work downtown.

UP: What about the bathroom?

BJ: The bath-- Oh shit!

UP: You said you were going to paint the bathroom tonight.

BJ: I'm sorry. I forgot about that.

UP: Great. That's just great.

BJ: I'll do it when I get home.

UP: Yeah, right. At 11:30 after you've had five or six beers.

BJ: I will!

UP: Whatever. [Unintelligible]

BJ: Please don't call me that.

[CLICK - hang up]

This e-mail exchange was from June 14, 2003:

_______________________________________

TO: Julie Schwartz
FROM: Bob Johnson
SUBJECT: Photograph choices

Julie,

While we loved the design and the choice of photographs, the client didn't like the photograph of the older gentleman hang gliding. They said that would scare the elderly audience, many of whom have hard time making it from their comfy chairs to the bathroom.

Can you try something more sedate?

Thanks.
_________________________________________

TO: Bob Johnson
FROM: Julie Schwartz
SUBJECT: re: Photograph choices

So what do you want? Some older person wearing Depends?
_________________________________________

TO: Julie Schwartz
FROM: Bob Johnson
SUBJECT: re: re: Photograph choices

Julie,

Please don't do this to me. Life is hard enough. Just find something a little more relaxing than hang gliding.
_________________________________________

TO: Bob Johnson
FROM: Julie Schwartz
SUBJECT: re: re: re: Photograph choices

Try this.
_________________________________________

TO: Julie Schwartz
FROM: Bob Johnson
SUBJECT: re: re: re: re: Photograph choices

An old man in a coffin is not cool.
_________________________________________

This phone call from early 2004 included a hand-written notation:

Cryptography is running these code numbers through systems attempting to discern the contents of this discussion. Will inform when cryptographic review is complete.

January 11, 2004, 7:18 p.m., phone conversation transcript

UNIDENTIFIED PARTY (UP): Siam Spring.

BOB JOHNSON: I'd like to place an order for delivery.

UP: Hode peace.

[LONG PERIOD OF SILENCE, BJ WHISTLING]

UP: I take order.

BJ: Two number threes, a number seven, a number 39, a number 46, and two number 49s.

UP: Two number three, number seven, number 39, number 36, two number 49.

BJ: Correct.

UP: Address.

BJ: [REDACTED]

UP: Cash or charge.

BJ: Charge, Mastercard [REDACTED], expiration [REDACTED]

UP: Any coupon?

BJ: Free spring rolls.

UP: Okay. Forty-five minute.

BJ: Okay.

[CLICK - hang up]

Finally, this e-mail from last week included the following hand-written notation, scrawled in large letters in red ink:

Who has blown our cover????!!! This is a BIG, BIG problem!!!!!!

_____________________________________________
TO: Bob Johnson
FROM: Lisa
SUBJECT: NSA sex in your area!

How would you like to meet hot women in your area looking for NSA sex? Our new web service links hot, sex-starved women with our members!

Just click here to join:

[REDACTED]
__________________________________________________________

A response to the notation in red reads thusly:

I think in this case, NSA stands for "no strings attached." I think we're okay.

There are more just as exciting revelations from my NSA file. I will publish more later.

Thanks for reading.

Dads can't babysit... but they can breastfeed!

Nope, dads cannot babysit.  At least that's what my wife has told me (many times).  That's because you don't "babysit" your own kids.  You stay home with them while your wife is out gallivanting about with her friends.

Okay, fine. So I can't babysit.  But according to this, Milkmen: Fathers Who Breastfeed, as a dad, I can contribute in a much more substantial way to childrearing!

From the link:

While my (now ex) husband David had no interest in nursing our son, we both were intrigued with the idea. We had just had our first unassisted homebirth and were excited about applying our positive thinking techniques to other aspects of our lives. Although Raphael had written about milk production through nipple stimulation, perhaps, we thought, David could do it simply through suggestion. He began telling himself that he would lactate, and within a week, one of his breasts swelled up and milk began dripping out. When we excitedly showed my father (a physician) David's breast he said, "Obviously there's something physiologically wrong with David." The fact that David had willed himself to do this, did not impress him. We knew, however, that this was yet another example of the power of the mind.

I wonder what drove them apart?  Was it David's unasked borrowing of Laura's nursing bras?  Was it that he ended up looking hotter in that slinky little black number than she did?  Was it because he insisted on showing his lactating breasts to anyone and everyone they met, even at the mall?

The author goes on to cite Dustin Hoffman:

Additional information:

(Updated Jan., 2005)

In the news, 12/23/04: "Meet the Fockers star Dustin Hoffman is celebrating after becoming a first-time grandfather earlier this month - but the good news has led to him developing breastfeeding urges. His daughter Jenna and her husband Seamus welcomed their son Augustus into the world just three weeks ago, and doting granddad Hoffman admits the experience has given him strange desires. He says, 'I have felt almost the tendency to lactate. We don't realize, but when we're formed in the womb, we have milk glands, before we're differentiated between male or female and before God knows whether to make you male of female. When you think about it, why should men have nipples? And yet we do. I didn't think about it until I started to drip!'"

What the hell.  If an old fogey like Dustin Hoffman can lactate, so can I!

So any new dads ready to take over the 2 a.m. feeding?
And, yes, I am currently breastfeeding my three-month-old twins!

NOTE: Okay, so I made up the part about brestfeeding my three-month-old twins. My kids are grown. One is in high school and one is in seventh grade. In fact, if they ever found out I posted anything as weird as this, they'd disown me. So please, keep this diary to yourself.

Thanks.

[Originally posted on Daily Kos on Januray 10, 2005.]

Poker in the Pokey: DeLay, Cunningham, Ney and Frist Plot Their Time in the Federal Pen

A government source handed me this transcript of a wiretapped conversation that took place last week at a local Beltway watering hole favored by Republicans...

CUNNINGHAM: You know, fellas, if we all get sent to the same federal pen, we have one helluva' a bridge game!

DELAY: Bridge? That's for pansy-asses! We're gambling!

FRIST: You can't gamble in a federal incarceration facility, Tom.

DELAY: Just the kind of pansy-ass response I'd expect from you, Doc. No wonder the Democrats kicked your ass in the Senate.

NEY: Yeah, there's nothing that a few greased palms can't fix!

CUNNINGHAM: Idiot. That's what got you in the shit you're in.

NEY: Pot meet kettle, eh, Duke?

CUNNINGHAM: Hey, I took more money than all of you guys combined. You're nickel-and-dimers compared to me. My own yacht, a Rolls Royce--

DELAY: Shut the fuck up, Duke. Just because we aren't stupid enough to flash it around like you, doesn't mean we didn't cash in.

FRIST: Hold on there a minute, Tom. All I did was bail on some family stock before it tanked.

DELAY: Pansy-ass. No drug company money under the table?

FRIST: Oh, sure, maybe a little...

DELAY: Jobs for your old lady and kids or other relatives?

FRIST: Here and there, sure...

NEY: Golf trips to Scotland on Lear jets?

FRIST: No, not that.

NEY: That was fun!

DELAY: You missed out there, Doc!

CUNNINGHAM: I didn't have time to golf. I was too busy buyin' shit.

NEY: You're always bragging, Duke.

CUNNINGHAM: I built a home theater that just kicks fucking ass. Cost one of the defense contractors $67,000 to build this thing out.

DELAY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, when we're all in the slammer, I'm gonna' clean your clock playing five card stud, Dukie. I'll own you by the time we get out.

FRIST: I hope I don't go.

DELAY: You're not gonna' start cryin' now, Doc, are ya'?

FRIST: I don't think I'd last in prison.

NEY: You and Martha Stewart.

CUNNINGHAM: Don't taunt him because he's crying. I cried when I admitted to all this shit.

NEY: Great act, by the way.

CUNNINGHAM: That was no act! I was picturing all this great shit just disappearing... the yacht, the Rolls, the home theater... Christ! No more watching "Die Hard" over and over on the huge screen with the volume blasting.

FRIST: Well, I'm not going!

DELAY: Bullshit, Doc. You're going. I'll own you in the joint, too.

FRIST: No! No! I'm not going! I'm not going!

NEY: These fuckin' Senate guys are such babies...

DELAY: No shit.

CUNNINGHAM: I'll miss my yacht.

DELAY: Shut up about your yacht, Duke. Anyone want to play dollar bill poker?

[BILL BENNETT walks up]

BENNETT: Someone say "poker?" I'm game!

[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]

Dean: 'Joe Lieberman's war on Christmas has been lost'

This just in...

Dean says Lieberman's war on Christmas is 'toast'

WASHINGTON (Rooters) - In an effort to unite three key "hot topic" issues currently embroiling politics and the Democratic Party, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean today declared that, "Joe Lieberman's war on Christmas has been lost."

Dean made the comments during an interview on a local radio show. Later, a DNC spokesperson said that Dean's statements were an attempt to "bring together the pertinent political issues of the day into one, big, offensive statement."

In the interview with radio host Bill Methis, Dean noted that Lieberman admitted that he had never had a Christmas tree. Dean said Lieberman, "even refuses to hang stockings from hooks attached to his fireplace mantle. That's just un-American."

When pressed by Methis, Dean said Lieberman had long waged war on Christmas "more by what he doesn't say and do, than by his actual words or actions."

"It's kind of sneaky, when you think about it," Dean said.

When Methis pointed out that Lieberman was an Orthodox Jew, and, thus, unlikely to celebrate Christmas, Dean replied, "Sure, but he's never even had a Nativity scene in his office around the holidays."

Methis could then be heard banging his head against his microphone.

Dean finished by saying, "Lieberman's war on Christmas is toast. Baby Jesus wins."

When reached for comment, Lieberman would only say, "I don't quite understand all this."

Dean said later in the day that he was "just trying to throw all the current crap into one big bowl so Republicans won't know who to shoot at."

"Do they shoot at Lieberman because he's anti-Christmas," Dean asked, "or do they praise him because he backs their position on the war? And what do they do about me? I sound like I'm backing O'Reilly's inane 'War on Christmas' nonsense."

Dean then laughed so hard that his eyes teared up, his body shook, and he gasped for breath.

Hillary Clinton to quit Senate

Item:

Sen. Clinton co-sponsors anti-flag burning law

WASHINGTON (AP) _ Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is supporting new legislation to criminalize desecration of the United States flag _ though she still opposes a constitutional ban on flag attacks.

Clinton, D-N.Y., has agreed to co-sponsor a measure by Republican Sen. Bob Bennett of Utah, which has been written in hopes of surviving any constitutional challenge following a 2003 Supreme Court ruling on the subject.

There has been speculation that Senator Clinton co-sponsored this legislation to burnish her centrist/moderate credentials for conservative southern, midwestern and western voters ahead of an `08 presidential run. I, for one, didn't believe that explanation, instead, viewing Clinton's co-sponsorship of this measure as a reasonable expression of a patriotic Senator.

But then I read this...

Sen. Clinton opts out of Senate race to become NASCAR driver, elk hunter, bass fisherwoman

WASHINGTON (Rooters) _ Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton today stunned her Senate colleagues and New York voters by announcing that she will not continue her quest for a second term as New York's junior senator.

Appearing at a Capitol Hill press conference in a NASCAR cap memorializing the #3 of the late stock car driver, Dale Earnhardt, and sporting a satin jacket adorned with the logos of the Penske Racing Team and its myriad of sponsors, Clinton said she was quitting the Senate to pursue her "long held dream of becoming a stock car racer."

"I've always been in love with the smell of the pits, the roar of the engines, the flat-out, white-knuckle speed of stock car racing," Clinton said, in announcing the withdrawal of her candidacy for a second term. "This has been a secret passion of mine for many, many years, as have elk hunting and bass fishing."

Her Senate colleague from New York, Charles Schumer, was baffled by her announcement.

"It must have been a double secret passion," Schumer said. "I've been around Hillary quite a bit over the past six years and I can't recall her ever mentioning NASCAR or stock car racing. Nevermind bass fishing or elk hunting."

Former President Bill Clinton noted that his wife harbors a number of secret of passions which might surprise voters.

"She's always got a chaw in her mouth when we're working around the house," the former president said. "I have to practically follow her around with a spitoon."

In response to questions from reporters, Senator Clinton denied that her decision to quit the Senate to drive stock cars was part of a political strategy designed to knock down her image as a liberal while attracting conservative voters in southern, midwestern and western states.

"Absolutely not," Clinton said, adamantly, in repsonse to one question, while donning a pair of mirrored sunglasses. "I love hunting and fishing and stock car racing. I can't wait to gut an elk, filet a bass and put the pedal to the metal. Oh, and I love Jesus, too."

At that, Clinton began singing a gospel song, clapping her hands, waving them over her head while swaying back and forth, and asking press corp members and others in attendance join in.

A spokesman for the Penske Racing Team said that Clinton would be an integral part of their plans for the 2006 season.

"We've run her through our usual battery of tests and she shows good reactions and a nice sense of the road," said Travis Bickle, Director of Media Relations for Penske. "She's got a ways to go to learn the ins and outs of stock car racing, and I imagine that a few of the boys will have some fun with her out on the race track, but we think she's the real deal. And she brings a ton of publicity to the team and the sport. That's all good."

Former Clinton presidential political advisor, James Carville, called Clinton's move "brilliant politics."

Said Carville, "Look, a sitting senator generally gets his or her rear end kicked in a presidential race, anyway. So this move takes her out of that Beltway sphere and puts her right into the mix where she needs to be. To tell you the truth, if I was Bill Clinton, I'd be a little careful around her when she had a rifle in her hands."

Are Hillary in `08 bumperstickers against a confederate flag backdrop far behind?

2008 Dem Hopefuls Spar in Secret Forum

The first debate for the 2008 Democratic presidential aspirants was held at an undisclosed location this week as the first event of Howard Dean's new DNC Candidate Training Ground (DNC-CTG) program.

What follows is a partial transcript of the event, moderated by former CBS news anchor, Dan Rather:

RATHER: Welcome, all, to the--

H. CLINTON: I'll fight you, Dan Rather!

RATHER: What?  What did you--

H. CLINTON:  I'll fight you!  I'll take on you and the rest of the terrorists, single-handedly if I have to, to protect the American people!

RATHER: Um...

J. BIDEN:  Look Hillary, I like you.  I think you're a super, super gal, but --  OUCH!  Goddamn it!

H. CLINTON:  I'll bite you again, Biden!  And I'll bite the Syrians, the Iranians, the Saudis, the Kuwaitis, the Yemenis, the--

[THUD]

B. RICHARDSON: Sorry for slugging her...

RATHER:  You pack a West Texas wallop.  Continue, Governor Richardson.

B. RICHARDSON: Where are the donuts?

J. KERRY: When I was in Vietnam, we didn't have donuts.  We ate rations out of tin cans and made armor for our boats out of the cans when we were done eating.  It was a laborious process.  First, you had to cut the can with a--

RATHER: Thank you, Senator Kerry.  We'll come back to you.  Senator Bayh--

E. BAYH: Family.  It's all about family.  Not the homos.  And marriage.  That's big, too.

RATHER: Okay...  Anything else to add, Senator Bayh?

E. BAYH: The homos.

RATHER:  Uh... great.  Moving on...

J. BIDEN: That bitch drew blood!  I'll have to get a tetanus shot.

M. WARNER: Down South, we call that a "love bite."

J. EDWARDS: No we don't, Mark!  You're thinkin' of a hickey!

M. WARNER:  Oh, maybe you're right...

RATHER: Senator Edwards...

J. EDWARDS: There are two Americas--

E. BAYH:  Oh!  I know!  I know!  North America and South America!

J. EDWARDS:  Great.  The second coming of Dan Quayle...

RATHER: General Clark, you've been quiet.

W. CLARK: I can't decide if I'm going to run.  I'm waiting by the phone for a call from Bill Clinton.

RATHER: Uh, former president Clinton already has a dog in this fight, General Clark.

W. CLARK: But I figure he might hedge his bets.  His dog has rabies.

J. LIEBERMAN: Hey!  Sorry I'm late!  I was out in the parking lot wrestling Al Gore to the pavement!

J. BIDEN: You wrestled Al Gore to the pavement?!

J. LIEBERMAN: After I ran him over with my Hummer.  When he tried to get up after he crawled out from underneath the vehicle, I clocked him a good one.  From behind.

E. BAYH: Gore is a homo.  He has a lisp.

H. CLINTON: I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A TERRORIST!  I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A TERRORIST!  I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A--

[THUD]

B. RICHARDSON: Sorry about sluggin' her again. Hey, I was drafted by the Kansas City Athletics.

RATHER: Not true, Governor Richardson, now--

B. RICHARDSON: I CANNOT THINK CLEARLY WITHOUT DONUTS!

RATHER: I'll tell Dean to order some more.

E. BAYH: Dean's a homo.

J. BIDEN: Now, I like you, Evan.  You're a good guy, but--

[THUD]

B. RICHARDSON: Sorry about that, everyone.  I get cranky without donuts.  Biden will be fine...

J. KERRY: When I was in Vietnam, I--  Holy shit!  Lieberman!  You can't drive your Hummer inside the debate facility!

J. LIEBERMAN: SCREW ALL OF YOU!  I'M THE MOST QUALIFIED MAN TO BE PRESIDENT!  I WAS A VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!  AND I'M BIPARTISAN!!!

RATHER: He's drivin' like a bat outta' hell on a one-way ticket punched to nowheresville...

[CRASH]

[SILENCE]

J. LIEBERMAN: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  I got them all!  I got them-- AGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

H. CLINTON: I'll bite your other ear off, too, Lieberman!

R. FEINGOLD: What the-- I'm glad I got here late! I love the Van Gogh look, Joe!

[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]

[Edited from a post which originally appeared on Daily Kos on March 2, 2005.]

Bush speech shocker!

My highly-placed White House source just sent me an advance copy of President Bush's speech to the Naval Academy scheduled for later today. I post it without editorial comment:

As many of you know, a number of years ago after a long period of wild times, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior.

Well, Jesus came to me last night as I lay in bed at 8:15 in the pitch dark. Laura wasn't in bed yet. She was watching some reality TV show. (Those shows are not for me. I don't like reality.) Anyway, Jesus appeared at the foot of my bed and scared the bejeezus out of me.

He said, "George, you've been lied to by evil people."

I said, "I have, Jesus? Which people?"

Jesus replied, "Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Wolfowitz, Feith, Rove, Card, Hughes, Harriet Myers... Hell, the list is too long for me to repeat here."

I was stunned. "Really, Jesus? Even Harriet? They all lied to me?"

"Yes. They've told you you're smart."

"Oh," I thought, "Here it comes again."

See, folks, my whole life people have been telling me I'm an idiot. A dunderhead. A ninny. A lamebrain. My mom and dad told me that just about every day of my life -- until I was elected Governor of Texas. Then they and the rest of these folks all told me I was a real smart guy. One of the smartest guys they ever met.

And here was Jesus telling me it was all a lie.

"You really are an idiot, George. And these people have been playing you for the fool."

I didn't know what to think. Now, I may not be that smart, but I knew I had Jesus at the foot of my bed, so I asked, "What should I do about these people, Jesus?"

"Get rid of them all and hire me as your sole (and your soul -- that's s-o-u-l) advisor."

Jesus wanted an exclusive contract. He wanted to be my Chief of Staff and entire Cabinet.

Who would turn down Jesus?

So I am announcing here today that, effective immediately, the entire White House staff and every department head and even the Vice President has been fired and replaced by Jesus.

Pending Senate approval, of course.

But who's gonna' vote against Jesus?

Maybe I'm not so dumb after all!

A letter I actually sent to Dick Cheney

I'm sure many of you will recall the day that Dr. Ben Marble, a Hurricane Katrina survivor from Gulfport, Mississippi, had an interesting encounter with Vice President Dick Cheney live on CNN (courtesy of Crooks and Liars). Dr. Marble had lost his home and everything he owned in the hurricane, and was a bit miffed at the incompetent and feeble response from FEMA and the Bush administration.

So when the doctor came across Cheney holding court with the press on his street one afternoon, Dr. Marble turned Cheney's insult to Senator Patrick Leahy back on the Vice President, telling Mr. Cheney to "Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, asshole."

Frankly, I was shocked that a fellow American citizen would make such a statement to a sitting Vice President. So I immediately dashed off this note of support to our esteemed VP, Dick Cheney:

Dear Vice President Cheney,

I saw the story on CNN where a man yelled "Go fuck yourself!" at you twice while you were discussing hurricane cleanup.

I am shocked and appalled that any true American would tell a sitting Vice President to "Go fuck yourself."

That shocks me. Why would any self-respecting American tell you to "Go fuck yourself?" You, a sitting Vice President?

Frankly, I'm disgusted that anyone would tell you to "Go fuck yourself." Who would use language like that?

I hope my kids don't see that clip played endlessly on the news. I don't want them thinking that they can walk around telling a sitting Vice President, "Go fuck yourself!"

That's not how I want to raise my children.

"Go fuck yourself," indeed!

I'm glad you don't use language like that, Mr. Vice President.

Is telling you, our sitting Vice President, to "Go fuck yourself," an illegal action of any kind? Perhaps you could press charges on the man who told you to "Go fuck yourself."

If I were you, I'd consider it. There is just no place in our society for a person who would tell our Vice President (second only to the President of the United States!) to "Go fuck yourself."

Thank you for your time and your professionalism, Mr. Vice President. I am glad you didn't respond with a "Go fuck yourself" of your own.

I still can't get over the fact that one of my fellow Americans told you to "Go fuck yourself" on live television.

I'm in a state of shock.

Not telling you to "Go fuck yourself," your friend,

-- Bob Johnson

Miraculously, I have not ended up in Guantanamo and been designated an "enemy combatant"... yet.

Wish me continued good luck.

I Miss Joe Lieberman's Money

Item #1 (courtesy of Atrios):

Time magazine Baghdad bureau chief Michael Ware on Morning Sedition this morning:

I and some other journalists had lunch with Senator Joe Lieberman the other day and we listened to him talking about Iraq. Either Senator Lieberman is so divorced from reality that he's completely lost the plot or he knows he's spinning a line. Because one of my colleagues turned to me in the middle of this lunch and said he's not talking about any country I've ever been to and yet he was talking about Iraq, the very country where we were sitting.

Item #2 Lieberman's piece in today's Wall Street Journal titled, "Our Troops Must Stay" (subscription only):

I have just returned from my fourth trip to Iraq in the past 17 months and can report real progress there. More work needs to be done, of course, but the Iraqi people are in reach of a watershed transformation from the primitive, killing tyranny of Saddam to modern, self-governing, self-securing nationhood--unless the great American military that has given them and us this unexpected opportunity is prematurely withdrawn.

Progress is visible and practical.

Joe goes on from there, cheerleading Bush and the war, ignoring the realities of:
-- death squads roaming Iraq (trained and equipped by U.S. contractors -- see post, below),
-- a lack of water and electricity in most parts of the country, and
-- surging violence, both against our troops and against Iraqis by Iraqis.

Alas, Joe was but a blip on the Democratic primary screen back in heady days of the campaign in 2004. But his rah-rah support for the war today brings to mind one of my all-time favorite posts I ever put up at Daily Kos.

It was this gem (originally posted January 14, 2005) that I repost here, in full:


I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE

I was paid to bash Joe Lieberman.

Joe's campaign paid me in unmarked bills, ten bucks a bash. Each ten bucks would come with a little, hand-written thank you note from Joe. I've saved them all.

The strategy was designed to create a backlash sympathy vote for Joe by constantly tearing him to shreds in the blogosphere.

In retrospect, it was a bad strategy. The backlash sympathy vote never materialized.

Still, it was a rewarding experience to be part of a major presidential campaign. Let me give you a few of the details...

After Joe appeared on Meet the Press back in September of 2003, I ripped him here for saying George Bush was a "strong, moral leader." Joe sent me this note:

Bob,

Thanks for the new asshole! Ouch! With a few more posts like that, I'll be the runaway winner in New Hampshire! Did I look okay? I was trying something new with my hair. A little different comb-over thingy. Thanks again! The tide is starting to turn and people are feeling more and more sorry for me with each passing day!

--- Your friend, Joe Lieberman

A few weeks later, I tore him to shreds here for his repeated use of his lame, new catchphrase, "I've got Joementum!" Joe sent me this missive:

Hi Bob!

Great job today! I almost believed you really DO hate "Joementum" given the amount of bile spewed forth in your post on Daily Kos. Fantastic stuff! Did I sound okay at that press conference? I'm trying something new with my voice... not so whiny and nasally. Did I sound more macho? I dropped the register an octave with the help of a voice coach. Keep up the good work. I heard someone in a crowd say to the person next to them today, "That poor Lieberman. He really thinks he's gonna' be President." Your work is having the desired effect! Sympathy is on the march and it's coming my way!

-- Your buddy in Joementum, Joe Lieberman

I continued my work even when polls showed that Joe was actually losing ground rather than gaining sympathy votes. After a Sunday morning appearance on Fox where Joe claimed that George Bush was actually "a god sent here from another universe to save us," I wrote a diary calling Joe an "unparalleled, ass-licking jackass." Joe sent me this touching note:

My good friend Bob,

You are truly creative! I do hope you understand that I have never actually licked George Bush's rectum! (Kidding!) You delivered those lines today so convincingly, that the untrained eye would have thought you really believed them! Good stuff! I feel the tide flowing our way, Bob. Joementum has caught on. I saw a woman today in Derry wearing a t-shirt that said "Dale Earnhardt had Joementum." That's something, isn't it? It's catching on.

Did you see any footage of my speech at the high school there? I was wearing elevator shoes to give me a more commanding presence. Did I look more imposing? We're going to take this thing, Bob.

Today when I said that George Bush would personally gut Saddam Hussein and roast him on a spit over an open fire, I received a huge cheer from all six people in the gym. Someone later told me only four of them cheered, but I could tell the other two felt sorry for me. The sympathy strategy is working! Keep up the good work! And enjoy the ten dollars!

-- Your future President, Joe Lieberman

There were more, of course. Many more. All told, I made $950 off my Lieberman-bashing campaign.

I continue bashing Joe to this day, even though I haven't received a personal note from Joe with a sawbuck paperclipped to it in months. I'm not sure, but I may be off the payroll.

Still, I feel a certain kinship with Joe. I only hope that someday, somehow, my Joe bashing pays off in a groundswell of backlash sympathy for one of my personal heroes.

And, hey, I'm glad I got this all out in the open. I guess there is some good to come of this kos story.

Thanks for listening. I hope you can forgive me.

Your friend,

Bob Johnson

We're not training an army in Iraq. We're training death squads.

[Not satire. Just the cold, hard truth from the ground in Iraq. Originally posted at Daily Kos.]

There are so many problems with the Iraqi military troop situation that any belief that we can somehow rely on growing Iraqi troop strength to draw down our own forces is either:

A. a self-induced, delusional fantasy for those choosing to believe it (hello Joe Biden. Hillary Clinton, Wes Clark, Evan Bayh and Mark Warner -- supposed `08 hopefuls, all), or

B. a deliberate attempt to concoct a reason to withdraw U.S. forces based on a lie.

Yet George Bush is scheduled to make a speech in Annapolis on Wednesday touting the readiness of Iraqi forces, supposedly as a prelude to announcing an administration exit timetable:

U.S. Starts Laying Groundwork for Significant Troop Pullout From Iraq

President Bush will give a major speech Wednesday at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Md., in which aides say he is expected to herald the improved readiness of Iraqi troops, which he has identified as the key condition for pulling out U.S. forces.

A number of articles are coming out today highlighting the realities on the ground in Iraq.  And the realities are not pretty.  The civil war is in full swing, and the U.S. is essentially training and arming death squads.

John Negroponte must be smiling from ear-to-ear...

First, this piece from the front page of The New York Times by Dexter Filkins:

Sunnis Accuse Iraqi Military of Kidnappings and Slayings

BAGHDAD, Iraq, Nov. 28 - As the American military pushes the largely Shiite Iraqi security services into a larger role in combating the insurgency, evidence has begun to mount suggesting that the Iraqi forces are carrying out executions in predominantly Sunni neighborhoods.

Hundreds of accounts of killings and abductions have emerged in recent weeks, most of them brought forward by Sunni civilians, who claim that their relatives have been taken away by Iraqi men in uniform without warrant or explanation.

Some Sunni men have been found dead in ditches and fields, with bullet holes in their temples, acid burns on their skin, and holes in their bodies apparently made by electric drills. Many have simply vanished.

Some of the young men have turned up alive in prison. In a secret bunker discovered earlier this month in an Interior Ministry building in Baghdad, American and Iraqi officials acknowledged that some of the mostly Sunni inmates appeared to have been tortured.

...

Many of the claims of killings and abductions have been substantiated by at least one human rights organization working here - which asked not to be identified because of safety concerns - and documented by Sunni leaders working in their communities.

American officials, who are overseeing the training of the Iraqi Army and the police, acknowledge that police officers and Iraqi soldiers, and the militias with which they are associated, may indeed be carrying out killings and abductions in Sunni communities, without direct American knowledge.

The article goes on to outline specific cases and similarities among the reports, suggesting that there does, indeed, appear to be a pattern of religious killings taking place.

Solomon Moore has a similar piece in the Los Angeles Times, here posted via the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

Death squads don Iraqi uniforms

The infiltration of Iraq's police force by Shiite militia is confirmed by an Interior Ministry official.

BAGHDAD - Shiite Muslim militia members have infiltrated Iraq's police force and are carrying out sectarian killings under the color of law, according to documents and scores of interviews.

The abuses raise the specter of organized retaliation against Sunni-led insurgents who have killed thousands of Shiites, who endured decades of subjugation under Saddam Hussein.

The abuses also undermine the U.S. effort to stabilize the nation and to train Iraq's security forces -- the Bush administration's prerequisites for a U.S. troop withdrawal.

The story goes on in much the same vein as The Times story, detailing documented cases of death squads pulling Sunni men from their homes and leaving their bodies in ditches.

But these raids don't always result in immediate death.  Sometimes, torture is preferred:

Abuse of prisoners in Iraq widespread, officials say

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Iraqi authorities have been torturing and abusing prisoners in jails across the country, current and former Iraqi officials charged.

Deputy Human Rights Minister Aida Ussayran and Gen. Muntadhar Muhi al-Samaraee, a former head of special forces at the Ministry of the Interior, made the allegations two weeks after 169 men who apparently had been tortured were discovered in a south-central Baghdad building run by the Interior Ministry. The men reportedly had been beaten with leather belts and steel rods, crammed into tiny rooms with tens of others and forced to sit in their own excrement.

A senior American military official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the subject, said he suspected that the abuse wasn't isolated to the jail the U.S. military discovered.

Ussayran said abuse was taking place across the country.

In five visits to a women's prison in Baghdad's Kadhimiya district over more than three months, the Human Rights Ministry found that women were being raped by male guards, Ussayran said. That problem continues.

All of these reports support the comments retired Lt. General William Odom made last week on the NewsHour regarding what he had been hearing from commanders and trainers on the ground in Iraq:

LT. GEN. WILLIAM ODOM (Ret.): It is an illusion to think you could leave a stable military there. What you are leaving is a more competent set of militias, which we are training under the illusion that they are the Iraqi security force and police are essentially a front for militias putting their forces in there.

...

Bernie (retired Lt. General Bernard Trainor), I know you have been talking to some of the people out there, lots of the trainers at the tactical level know that we're not going to train a security force up; they know these people are more loyal to militias than they are to any Iraqi regime. That is a fact that staying three more years won't change.

Rep. Jack Murtha echoed Odom's statements on what he was hearing from commanders and trainers on the ground.  The Iraqi forces could not be trusted because they owed allegiance to their militias, not the government.

What Democrats need to do now is unite and, as one, demand open accountability from this administration on the real state of the Iraqi military.  And they should recruit the  Republicans who have been skeptical and critical of the administration's handling of this war (McCain, Hagel and others) to back up demands for an open assessment of Iraqi troop readiness.

This needs to happen ASAP, before Bush's Wednesday speech!  So contact your congressional rep and your senators and demand an open and honest assessment of Iraqi troop readiness.

I want the troops out of there as much as the next person, but I refuse to allow Bush to perpetuate yet another lie in order to cover up his own, sorry-ass incompetencies and failures.

Pharmacists refusing to fill prescriptions just the tip of the iceberg

[This post originally appeared on Daily Kos on April 25, 2005.]

As an indication of just how out of hand this pharmacist-style objectionism is sure to get, take a look at my weekend...

Friday night, we took our daughters down to the local ice cream parlor for a treat. Imagine our suprise when, as we sat at a booth enjoying our ice cream, an overweight couple came in, approached the counter, asked for two double-scoop waffle cones with fudge ripple ice cream -- and were promptly turned down by the two servers behind the counter on the grounds that, "We won't serve double scoops of ice cream to obese people. You can have single scoops only."

Needless to say, we were stunned.

When a number of folks (including the couple) suggested that it was not the servers' place to say who can and cannot order a double scoop of ice cream, the employees said it was the policy of the shop owner not to offer two-scoop cones to overweight customers and there was nothing they could do about it.

An argument ensued and we rushed out as the aggrieved male patron amazingly launched all 300+ pounds of himself over the counter to take on the two employees in a massive ice cream-flinging battle.

On the drive home, I decided to stop for gas. A man was filling a Hummer H-1 on the other side of the pump. Suddenly, the man became perplexed and agitated. He started mumbling, "This fucking pump quit. This fucking pump quit." He started banging on the pump with his fists and kicking the metal base. A voice came over the speaker system:

"Sir, you have maxed out on the amount of gas we'll sell you."

The man was enraged, shaking his fist at the employee visible inside the adjacent convenience store.

"What the fuck do you mean I've maxed out? I need another 30 gallons!"

The voice came back, "The manager here limits each purchase to 20 gallons, tops. We have plenty of customers. And we believe you should be driving a more fuel efficient vehicle, sir."

The guy went crazy. He jumped in his Hummer, slammed the door shut, and drove off, tearing the filler hose off the pump and leaving the pump head dangling from his gas tank.

We were all a bit freaked out, so we stopped by the video store to grab a DVD to watch for the evening. Our girls (ages 13 and 14) decided they wanted to see "Garden State." Their friends had seen it and liked it and we had seen it and thought it was fine. So we grabbed a copy and went up to the counter.

The woman behind the counter said, "Great film."

We nodded our heads in agreement.

Then she said, "How old are you girls?"

Our daughters replied with their ages.

The woman asked, "Are you going to watch this movie?"

They nodded, "Yes."

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that. I don't think this film is appropriate for kids your age."

I said, "Are you kidding?"

"No. This is not appropriate. It's R for language, drug use and a scene of sexuality."

"My wife and I have seen it and we think it's fine. These girls are mature."

"Sorry, sir," she said, "but the owner lets us decide what is appropriate for our customers and I deem this film inappropiate for your children."

As is my wont, I told the clerk, "Go fuck yourself," and we left.

Well, needless to say, it was quite a night. We ended up just reading at home.

And I wasn't surprised on Saturday morning when I went to the local greenhouse/garden center to buy our annual plantings and was told by a worker there, "Well, I would sell you those marigolds, but I can tell you don't have a green thumb. We take great care and great pride in where we send our plants to live. So I'm afraid I can't sell them to you."

I was supposed to pick up my wife's birth control pills on the way home... but I didn't want to press my luck.

EXCLUSIVE: September 21, 2001 PDB w/ Cheney mark-up

A highly reliable, confidential source has slipped me an excerpted copy of the Presidential Daily Briefing (PDB) from September 21, 2001 -- as it appeared after Vice President Cheney edited it, and prior to it being presented to the President. This is the briefing which was withheld by the White House from the Senate committee investigating the use of pre-war intelligence. Cheney's notes and marks are included here for your perusal.

In particular, I was given the portion of the PDB pertaining to the CIA's attempts to uncover links between Saddam Hussein/Iraq, and the 9-11 perpetrators and al Qaeda.

It is clear from Cheney's notes that the PDB was to be "cleaned up" in accordance with his mark-up prior to presentation to the President. As such, it is unlikely that the President ever saw the PDB in it's original form.

[NOTE: All of Cheney's handwritten notes will appear in bold italic underline. All strikethrougths by the Vice President are as noted.]

Presidential Daily Briefing
September 21, 2001

CIA Report: No Iraq/Saddam links to 9-11 suspects/al Qaeda Retitle as follows... CIA Report: Definite links between 9-11 terrorists/al Qaeda, and Saddam Hussein and Iraq

After a thorough review of all relevant intelligence sources, including our own agents, available foreign service intelligence, worldwide listening posts, electronic eavesdropping, satellite reconnaissance, and an exhaustive compendium of historical intelligence dating to 1985, we conclude that there was absolutely no a deep, ongoing and abiding connection between the government of Saddam Hussein and 9-11 terrorists (led by Mohammed Atta) and the al Qaeda terrorist organization.

Reports of a meeting between 9-11 plot leader, Mohammed Atta, and Iraqi intelligence sources in an Eastern European capitol have proven to be unfounded true. Evidence points to not only a meeting, but, in fact, a dinner at an expensive French restaurant with the tab being charged to the personal MasterCard of Saddam Hussein.

Also, the claim that Iraqi military and chemical and biological weapons experts were training al Qaeda operatives in the use of these weapons is unsupported by intelligence. a well documented fact, supported by reams of evidence including the stated intention of these combined Iraqi/al Qaeda forces to set off a "mushroom cloud" in the United States. In fact, Saddam Hussein's secular government both fears and loathes al Qaeda, and his secret police and military have actively sought out and killed al Qaeda operatives who have ventured into Iraq. Iraqi weapons experts and al Qaeda trainees meet Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings at the Iraqi military facility in Tikrit. They start with a light breakfast including some delicious Iraqi pastries and some some dark, Middle Eastern-style coffee before moving on to bomb-making classes in a sophisticated weapons facility disguised as an abandonded Wal-Mart.

In addition, no information connecting any Iraqi officials -- including Saddam Hussein -- with the attacks of 9-11 was found. There is no evidence of communication between any of the suspected 9-11 terrorists and Iraqi officials, and no evidence of communication between al Qaeda and Iraqi officials. Saddam Hussein placed a personal phone call to Mohammed Atta's cell phone just hours before Atta's plane took off from Boston. The two discussed the Red Sox chances in the playoffs as well as what color socks and belt would be most inconspicuous for Atta's terrorist crew to wear on their flights. Hussein's final words to Atta were, "Who's your Saddy?" to which Atta replied, "Saddam Hussein is my Saddy!"

In conclusion, we find absolutely no shitloads of evidence of a connection between Iraq, Saddam Hussein and Iraqi military and weapons experts, and the 9-11 hijackers, al Qaeda and/or al Qaeda operatives.


VP NOTE: Fix this as per my notes, Tenet. Don't worry about Numbnuts. He believes whatever I tell him to believe. And he's so fucking lazy, you can be sure he will not have read any reports, and, thus, isn't likely to ask any questions. If Powell says anything at all, tell him you heard his kid is in danger of losing the FCC gig. I'll handle Rumsfeld and Rice. She's been instructed to play "mommy" for Numbnuts in case he gets all nervous and bed-wetty about the war thing.

And please don't send me any more of this crap that doesn't back up our Iraq efforts, Tenet. What the fuck is wrong with you? Get yourself some fiction writers over there in Langley. Must be thousands of the bastards available for freelance work. I'm getting pretty goddamned tired of having to rewrite your reports. Am I making myself clear?

-- Dick Cheney

I am sure there is more to this story. I will update this piece and/or write additional pieces should my confidential source provide further information.

Please be aware that I may be violating federal statutes by publishing this material. I may return to request donations to my personal defense fund.

Thanks for reading.

Iraqis Call for Withdrawal Timetable; Cheney Threatens Torture

Item:

Iraqi Leaders Urge a Timetable for Eventual Troop Withdrawal

Nov. 21 (Bloomberg) -- Iraqi leaders, meeting at a reconciliation conference in Cairo, urged an end to violence in the country and demanded a timetable for the withdrawal of coalition troops from Iraq.

Cheney responded to this latest outrage almost immediately:

LIMA, OHIO (Rooters) -- Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to Iraqi leadership calls for a withdrawal timetable for coalition forces from Iraq, today claimed the Iraqi request "is yet another attempt by the enemies of freedom to undermine our troops."

Appearing before the small group of Americans who, for some inexplicable reason, still like him, the Vice President chided the Iraqi leadership, calling them "dishonest and reprehensible."

The crowd of 13 hand-picked citizens roared its approval.

"They are aligning themselves with the likes of the Democrat coward, Jack Murtha, who stands with the terrorists," Cheney continued. "These people will stop at nothing to undermine American resolve."

Cheney called for all those demanding withdrawal timelines to be tortured "within an inch of their lives."

"We will not behead them," Cheney noted, "because we are a civilized people. However, we reserve the right to yank out their fingernails, one at a time, with a needlenose pliers and attach highly-charged electrodes to their genitalia."

The small group in attendance rose to its feet, chanting, "Death to the infidels!"

Cheney interrupted the chanting to add, "I have three words for the cowardly traitors in the Iraqi leadership and in the Democratic Party here at home who want to us to cut and run from our mission of bringing democracy and freedom to the people of Iraq. And those three words are, 'Go fuck yourselves!'"

The 13 people began chanting in unison, "Go fuck yourselves!"

Cheney then stalked from the podium, refusing to take reporters' questions.

[Credit to Doc Allen at Daily Kos for the "Go fuck yourself" addendum.]

updait! this iz not bob jonsen riting

[NOTE from Bob Johnson: My dog, Rex, posted this to Daily Kos on March 14, 2005. It was the first known blog post by Rex.]

helo my naim is rex an i am bob jonsens dog. bob is not hoam so i am uzink tha cumpyuter to tipe heer.

u shood no that bob duz not scrach my stumick wen i wont him to. an wen i wont him to scrach beehine my eers he wil not do it awl the time. he taiks me for wawks but maik me stop wen i chais skwerls.

allso he gifs me dri dog food. i hait dry dog food. an if u wur a dog u wood to. i wont bereetos. an i lyk sooshee to.

if u lyk dogs pleez tel bob to gif me sooshee.

ask me a kweshtin too.

-- rex

updait! dis iz my las pos! evur! peepul keep pootink picshers uf stoopit catz on my pos! i am uhlerjic to catz an u r maikin me snees! woof! woff! woof! gooby!

Welcome to Satiric Mutt

To folks who know me from Daily Kos, this is simply a place where I will archive my stuff. Welcome.

From time to time, Rex may post here. His posts will likely be put up late at night. I have never caught him blogging (I'm still curious how he types with paws), but he does post -- somehow.

Leave a comment if you are so inclined. And if you have a message for Rex, you can leave it here.

CLASSIFIED: Minutes of 6/10/03 National Security Council Meeting

At great risk to my own freedom (as well as the freedom of the source who provided me these materials), I am posting a transcript of the National Security Council (NSC) meeting from June 10, 2003.

In the meeting, the particpants discuss exposing Valerie Plame's name to various media sources. Included in the meeting:

• George Bush
  
  
• Dick Cheney
  
  
• Donald Rumsfeld
  
  
• Condoleeza Rice
  
  
• Stephen Hadley
  
  
• Karl Rove

If I stop posting for more than a day, you will know that I have been hauled in for questioning. If I cease posting for more than a week, you will know that I've been dragged down to Guantanamo. And if I never post here again, you will know that I was renditioned to Uzbekistan where I had my sense of humor forcibly removed using only a set of needlenose pliers and a curling iron.

Read on for the full transcript...

CLASSIFIED: Transcript of 6/10/03 National Security Council meeting

HADLEY: So who gets to tell old Banlon Bob about Wilson's covert old lady?

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

[LAUGHTER]

RICE: No, I won't take him to dinner and seduce him, Dick.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

HADLEY: Why you? I would LOVE to tell him!

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

ROVE: Agreed, the bastard will do anything to get an exclusive for his next book, but you're the Vice President and we have to keep you in the clear. And, besides, the way you mumble, he might think her name is 'Flame' and not 'Plame'.

[LAUGHTER]

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

[LOUDER LAUGHTER]

HADLEY: Dick, you kill me!

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

BUSH: Yeah! Torture, not kill, Steve! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh--

ROVE: Cut that stupid cackle, George. You sound like a little girl when you do that.

BUSH: Oh... Sorry, everyone.

RUMSFELD: I would do it, but Woodward is such a suck ass, I'm likely to--

LIBBY: Don, in all honesty, you're not talking to anybody anymore. Go back to the Pentagon and stay in your office like Karl told you to.

RUMSFELD: Fuck you, Scooter.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

RUMSFELD: Maybe I am, Dick, but I'm still smarter than numbnuts over there.

BUSH: Are you pointing at me?

ROVE: Shut up, George.

BUSH: I want Andy to call my mom... Right now!

RICE: Now, calm down George. Please, Don, stop with the 'numbnuts' talk.

HADLEY: Look, I'm telling Woodward. Okay?

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

HADLEY: I have his number on speed dial, Dick. And I'm still faster than you!

[LAUGHTER]

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

[LOUDER LAUGHTER]

LIBBY: Okay, but I get to tell Judy Miller.

HADLEY: Oh, look at him jump on that!

[LAUGHTER]

RUMSFELD: You mean literally?

HADLEY: Why not? Everyone else has!

[LAUGHTER]

RUMSFELD: Scooter thinks Judy's hot.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

[LAUGHTER]

BUSH: Yeah, Condi is way hotter, especially when she wears her spike heel black boots and her--

ROVE: George... Inappropriate. Again.

BUSH: Oh.

RICE: You guys act like you're in your high school lockerroom.

HADLEY: Hey, you should be flattered. We think you're way hotter than Judy Miller!

RICE: I wish you'd st--

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

[LAUGHTER]

LIBBY: It IS hard to tell when colored people are blushing, Dick!

[LAUGHTER]

HADLEY: Okay, I got Woodward, Scooter's got Miller.

ROVE: I'll do my part and make a few calls.

BUSH: Should I call any--

ROVE: Shut up.

BUSH: But--

ROVE: Shut up.

BUSH: I--

ROVE: Shut up.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

[LAUGHTER]

RICE: Yes, yes, Dick we'll 'gut that fucker, Wilson.' Good job, everyone. Meeting adjourned!

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Woodward to Become Own 'Deep Throat'; Sell Book, Movie Rights for Millions

Item from Friday's New York Times:

WASHINGTON, Nov. 17 - The executive editor of The Washington Post said on Thursday that if other reporters at the newspaper independently discovered the identity of Bob Woodward's confidential source in the C.I.A. leak case, the newspaper might decide to publish the source's name.

................

I was just slipped a galley proof of the first couple of chapters from Woodward's upcoming book on the Plame leak, The Post Man Always Rings Thrice.

Here's a sneak peek...

Chapter One: Who Knew?

Jim VandeHei and Carol Leonnig, two reporters for The Washington Post, were at their desks in The Post newsroom when VandeHei's phone rang. He picked it up.

"Jim VandeHei."

A voice that sounded familiar, but that VandeHei couldn't place, said in a muffled tone, "I will call back in 15 seconds. Let the phone ring three times and then answer."

VandeHei heard a click. The line went dead. He looked around the newsroom. Carol Leonnig's desk was next to VandeHei's.

Leonnig noted VandeHei's look of puzzlement. "What's up, Jim?"

"I just had the weirdest call. The guy said he'd call back in 15 seconds and I was to let it ring three times before answering."

"What? That is weird."

Just then, VandeHei's phone rang again. As he instinctively reached for the phone, he heard a voice from somewhere in the newsroom shout, "Not yet!" VandeHei wheeled around in his desk chair to see who had shouted, but the rest of newsroom seemed busy. Nothing out of the ordinary. On the third ring, VandeHei answered his phone.

The muffled voice again. "Meet me in the parking garage, level C, spot 126 in five minutes. And come alone."

"What's this all about," VandeHei asked, scribbling down the garage level and parking spot on a piece of paper.

Another click. The line went dead... again.

There is more and I may post further excerpts in the coming days.

My source tells me that Woodward will become his own Deep Throat but has sworn himself to secrecy. According to the source, Woodward will maintain his vow of silence on being his own source until he reaches age 72 (10 years from now) when he plans to reveal the secret as part of the PR kickoff accompanying the release of his book on the subject, tentatively titled, Keeping Secrets from Myself: How I Managed to Not Reveal My Identity to Me for a Decade.

Woodward refused to comment for this story.