My Source in the White House: Rove & Co. Reveal October Surprise

As many of you know, I have a highly-placed source deep inside the Bush White House who has managed to slip me secret documentation of everything from transcripts of internal White House discussions on policy planning to revelations about George Bush's troubled past.

Today, I received the following transcript of an internal White House discussion that occurred earlier this week about a possible "October Surprise" that would turn the coming mid-terms in the Republican's favor. Please keep in mind that my source gets me these documents at great risk to himself/herself, so please don't ask me to reveal anything more than I already have about this source. Thank you.

[In attendance: ROVE, BUSH, CHENEY, RICE, RUMSFELD, MEHLMAN]

ROVE: Okay, I know some of you are worried about what might happen in November, and I--

BUSH: What? Why? What might happen? Are you guys not telling me something again?

CHENEY: Shut up.

BUSH: But I--

ROVE: SHUT UP!

BUSH: Condi, what are they--

RICE: George, please... Just let Karl talk, okay?

BUSH: Okay...

ROVE: I just want to tell everyone not to worry. Ken and I have got it covered.

MEHLMAN: Yeah, we're on it.

RUMSFELD: Well, I certainly hope so. You dumb assholes have put us in a pretty bad spot.

ROVE: I'm going to ignore that.

RUMSFELD: Ignore it all you want. You're supposed to be the "brain trust."

RICE: Don, how's Iraq going?

[LONG SILENCE]

ROVE: We've had to ratchet up the "October Surprise" to something more powerful due to the Foley thing.

MEHLMAN: And before you ask, Dick, no, I did not  have sex with him. I'm not gay.

RICE: Ewww, gross.

CHENEY: He must be the only gay Republican you missed, Ken.

[Laughter from RUMSFELD and CHENEY]

BUSH: Denny Hastert is a good man. He's a coach, a father, a--

ROVE: Would you shut the fuck up?

RICE: George, I've already told you once. You need to let Karl talk, okay?

BUSH: I want a cheeseburger.

RICE: I'll get you a cheeseburger.

BUSH: American cheese.

RICE: Yes, George, I know.

CHENEY: Would you two shut the fuck up?

ROVE: So here's the plan: Gay Islamo-fascist terrorists with nukes.

MEHLMAN: Only we break up the plot at the last minute!

ROVE: Through the NSA spyng program.

MEHLMAN: And here's the best part...

ROVE: It ends up that Foley was undercover.

MEHLMAN: You guys are gonna' love this...

ROVE: He had infiltrated this group of gay Islamo-fascist terrorists--

MEHLMAN: With nukes!

ROVE: Yes, with nukes, and the whole "page scandal" was part of the plan to convince the terrorists that he really was this kinky gay guy.

[LONG SILENCE]

CHENEY: I like it.

RUMSFELD: Make sure the terrorists are really dark-skinned.

RICE: That is insulting, Don.

RUMSFELD: Not colored, Condi, just dark.

BUSH: Condi isn't colored!

CHENEY: Moron.

BUSH: Colored people have kinky hair! Look at Condi! Her hair is beautiful!

RICE: George, I'm a negro.

MEHLMAN: And while we're all confessing, I'm gay! There! I feel better now! I'm out!

BUSH: Slow down! Slow down! Condi is a gay negro?

CHENEY: What do I need to do on this thing, Karl?

ROVE: I've got the roll-out all planned. You'll each be getting your instructions this afternoon.

RUMSFELD: Somebody better make sure President Numbnutz does what he's supposed to do.

MEHLMAN: I'm gay!

ROVE: Karen Hughes is babysitting him, Don.  Don't worry about that.

MEHLMAN: I AM GAY, AMERICA!

CHENEY: Is this over? I'm supposed to be at event in an hour where I'll predict that America could be just minutes away from a terrorist nuclear assault.

RUMSFELD: And I'm out at Fort Hood claiming that there are now 500,000 Iraqis ready to stand up.

ROVE: Go. I'll be in touch.

BUSH: You're really a negro?

RICE: Yes.  Now, here's your cheeseburger, George.

MEHLMAN: I'm gay and you're colored!  And we're out and proud!

ROVE: Ken, calm down. You have work to do.

BUSH: Have you always been colored?

RICE: Yes, George, always.

BUSH: Gee...

Foley-Hastert IMs revealed!

My source inside the White House sent me verbatim transcripts that the NSA surveillance program picked up of IMs between (now former) Congressman Mark Foley and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert.

According to my source, these conversations took place over the course of the past year while the NSA program was in place and before information on the program was leaked to the press.

[NOTE: These are vulgar and could make you ill.]

The first documented IM exchange between Foley and Hastert occurred on March 13, 2006:

Maf54: what are you wearing?

Coach64: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maf54: what's that?

Coach64: My hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh key is sticking.

Maf54: maybe you need some lubricant :)

Coach64: Whhhhhhhhhhhhat do you put on a keyboard?  WD40?

Maf54: what are you wearing? wrestling tights?

Coach64: No. I have this girdle thhhhhing.  It hhhhhelps my back.

Maf54: i'd like to slip that girdle off you

Coach64: I don't thhhhhhhhink so.

Maf54: why not?

Coach64: You'd get hhhhhit by my dunlap.

Maf54: dunlap?

Coach64: My belly that dun lap over my belt.

Maf54: oh heh heh

Coach64: I've never done thhhhhhhhhhis instant messaging thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhing.

Maf54: its cool

Coach64: Not doing muchhhhhhhh for me.

Maf54: how big is your thing?  when its stiff?

Coach64: Shhit, thhhhhat's whhhhhy I wear thhhe back brace.

Maf54: wow! it must be huge!

Coach64: It's hhhhuge and getting hhhhhhhuger. It gets so stiff, I can hhhhhardly stand up.

Maf54: ooooo  i like that!

Maf54: a lot

Coach64: Yeahh, I look like Quasimodo. It's thhhis thhhing on my upper back and it makes me look like a hhhhhhunchback.  The doctor says it's just a cyst.  But it gets real stiff and firm even thhhhoughhhhhhh it's some sort of fatty tissue.

Maf54: ugh i'm gonna be sick

Coach64: We hhhhhave the NSA surveillance vote tomorrow, so if you're going to be out sick, let me know so I can hhhave someone vote for you.  We need every vote on thhat one.

Maf54: not literally sick

Maf54: sick because of the cyst fatty tissue thing

Coach64: Mrs. HHHHHHHHHHHHastert has to drain it once a week.

Maf54: now i am sick

Maf54: gotta run

Coach64: Okay.  Bye.

Foley and Hastert try IMing again on May 3, 2006:

Maf54: i'm in my boxers

Coach64: Huh?

Maf54: my boxers. i see you got your h key fixed

Coach64: Are you part of Don King's group?

Maf54: huh?

Coach64: Your boxers.  What weight classes?

Maf54: i'm sitting in my boxers

Coach64: I can't picture it.  Do you mean, "Sitting AMONG my boxers?"

Maf54: whatever. are you hard? i am

Coach64: Yes.

Maf54: cool.  real hard?

Coach64: Well when I was still coaching wrestling, they said I was REALLY hard.

Maf54: i'm touching it

Coach64: Some of the kids said I was sadistic.

Maf54: slap me!

Coach64: Wrestling coaches are a hard lot.

Maf54: i like wrestling and wrestling tights

Coach64: Amazing.

Maf54: agree wrestling tights are amazing

Coach64: Here's amazing for you.  I have had the same pair of glasses since 1979.  Aviator wire-rims. That's amazing.

Maf54: you're killin my buzz

Maf54: really

Coach64: Hey, someone told me today that you were sending dirty messages to some of the boy pages.

Maf54: dirty? like what?

Coach64: Stuff about their penises and such.

Maf54: would i do that?

Coach64: No.  Sorry I brought it up.

Maf54: it's cool

Maf54: how big is yours?

Coach64: About 6'2".

Maf54: get out!

Coach64: Seriously.  My page is about 6'2".  And he's only an 11th grader.

Maf54: oh

Coach64: Got to run,  Mrs. Hastert has to drain my cyst.

Maf54: blech

Coach64: Hey, send that hundred grand to the RNCC or we'll out you.

Maf54: asshole

Coach64: Want to keep your committee assignments?

Maf54: the check will be there tomorrow

Coach64: Good night!

I may publish more of their hot exchanges later...

My Source in the White House: Rove's Phone cCall to Ailes; re: MARK FOLEY (D-FL)

FOX's continued use of the (D-FL) tag under pictures and video of Mark Foley lets you know exactly how panicked Rove is about losing the base. After all, who watches FOX News except for the hardcore Bush-o-philes?

My source in the White House slipped a transcript of a phone call Rove made to Roger Ailes, head of FOX News, last Friday just as the scandal was starting to pick up steam.

What follows is a verbatim transcript of the Rove-Ailes conversation:

ROVE: Roger, you gotta' help me out here.

AILES: Anything, Karl, you know that.

ROVE: Okay, I--

AILES: Well, I mean anything in the sense that I can use the network to help you.

ROVE: Look, Rog, I've forgotten all about that night. It was a one time thing. For both of us.

AILES: Yeah...

ROVE: Anyway, this Foley thing could really kill us with the fundies. I mean, they are quickly figuring out that we covered for a queer pervert who molested boys just to extort money to funnel into other congressional races.

AILES: Brilliant plan, Karl, like so much of your work. And just to make clear: I'm not gay.

ROVE: Me neither. Anyway, you know how fucking stupid these fundies are...

AILES: Abso-fucking-lutely! They thought Terri Schiavo was coming back to life!

[LOUD LAUGHTER FROM ROVE AND AILES]

ROVE: Well, here's what I'm thinking...

AILES: Go ahead. I'm all ears. Just don't grab `em and pull my head down to your crotch!

ROVE: [LAUGHING] Did I hurt you last time?

AILES: Shut up. I think I bugged my own phone last week, but I was too drunk to remember if I really did it. Go on...

ROVE: Okay, here's the plan. Keep running photos and video of Foley but instead of putting the tag "R dash FL" for "Republican-Florida" under his picture, put "D dash FL" for "Democrat-Florida."

AILES: I... I don't...

ROVE: The fundies will think Foley is a Democrat!

AILES: Holy fucking shit! That's genius!

ROVE: Of course!

AILES Those dumbfucks will really believe Foley is a Democrat!

ROVE: It's on FOX News!

AILES: So it must be true!

ROVE: Exactly.

AILES: And that will make them turn out more, not less.

ROVE: Nevermind the work they do in get-out-the-vote.

AILES: Damn. You're good.

ROVE: Next time you see me, you can kiss my pinky ring.

AILES: You put a ring on it now?

ROVE: My baby finger, Rog, not my Karl Column.

AILES: I love that you've named your thing.

ROVE: Luntz ran a focus group and came up with it.

AILES: Among the male pages?

ROVE: Wait, did you or did you not bug your phone?

[AILES AND ROVE LAUGH]

AILES: Fuck if I know. I was trashed.

ROVE: So, FOLEY dash D dash FL.

AILES: Got it. Consider it done. And kick your boss in the nuts for me and tell him he's the dumbest fuck on the planet.

ROVE: I do that everyday.

[ROVE AND AILES LAUGH, THEN HANG UP]