My Source in the White House: Rove & Co. Reveal October Surprise
As many of you know, I have a highly-placed source deep inside the Bush White House who has managed to slip me secret documentation of everything from transcripts of internal White House discussions on policy planning to revelations about George Bush's troubled past.
Today, I received the following transcript of an internal White House discussion that occurred earlier this week about a possible "October Surprise" that would turn the coming mid-terms in the Republican's favor. Please keep in mind that my source gets me these documents at great risk to himself/herself, so please don't ask me to reveal anything more than I already have about this source. Thank you.
[In attendance: ROVE, BUSH, CHENEY, RICE, RUMSFELD, MEHLMAN]
ROVE: Okay, I know some of you are worried about what might happen in November, and I--
BUSH: What? Why? What might happen? Are you guys not telling me something again?
CHENEY: Shut up.
BUSH: But I--
ROVE: SHUT UP!
BUSH: Condi, what are they--
RICE: George, please... Just let Karl talk, okay?
ROVE: I just want to tell everyone not to worry. Ken and I have got it covered.
MEHLMAN: Yeah, we're on it.
RUMSFELD: Well, I certainly hope so. You dumb assholes have put us in a pretty bad spot.
ROVE: I'm going to ignore that.
RUMSFELD: Ignore it all you want. You're supposed to be the "brain trust."
RICE: Don, how's Iraq going?
ROVE: We've had to ratchet up the "October Surprise" to something more powerful due to the Foley thing.
MEHLMAN: And before you ask, Dick, no, I did not have sex with him. I'm not gay.
RICE: Ewww, gross.
CHENEY: He must be the only gay Republican you missed, Ken.
[Laughter from RUMSFELD and CHENEY]
BUSH: Denny Hastert is a good man. He's a coach, a father, a--
ROVE: Would you shut the fuck up?
RICE: George, I've already told you once. You need to let Karl talk, okay?
BUSH: I want a cheeseburger.
RICE: I'll get you a cheeseburger.
BUSH: American cheese.
RICE: Yes, George, I know.
CHENEY: Would you two shut the fuck up?
ROVE: So here's the plan: Gay Islamo-fascist terrorists with nukes.
MEHLMAN: Only we break up the plot at the last minute!
ROVE: Through the NSA spyng program.
MEHLMAN: And here's the best part...
ROVE: It ends up that Foley was undercover.
MEHLMAN: You guys are gonna' love this...
ROVE: He had infiltrated this group of gay Islamo-fascist terrorists--
MEHLMAN: With nukes!
ROVE: Yes, with nukes, and the whole "page scandal" was part of the plan to convince the terrorists that he really was this kinky gay guy.
CHENEY: I like it.
RUMSFELD: Make sure the terrorists are really dark-skinned.
RICE: That is insulting, Don.
RUMSFELD: Not colored, Condi, just dark.
BUSH: Condi isn't colored!
BUSH: Colored people have kinky hair! Look at Condi! Her hair is beautiful!
RICE: George, I'm a negro.
MEHLMAN: And while we're all confessing, I'm gay! There! I feel better now! I'm out!
BUSH: Slow down! Slow down! Condi is a gay negro?
CHENEY: What do I need to do on this thing, Karl?
ROVE: I've got the roll-out all planned. You'll each be getting your instructions this afternoon.
RUMSFELD: Somebody better make sure President Numbnutz does what he's supposed to do.
MEHLMAN: I'm gay!
ROVE: Karen Hughes is babysitting him, Don. Don't worry about that.
MEHLMAN: I AM GAY, AMERICA!
CHENEY: Is this over? I'm supposed to be at event in an hour where I'll predict that America could be just minutes away from a terrorist nuclear assault.
RUMSFELD: And I'm out at Fort Hood claiming that there are now 500,000 Iraqis ready to stand up.
ROVE: Go. I'll be in touch.
BUSH: You're really a negro?
RICE: Yes. Now, here's your cheeseburger, George.
MEHLMAN: I'm gay and you're colored! And we're out and proud!
ROVE: Ken, calm down. You have work to do.
BUSH: Have you always been colored?
RICE: Yes, George, always.