Friday, October 06, 2006

Foley-Hastert IMs revealed!

My source inside the White House sent me verbatim transcripts that the NSA surveillance program picked up of IMs between (now former) Congressman Mark Foley and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert.

According to my source, these conversations took place over the course of the past year while the NSA program was in place and before information on the program was leaked to the press.

[NOTE: These are vulgar and could make you ill.]

The first documented IM exchange between Foley and Hastert occurred on March 13, 2006:

Maf54: what are you wearing?

Coach64: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maf54: what's that?

Coach64: My hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh key is sticking.

Maf54: maybe you need some lubricant :)

Coach64: Whhhhhhhhhhhhat do you put on a keyboard?  WD40?

Maf54: what are you wearing? wrestling tights?

Coach64: No. I have this girdle thhhhhing.  It hhhhhelps my back.

Maf54: i'd like to slip that girdle off you

Coach64: I don't thhhhhhhhink so.

Maf54: why not?

Coach64: You'd get hhhhhit by my dunlap.

Maf54: dunlap?

Coach64: My belly that dun lap over my belt.

Maf54: oh heh heh

Coach64: I've never done thhhhhhhhhhis instant messaging thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhing.

Maf54: its cool

Coach64: Not doing muchhhhhhhh for me.

Maf54: how big is your thing?  when its stiff?

Coach64: Shhit, thhhhhat's whhhhhy I wear thhhe back brace.

Maf54: wow! it must be huge!

Coach64: It's hhhhuge and getting hhhhhhhuger. It gets so stiff, I can hhhhhardly stand up.

Maf54: ooooo  i like that!

Maf54: a lot

Coach64: Yeahh, I look like Quasimodo. It's thhhis thhhing on my upper back and it makes me look like a hhhhhhunchback.  The doctor says it's just a cyst.  But it gets real stiff and firm even thhhhoughhhhhhh it's some sort of fatty tissue.

Maf54: ugh i'm gonna be sick

Coach64: We hhhhhave the NSA surveillance vote tomorrow, so if you're going to be out sick, let me know so I can hhhave someone vote for you.  We need every vote on thhat one.

Maf54: not literally sick

Maf54: sick because of the cyst fatty tissue thing

Coach64: Mrs. HHHHHHHHHHHHastert has to drain it once a week.

Maf54: now i am sick

Maf54: gotta run

Coach64: Okay.  Bye.

Foley and Hastert try IMing again on May 3, 2006:

Maf54: i'm in my boxers

Coach64: Huh?

Maf54: my boxers. i see you got your h key fixed

Coach64: Are you part of Don King's group?

Maf54: huh?

Coach64: Your boxers.  What weight classes?

Maf54: i'm sitting in my boxers

Coach64: I can't picture it.  Do you mean, "Sitting AMONG my boxers?"

Maf54: whatever. are you hard? i am

Coach64: Yes.

Maf54: cool.  real hard?

Coach64: Well when I was still coaching wrestling, they said I was REALLY hard.

Maf54: i'm touching it

Coach64: Some of the kids said I was sadistic.

Maf54: slap me!

Coach64: Wrestling coaches are a hard lot.

Maf54: i like wrestling and wrestling tights

Coach64: Amazing.

Maf54: agree wrestling tights are amazing

Coach64: Here's amazing for you.  I have had the same pair of glasses since 1979.  Aviator wire-rims. That's amazing.

Maf54: you're killin my buzz

Maf54: really

Coach64: Hey, someone told me today that you were sending dirty messages to some of the boy pages.

Maf54: dirty? like what?

Coach64: Stuff about their penises and such.

Maf54: would i do that?

Coach64: No.  Sorry I brought it up.

Maf54: it's cool

Maf54: how big is yours?

Coach64: About 6'2".

Maf54: get out!

Coach64: Seriously.  My page is about 6'2".  And he's only an 11th grader.

Maf54: oh

Coach64: Got to run,  Mrs. Hastert has to drain my cyst.

Maf54: blech

Coach64: Hey, send that hundred grand to the RNCC or we'll out you.

Maf54: asshole

Coach64: Want to keep your committee assignments?

Maf54: the check will be there tomorrow

Coach64: Good night!

I may publish more of their hot exchanges later...


At 10/06/2006 9:10 PM, Anonymous Bekka Caruso said...

hi- I was wondering if you were in michigan in the Upper Peninsula (at Rudyard High) in 1975? I'm looking for a Bob Johnson and have no other info about him so now I'm sending this ridiculous email to every Bob Johnson I can find (except the one really famous he is black and I'm so white I'm practically clear...and I'm looking for my biological relative)
Anyhoo- if you are who I am looking for - my kidney's are fine, I don't need money...Just medical history stuff so I can fill out a form completely when I go to the doctors...
Thanks in advance, and sorry to bother you....
Belly rubs for Rex, the prolific blogger (hilarious!)
email: lawnNinja AT lawnNinja DOT com

At 10/07/2006 12:27 PM, Anonymous Bob Johnson said...

Nope, not me.

At 10/09/2006 12:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're very unfunny. this is a stupid blog. you're jokes are stupid like you. Daily Kos sucks. Kos is a loser

At 10/09/2006 1:30 PM, Anonymous Bob Johnson said...

Ouch. That's it. I'm done. You told me. And I bet my dog sucks, too, eh?

At 10/09/2006 2:08 PM, Anonymous Bob Johnson said...

By the way, this line has made my Ironic Hall of Fame:

you're jokes are stupid like you.

Now, I realize you don't even understand what is wrong with that line, but that just makes it even funnier!

At 11/02/2006 8:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Bob,
I don't see any contact information for you so please forgive my writing you a note in this comment section.

I just read your statement at Kos that you have lots of experience in advertising. I wonder if you would be willing to help me.

I have founded a new organizaiton, the National Religious Campaign Against Torture. We have achieved a great deal in the roughly 10 months that we have been existence. But we still have a long way to go.

You can find out more about us at

Would you be willing to help up put together an advertising campaign aimed at religious people?

We are trying to build a grassroots constituency against torture and for human rights by working through the religious communities.

Thanks for your consideration.

Rev. Dr. George Hunsinger
Princeton Theological Seminary


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