Falwell blames gays, feminists, lesbians for death

This just in over the wire from ANS (Afterlife News Service):

Falwell blames 'pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians' for death

(ANS, The Afterlife) Echoing his comments made after 9-11 that the terrorist attack was caused by a litany of "evil forces," the late Jerry Falwell said today from the afterlife that "pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians, the ACLU, People for the American Way, Al Gore, Daily Kos and other immoral, liberal groups and individuals bear full responsibility for the heart attack that has claimed my earthly life."

Falwell went to add that, unlike his apology following his post-9-11 comments, he will "not be apologizing this time because there are no liberals where I'm going. So they can kiss my fat, dead ass."

Falwell said he had been sitting at his desk, thumbing through a stack of personal checks from residents of a senior center he had visited on Monday when he felt a sudden, crushing pain in his chest.

"It was like the homosexuals were actually reaching into my chest cavity and squeezing my heart," Falwell recounted. "I started praying, 'Lord, smite the homosexuals,' but they wouldn't let go. Bastards have a helluva' grip. Must be from all that cock grabbing they do."

Falwell noted that he was dead before Liberty University Executive Vice President Ron Godwin found him slumped over the stack of checks.

"Ronnie walked in and I was already gone. I give him credit, though. Before he even called 911, he removed the stack of checks and gave them to Eleanor and told her to make sure they get deposited, pronto. He also went through my desk drawers and removed the two copies of 'Big Jugs Magazine' he knew I had hidden in the back of one of them. But the son-of-a-bitch snatched the gold pen that Reagan had given me," Falwell complained.

Falwell said he would "wait and see" before offering any comment on his new surroundings. "I've often wondered if this is going to be a case of 'overpromise/underdeliver' or if things will be as good as I have told so many they would be. I'm not sold yet."

A spokesangel for God said The Almighty was taking a "long, hard look" at Falwell's life before deciding on a final afterlife home. "The Lord will only say at this point that no one is a sure bet. That goes for Jerry and for anyone else who leaves an earthly life."

When asked to respond to Falwell's assertion that "there are no liberals in heaven," the spokesangel laughed and said, "Franklin Roosevelt may have something to say about that."

Falwell closed his press conference with a diatribe against "Muslims and other infidel colored people on Earth who don't believe what I believe which is the one, true belief."

Just then, another recently dead man dressed in long, gold robes and a turban passed by on a throne carried by four angels.

Falwell was stunned.

"But I bet he's not a homo," the late Reverend said, before storming from the room.

Angry Iraqis trying to scrape up funds to 'follow Americans home'

John McCain, George Bush and nearly all of the other war apologists have been saying for the last three years -- and even more loudly of late -- that a "premature" exit of U.S. forces from Iraq will result in Islamic terrorists "following us home" to attack us on U.S. soil.

While many experts disagree with this premise, a story coming over the wire today may signal that, in fact, George W. Bush and John McCain may be right...

Iraqi insurgents seeking to 'follow the Americans home'; bemoan transportation costs

By Ted Snotwinkle, UIP REPORTER

(UIP, BAGHDAD) Tariq Assad Hussein was holding what can only be described as the Baghdad equivalent of a garage sale.

Scattered along the street in front of his modest, bullet-riddled home were nearly all of his worldy possessions, each item marked with a small price sticker. His neighbors were combing through the items, bartering for lower prices on everything from a framed photo of his family to a stained steel cooking pot to a mangled bicycle wheel.

"That wheel may still be useful," Mr. Hussein, 47, said through an interpreter. "The rest of the bike was destroyed in a car bomb explosion. I still have a piece of the kickstand imbedded in the back of my head. If I could pry it out without further injuring myself, I'd sell that, too."

Mr. Hussein is trying to raise the approximately $3,000 (USD) he believes it will cost him to get to the United States "to attack Americans."

Mr. Hussein's entire family has been killed in various explosions and gunfights over the past year, including his wife, three children, two brothers, and his mother and father.

So far, he has collected the equivalent of $62 from all of his endeavors.

"I am not giving up," Mr. Hussein said while attaching a promotional magnetic menu from a local falafel shop to the small piece of steel jutting from the back of his skull. "The guy that runs this shop gives me six dinars a week to hand out magnetic menus off my head. It's a curiosity. People love it."

Mr. Hussein is not alone in his professed desire to "follow the Americans home." But not everyone in Baghdad who wants to get to the United States intends violence. Some just want to get away from the violence they experience everyday.

Amira Aziz, 53, wants to get to the United States because she heard she could hang her laundry on the line without fear of being "exploded into little pieces."

"My family does not get clean clothes very much anymore," Mrs. Aziz said. "First, we don't get much water, and, second, it's too dangerous for me to be outside. I would love to be in a place like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' where they have everything nice."

(Reruns of American television shows are commonplace on Iraqi television.)

By the end of the day, Mr. Hussein had raised an additional three dollars from his sale. But he sounded optimistic of eventually finding his way to "the great Satan."

"I will get to America. You will see," he said with a smile. "Would you like a menu from Fariq's House of Falafel?"