Punxsutawney Phil: "Fu** it. You don't need me anymore."
This just came over the wire from Punxutawney:
(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - Rooters) Local groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his tree stump this morning and told the assembled crowd of media and curious onlookers that his 121-year-old tradition of predicting the end of winter is "dead as a f***ing doornail."
The pugnacious marmot explained that with the onset of serious global warming, "I will never predict six more weeks of winter again. Early Spring. Every f***ing year. It's over, okay? So just leave me the f*** alone."
Phil's handler, Ed Fenster, said that for the last few weeks, Phil had been complaining about radical climate change.
"Phil told me last week that he's disgusted with the way humans have mucked up the planet," Fenster said. "Only he used a word that rhymes with 'muck.' He pointed out that the he 'eats, sleeps, sh**s and occasionally farts' and that's his total impact on the environment. But the rest of us are ruining the place for creatures like him."
The first thing Phil said as he was pulled from the relative comfort of his burrow was, "Breaking: Winter to end. Along with the planet."
Before returning to his abode, Phil added, "And, no, I don't give a sh** about the Superbowl. More crap."
According to Fenster and other members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, the future of the event is in doubt.