Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bush speech shocker!

My highly-placed White House source just sent me an advance copy of President Bush's speech to the Naval Academy scheduled for later today. I post it without editorial comment:

As many of you know, a number of years ago after a long period of wild times, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior.

Well, Jesus came to me last night as I lay in bed at 8:15 in the pitch dark. Laura wasn't in bed yet. She was watching some reality TV show. (Those shows are not for me. I don't like reality.) Anyway, Jesus appeared at the foot of my bed and scared the bejeezus out of me.

He said, "George, you've been lied to by evil people."

I said, "I have, Jesus? Which people?"

Jesus replied, "Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Wolfowitz, Feith, Rove, Card, Hughes, Harriet Myers... Hell, the list is too long for me to repeat here."

I was stunned. "Really, Jesus? Even Harriet? They all lied to me?"

"Yes. They've told you you're smart."

"Oh," I thought, "Here it comes again."

See, folks, my whole life people have been telling me I'm an idiot. A dunderhead. A ninny. A lamebrain. My mom and dad told me that just about every day of my life -- until I was elected Governor of Texas. Then they and the rest of these folks all told me I was a real smart guy. One of the smartest guys they ever met.

And here was Jesus telling me it was all a lie.

"You really are an idiot, George. And these people have been playing you for the fool."

I didn't know what to think. Now, I may not be that smart, but I knew I had Jesus at the foot of my bed, so I asked, "What should I do about these people, Jesus?"

"Get rid of them all and hire me as your sole (and your soul -- that's s-o-u-l) advisor."

Jesus wanted an exclusive contract. He wanted to be my Chief of Staff and entire Cabinet.

Who would turn down Jesus?

So I am announcing here today that, effective immediately, the entire White House staff and every department head and even the Vice President has been fired and replaced by Jesus.

Pending Senate approval, of course.

But who's gonna' vote against Jesus?

Maybe I'm not so dumb after all!


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