Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Bush writes own State of the Union. I have advance copy.

My friend who has access to the upper echelons of power within the White House slipped me a copy of Bush's State of the Union address... The one Bush wrote, himself, prior to being told by Karl Rove, "There's no fucking way we let you read ANYTHING you wrote yourself! Got that, asshole?"

Bush's notes to his staff are noted within parenthesis.

So, without further ado, I present George W. Bush's State of the Union... In his own words:

Hi, evryone. Itz me George W. Bush yor prezidint.

In these hallowd chambers (I like using terms like hallowd chambers even tho I don't no what it means) In these hallowd chambers bills get presinted and past. Jujes get upper down votes. Speachis get made. Importint decizens get dun. In these hallowd chambers. (I am uzing that one a lot to show that I can uze terms like hallowd chambers okay?)

So wut have we dun this year hear? All kinze of stuff. Stuff that helps the American peepil. But we have much more stuff to do to help the American peepil. Like cutting taxes in these hallowd chambers. (Iz it it ok to uze it agin?)

We have fawt a war to fite teririzm wile fiteing terirists over whair we are fiteing the war. And we are stil fiteing that war over there so we don't haf to fite a war over here. In these hallowd chambers. (Wil thay clap hear?)

We wil not stop fiteing the terirists until we kil them all. All of them. Kil kil kil! (I bet thay clap hear for shur.)

We mus fite the terirists ware thay liv. Like in plasis aroun the wirld and stuff. We wil go get them with secret boms and uther stuff we maik that can fine terirists and blow them up! (I bet evrywon wil be gone crazy hear!)

An we wil spie on terirists so we no ware thay wil go to be terirists and to do teririst atax on Americans. So we haf to spie! Spie spie spie so we can kil kil kil. Becuz my job as prezidint iz to maik all of you saif. An to be saif we haf to spie. Jus on the terirists. Not on uther peepil. You haf my werd.

We did uther stuff this year to like um like we like (put sumthing in hear pleaz about sum uther stuff we did this year.)

And the Medicare drug thing is good (How cum eefin my mom sez this is efft up? Huh?)
We kep pricis low (Oil is to scairy rite now)
We fixt Soshil Sacurety so peepil can poot thair muney is uther stuff (Nefermine)
I wen on a lot of vacashins (Maibe this is not good)

In these hallowd chambers. We ilectid Juj Aleeto to tha Soopreem Cort. (I will poynt to Juj Aleeto hear.) My niknaim for him is Pipeeto. (I wil laf hear.) Hi Pipeeto! He is up thair nex to my wife! (I wil poin to him agin hear.) (I expec to get a good laf hear.)

An we ilectid Juj Robertson to the Soopreem Cort! (I wil poynt to Juj Robertson hear in the frunt roe.)

We wil werk together with the uther side to do uther importint stuff like (I cant think of anything for hear)

Oh we wil sen a astronut to Marz! (Is that rite? Is it Marz or is it unuther planit?)

(I wil waiv an wink an smile at peepil in the awdeens hear.)

Thank you and God bless America! (Peepil wil stan up and chear hear.)

(I no it is a short speech but I wan to go to bed erlee on Toozday nite becuz I wil be tired frum practissing my speech.)

We'll see how much of this speech he'll use tonight. Keep your ears open.


At 2/02/2006 7:04 PM, Blogger wobblie said...

Is it me, or has spelling really improved? Good for him (and for his tutor - I'm lookin' in your direction Librarian Laura)!

I'm glad to see that our edjumucation preznit is leading by example!

At 2/03/2006 10:27 AM, Blogger Bob Johnson said...


He's a closet genius. I've had members of the faithful tell me that with streight faces.

At 2/03/2006 3:17 PM, Blogger Random-witticism said...

Great post, laughed myself sober on this one.

At 2/03/2006 4:34 PM, Blogger wobblie said...


I've had the true believers tell me the same thing. I've never been able to formulate a witty comeback because I've been busy scraping my jaw off the floor and repeatedly babbling, "Are you for real?"

At 2/03/2006 4:53 PM, Blogger fatochre said...

You should write a book Bob.
That was very funny. (I do think Bush is a very smart guy though, maybe not a genius, but pretty smart.)
You though, have a great wit. You really should write a book or something, maybe do political cartoons, (just stay away from muhammad and troops since way too many people get bent about that it seems)
very good job


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