I talked to Christ today
I had a sit down interview with Jesus Christ today. It was enlightening and disturbing all at once.
We started with Ariel Sharon.
He told me Sharon should die for handing over territory -- holy ground -- to the heathen, pagan, Islamic Palestinian devils.
He was pissed. He said, "Fuck that fat old Jew."
I interrupted, "Weren't you a Jew?"
"Virgin birth, dipshit. I was part of God, not some big-nosed cult."
Oh, Christ was riled up. Next, he took off after the homos.
"Fucking fags," Christ said. "That shit they do makes me sick."
I asked Him why, if He struck down Ariel Sharon for giving away land, He didn't attack the homosexuals, too.
"I'm working on it," He said, plucking bits of food from between His teeth with a toothpick. "Goddamned scientific advances are fucking with my plans," He added without a trace of irony.
I said, "That makes no sense. You're all-powerful. Why don't you just give all the homosexuals massive strokes?"
"Don't fuck with me, asshole, or you'll be clutching your chest in just a second."
"Okay, but you could just--"
He cut me off.
"I'll take care of the fags in my own good time."
I let the homosexual issue drop. But I asked, "How come you let a conservative judge throw out the Dover, Pennsylvania Intelligent Design curriculum?"
"I'm a busy guy," He said, annoyed. "I'll schedule something for that asshat judge someday soon. It's on my calendar."
I told Christ I was surprised at His vindictiveness and general mean-spiritedness. This was not the Christ I studied throughout my years in a Catholic elementary school.
He was inscensed at my observations.
"You're judging me? What the fuck!"
"I'm just telling you what I see."
"I am Jesus Fucking Christ, man! And you're judging me?"
"Look, it's just that--"
"No, you 'look.' I am the man, you got that? The Man! I own it all and I can do as I damn well please. That's my prerogative as Jesus Christ."
"But why the nastiness? What's with giving a guy a massive stroke? Or nailing New Orleans with a huge hurricane? What is up with that, Jesus? The Jesus Christ I studied was a loving God, not a punishing, vengeful, vindictive God."
"You are skating on very thin ice, my friend," Christ intoned. "I've got a nice place here in Heaven and I intend to keep it that way. It's the ultimate gated community. And now that I have everything just the way I like it, I want to keep the riff-raff out. Riff-raff like you. And that fat Jew who gave away the Holy Land. And all the queers. And the filthy Muslims. And the rest of the slime."
"But, hold on a second, there, Jesus. Haven't you and your Father created every living creature? How can you hate the creatures you created?"
"Hey, even we fuck up," He said. "We make these new ones and then they use their free will to pull shit like believing in some other God. We've been contemplating doing away with the whole 'free will' thing. Too goddamned messy."
I asked Him if He was disappointed with wars and murders and violence on Earth, some of it carried out in His very name.
"It is what it is," He said with a seemingly resigned shrug of His shoulders. "Everything hasn't turned out like Dad planned it originally. Hell, I had to be painfully killed, supposedly to make everything right again. Look how that's worked out."
I must say it was a bit depressing to see Christ so... worn out.
When I observed that He seemed a little bitter and that His bitterness may explain the mean-spirited vindictiveness exhibited by Him of late, he reacted with a surprising reflectiveness.
"Yeah, maybe I just need to get away from everything for a while. Take some time off. Clear my head. I got to talk to the Old Man."
With that, He ascended back to Heaven.
I hope He gets His much-needed respite.
Author's note: This is the Jesus Christ of Rev. Pat Robertson, Rev. James Dobson and other preachers of the right.