Saturday, January 14, 2006

I talked to Christ today

I had a sit down interview with Jesus Christ today. It was enlightening and disturbing all at once.

We started with Ariel Sharon.

He told me Sharon should die for handing over territory -- holy ground -- to the heathen, pagan, Islamic Palestinian devils.

He was pissed. He said, "Fuck that fat old Jew."

I interrupted, "Weren't you a Jew?"

"Virgin birth, dipshit. I was part of God, not some big-nosed cult."

Oh, Christ was riled up. Next, he took off after the homos.

"Fucking fags," Christ said. "That shit they do makes me sick."

I asked Him why, if He struck down Ariel Sharon for giving away land, He didn't attack the homosexuals, too.

"I'm working on it," He said, plucking bits of food from between His teeth with a toothpick. "Goddamned scientific advances are fucking with my plans," He added without a trace of irony.

I said, "That makes no sense. You're all-powerful. Why don't you just give all the homosexuals massive strokes?"

He glared.

"Don't fuck with me, asshole, or you'll be clutching your chest in just a second."

"Okay, but you could just--"

He cut me off.

"I'll take care of the fags in my own good time."

I let the homosexual issue drop. But I asked, "How come you let a conservative judge throw out the Dover, Pennsylvania Intelligent Design curriculum?"

"I'm a busy guy," He said, annoyed. "I'll schedule something for that asshat judge someday soon. It's on my calendar."

I told Christ I was surprised at His vindictiveness and general mean-spiritedness. This was not the Christ I studied throughout my years in a Catholic elementary school.

He was inscensed at my observations.

"You're judging me? What the fuck!"

"I'm just telling you what I see."

"I am Jesus Fucking Christ, man! And you're judging me?"

"Look, it's just that--"

"No, you 'look.' I am the man, you got that? The Man! I own it all and I can do as I damn well please. That's my prerogative as Jesus Christ."

"But why the nastiness? What's with giving a guy a massive stroke? Or nailing New Orleans with a huge hurricane? What is up with that, Jesus? The Jesus Christ I studied was a loving God, not a punishing, vengeful, vindictive God."

"You are skating on very thin ice, my friend," Christ intoned. "I've got a nice place here in Heaven and I intend to keep it that way. It's the ultimate gated community. And now that I have everything just the way I like it, I want to keep the riff-raff out. Riff-raff like you. And that fat Jew who gave away the Holy Land. And all the queers. And the filthy Muslims. And the rest of the slime."

"But, hold on a second, there, Jesus. Haven't you and your Father created every living creature? How can you hate the creatures you created?"

"Hey, even we fuck up," He said. "We make these new ones and then they use their free will to pull shit like believing in some other God. We've been contemplating doing away with the whole 'free will' thing. Too goddamned messy."

I asked Him if He was disappointed with wars and murders and violence on Earth, some of it carried out in His very name.

"It is what it is," He said with a seemingly resigned shrug of His shoulders. "Everything hasn't turned out like Dad planned it originally. Hell, I had to be painfully killed, supposedly to make everything right again. Look how that's worked out."

I must say it was a bit depressing to see Christ so... worn out.

When I observed that He seemed a little bitter and that His bitterness may explain the mean-spirited vindictiveness exhibited by Him of late, he reacted with a surprising reflectiveness.

"Yeah, maybe I just need to get away from everything for a while. Take some time off. Clear my head. I got to talk to the Old Man."

With that, He ascended back to Heaven.

I hope He gets His much-needed respite.

Author's note: This is the Jesus Christ of Rev. Pat Robertson, Rev. James Dobson and other preachers of the right.


At 1/14/2006 12:06 PM, Blogger fatochre said...

I understand what you are saying Mr. Johnson. I think your view is fairly common sometimes. By common I don't imply that you are a bore or anything of that nature, I just say that I have seen the type of logic applied.
I also understand how you can feel that way. I think I have been guilty of talking about Islam with the same disdain because of the actions of some of their adherants.
I think the bible even comments on the whole thing when it says:
"My name is blasphemed among the nations because of you." God was refering to the Jews portraying an incorrect image of what He really is, and reminding them of the consequences of such actions.
I am sorry that the words of some of these men have caused such vitriolic reactions from so many people.
I do not agree that God has struck down Mr. Sharon for making deals with the Palestinians, but, the scriptures are full of examples of God doing such a thing to people for similar things. So even though I do not agree that this is what has happened to the P.M. of Israel, I can see where they get the idea from.
I have heard Dr. Dobson say things in the past that were troubling to me, especially about the Terri Schiavo thing. Now I do think that the court allowed that girl to be killed and I think what happened to her was wrong, but I think it even more wrong that it even went as far as it did. That was fundamentally an argument between a family and it should have stayed there. It was also a matter for the state of Florida and should have stayed there as well. I think anytime there is a chance that life can be saved, then we should try. But that girl was a wife and the bible says that when a woman leaves her family she is joined to her husband and the two become one flesh. That means she is no longer under the rule of her father, but under her husband. It was his choice plain and simple, I just don't agree with his choice.
I still respect Dr. Dobson though, since he is just a man like I am. He is wrong about things like I am too. So I will forgive him, which means to release him from a debt he owes. And I will seek my truth from one higher than he, but I can listen to him for ideas of how to think.
Keep it up man, and have a good day.

At 1/14/2006 3:32 PM, Blogger Bob Johnson said...


Thanks for stopping by. I really emjoy your writing.

Obviously, my point in the post was not about Jesus Christ or even my perception of Jesus Christ, but, rather, the use of religion and, in this case, Christ, as a bludgeon to spread, what I perceive to be, hate.

I wonder what Christ would have thought of someone like Fawell suggesting that the 9-11 Twin Towers destruction was wreaked upon New York by a vengeful God upset with homosexuality. Or that New Orleans was destroyed by God because of the wickedness of some of its inhabitants. Or the never-ending diatribes against gay men and women.

And when I read narrow-minded and ignorant posts on blogs like Scott's (and I actually enjoy his blog) about how all Democrats are this or all liberals are that, I wonder just how narrow the worlds are of the people who make these comments.

I was raised Catholic, but in my early 20s, I spent a great deal of time studying other religions. I understand belief and I respect people who firmly believe that their religion is the one, true religion.

But what I respect more is people who understand that their religion is their own true religion and that others may believe differently.

That is the inherent narrow-mindedness I see exhibited all too often by the likes of Robertson, Fawell, Dobson and others and repeated by folks on message boards, radio programs and in other media.

I found it ironic that Scott would berate Jesse Jackson and claim Jackson and Sharpton exploited religion to take money from their constituencies while Scott overlooked the Robertsons, Fawells, Dobsons and Ralph Reeds of the world who were doing the same thing from the other side.

I would just like to see a little objectivity.

I have friends who are conservative, religious Republicans, religious and non-religious Democrats, Muslims, my wife is Jewish, and my business partner of 15 years is a gay man (and even he doesn't believe that gays should be allowed to get married).

Exposure to differences breeds acceptance and tolerance. I read comments on Scott's blog and I can only think that for some folks, their worlds must be small, indeed, populated only by people like themselves.

Thus, this blog post.

The Jesus Christ of Robertson, Dobson and Fawell is not the Jesus Christ I grew up learning about.

That was my point.

Thanks for coming by, David.

At 1/15/2006 7:33 AM, Blogger H.E. Logan said...


I enjoyed this post a lot. I, too, have trouble with the Falwells, the Robertsons, etc. of the world. The God I grew up believing in is not wrathful and vengeful, but kind and forgiving.

I also have friends of many different religions, political beliefs, etc. I find it both refreshing and challenging to be able to sit down with people and hear from many points of view. Good post.

At 1/16/2006 2:49 PM, Blogger Brian Landoe said...

Sadly, I wonder sometimes if that is the Jesus Pat Robertson believes in. Your post is thought provoking, albeit harsh. Scripture portrays Christ as a lover of all, particularly those on the margins of society, not one who endorsed political agendas under his father's name to force them into deeper and deeper presecution. The cycle of history is funny. Christians were once the most oppressed group in the Roman Empire. Consequently, Christianity grew as the religion of the poor, of the meek, and the unloved. Now, under a "christian" nation, the persecuted have become the persecutors. Certainly this applies to a small percentage of Christians, basically those who have been corrupted by political power. I have no doubt that Pat Robertson is a man of deep faith, but his theology has become deeply peverse and corrupted by power. Power corrupts, its as simple as that.

At 1/16/2006 5:14 PM, Blogger Bob Johnson said...


Of course, I fully intended this post to be harsh because I wanted to try and find the voice Jesus must use when He speaks to Pat Robertson. Or, at least, the voice that Pat Robertson's Jesus uses.

And this is all I could imagine. A burnt-out and vindictive Jesus spewing hatred about who He will punish next.

I don't think it's just power, Brian, that makes a guy like Robertson suggest that God (or Christ) is actively killing people in His name. There are plenty of small-time preachers in out-of-the-way places preaching gospels of hate every damn day.

How do we reconcile calling out radical imams who spew hatred toward the West when we have Christian voices doing the same thing on our own soil, some with bully pulpits that reach millions of their faithful?

The hypocrisy is more than I can stand.

Thus, this blog entry.

At 1/17/2006 8:36 AM, Blogger Chromatius said...

Don't forget the Jewish voices either, sanctioning the murder of children and civilians in the name of Israel and its destiny.

At 1/20/2006 3:21 PM, Blogger Scott Whicker said...

Christ does love all and wants us to love all. It is the hardest thing we have to do for Christ. Because we are only human we have emotions to deal with. Sometimes (more often than not) we let those emotions interfere with God's work.

The problem with religion and humans is we dig too deep. We judge others if we are religious. I think this hurts God more than anything. To use his grace and turn it into a tool to judge others is (in my opinion) the greatest sin. Christ loves us unconditionally and to be a Christian we should strive to walk in Christ's light. I know I don't do that everyday. I pray for the strength and guidance that I might.

Too much finger pointing when it comes to religion. Many times I am turned off by church because of the hipocracy within the members of the congregation. But then I remember that Christ would love them anyway, and so should I. Lead by example, I guess.

Now, how does that transfer to everyday life? It's hard, real hard. Many times our egos get in the way and we forget that we are all brothers and sisters. Within all families there are differing opinions when it comes to politics, economics, sports, whatever. Some families have mentally challenged or psychological problems, do we stop loving them? No. We do whatever we can to help them.

That's what I think. Is it what I do? not all the time. In fact, rarely. I will continue to pray for guidance and strength. Hopefully I haven't caused God too much pain.

At 1/20/2006 9:19 PM, Blogger Bob Johnson said...


You're a good man with deep convictions. That's why I enjoy your blog.

Sure, we're on opposite sides on a lot of things, but I respect someone who sticks up for his team. Don't always fully understand it, but I respect it.

Thanks for stopping in.

By the way, my comments in this thread about your blog are referencing comments by others on your blog, not your comments.


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