Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Radical measures: Taking action to protect my privacy!

There's so much spying going on that I am now assuming that everything I say, everything I write, everything I do is being surveilled.

Thus, I have undertaken several measures to ensure that I retain at least a modicum of privacy.

First, I'm am speaking with my wife in a coded language that has taken us 20 years to develop and perfect. The code is unbreakable, as we are the only two who can possibly understand it. Here is a sample. See if you can decipher what we are really talking about...

MRS. J: Would you get off the computer and replace that light on the front porch? Why do I have to ask you a dozen times?

ME: Did you say something?

MRS. J: Replace the front porch light! That's thirteen times!

ME: I'm going for a ride now.

MRS. J: How long will you be gone? What about the front porch light?

ME: Well, I'd like to do about 60 miles. So that's probably four hours or so.

MRS J: All you do is blog and ride your damn bike. Meanwhile, I'm doing the laundry, cleaning the house, paying the bills, arranging the girls' social schedules, getting food so we can have a decent dinner, picking up--

ME: Did you say something?

MRS. J: Grsm frk crat jrok crus mmmfffff crap!!!!

ME: Did you say something about the front porch light?

No one, no one can break that code! Yet, in that little snippet, we discussed a number of critical issues in depth, including the fact that Cheney should be on the next rendition flight out of the U.S., bound for a country that enthusiastically endorses and employs torture.

Other measures I have put into place to protect my privacy include creating an ambient noise field in any environment. That may involve leaving water running when I'm in the bathroom or the kitchen, playing music at loud volumes in my office when handling calls, and whistling whenever I don't have running water or music. Of course, this kind of ambient noise-making has irritated a number of my family members, friends and co-workers, though I haven't seen too much evidence of their annoyance except for the fact that someone at work keeps swiping my lunch out of the fridge.

That led to me sending a coworker the following e-mail that is chock-full of letters that seem indecipherable to the average person, but make perfect sense to those who have an official Bob Johnson Decoder Ring®.

See if you can decode this e-mail to my co-worker:

From: Bob Johnson
To: Mike Shaughnessy
Subject: Mvodi jo gsjhf

Eje zpv fbu nz gvdljoh mvodi bhbjo?

Xibu uif gvdl, evef? Zpv cfuufs cvz nf b gvdljoh tboexjdi, bttipmf!

I'll leave it to you cryptographers to break the code. But you can be pretty damn sure that Shaughnessy bought me another goddamned sandwich to replace the one he swiped from the office fridge!

Finally, I am wearing disguises and using different voices when in public. Imagine the following comments uttered by yours truly while using a high, falsetto voice and wearing a blond wig, a black "party dress," fishnet stockings and heels:

"Look, asshole, I know you're a government agent, but I'm not who you think I am. My name is Roberta Johnson and I'm on my way to an appointment with a certain high-ranking administration official, if you catch my drift. And that high ranking official, whose initials are KR, would be very, very unhappy were I to miss our appointment, get it big fella'? Now butt out or I'll have your sorry ass sent to Guantanamo!"

Worked like a charm.

If you respond to this post, please do so in code. And contact me here if you'd like an official Bob Johnson Decoder Ring®.


At 12/28/2005 10:11 AM, Anonymous Newton Snookers said...

Please send me an official Bob Johnson Decoder Ring as soon as possible because I'll soon have to do my income tax returns as well as e-mail yet another marriage proposal to Alison Krauss.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Newton Snookers

At 12/28/2005 11:21 AM, Blogger Bob Johnson said...

It's in the mail, newton.

I didn't have your address so I simply labeled the envelope:

newton snookers
1234 Main St.
Anytown, Anystate XXXXX

I hope you get it. Though "newton snookers" is a fairly unusual name/


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