Monday, January 09, 2006

EXCLUSIVE! Bush meets Abramoff in Oval Office! Full transcript!

Did Bush know Abramoff? Damn right he did! And here's the proof!

Just had this slid under my door by my top-secret, White House insider contact. A transcript of an Oval Office conversation between President Bush and lobbyist Jack Abramoff said to have taken place on December 11, 2003:

ABRAMOFF: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

BUSH: Well, if it isn't my second favorite Jewboy!

ABRAMOFF: Second favorite?

BUSH: Yeah, you're okay because you're all about money, but you're no Lieberman. That guy loves my ass!

ABRAMOFF: I love your ass, too, Mr. President.

BUSH: You're not a homo, are you, Abramoff?

ABRAMOFF: No. No, I'm not.

BUSH: That's good because homos make me nervous.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: You're a smart guy -- hell, all you Jewboys are smart guys, that's what my old man always told me. He always said, "When you're in trouble, get yourself a smart Jew lawyer."

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: And I was in trouble a lot. All the damn time. I had a whole stable of Jew lawyers.


BUSH: So let me ask you something, Abramoff...


BUSH: Do you think Karl has homosexual tendencies?

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir.

BUSH: Not even a clue, a hint?

ABRAMOFF: Karl is married.

BUSH: I think he goes both ways.

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir. Now, about this Mariana Islands deal--

BUSH: I think he does. Cheney, on the other hand, I think the guy is neither.

ABRAMOFF: Neither what, Mr. President?

BUSH: I don't think he's homo or straight. He's a neuter. All he cares about is money. If he could fuck it, he would.

ABRAMOFF: I'm right there with him, sir. That's why I want to speak with you about this Northern Mariana Islands deal. We can't let minimum wage laws app--

BUSH: I like money, too, but I wouldn't fuck it.

ABRAMOFF: Of course not, sir. Now about this deal--

BUSH: I don't think it would even feel good.

ABRAMOFF: No, probably not, sir--

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here?

ABRAMOFF: Excuse me, Mr. President?

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here to ask me this stuff about the Mary Ann Islands? He's always doing this to me.

ABRAMOFF: Mariana Islands, sir. And, no, Karl didn't send me in.

BUSH: Is that the island Gilligan was stuck on?

ABRAMOFF: I don't--

BUSH: Because Mary Ann was on the show and they were stuck on an island and they may have named the island after her.

ABRAMOFF: No, I don't think--

BUSH: Of course, I would have named the island after Ginger. Now, she was hot!

ABRAMOFF: Yes, um, this deal I want to discuss with you involves trying to stop the change in labor laws to the--

BUSH: I should watch a coupla' episodes of Gilligan's Island with Karl and see how he reacts to Ginger.

ABRAMOFF: Great idea, sir. Now, this legislation--

BUSH: Real simple. If he gets more excited when the Professor is on the screen than he does when Ginger is on the screen, then... case closed!

ABRAMOFF: Case closed!

BUSH: I'm like a goddamned Jew lawyer!

ABRAMOFF: You're practically one of us, Mr. President!

BUSH: What?

ABRAMOFF: I said you're practically one of us!

BUSH: My mother would kick your ass if she heard you call me practically a Jew.

ABRAMOFF: I didn't mean anything derogatory by it, Mr. President.

BUSH: Jews and coloreds and spics. She doesn't care for most of `em.

ABRAMOFF: Well, sure, but about--

BUSH: Don't get me wrong, Abramoff. She's not a racist!

ABRAMOFF: No, of course not.

BUSH: She was always real nice to the colored servants when I was growing up.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: She'd get them all a little something at Christmas, like new socks or a hat or something.

ABRAMOFF: What a sweet woman.

BUSH: Listen, good to see you again, Jewboy Number Two! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

ABRAMOFF: Um, is there someone else I can talk to about this Mariana Islands deal, Mr. President?

BUSH: Yeah, talk to whoever is in charge of that.

ABRAMOFF: And who would that be?

BUSH: How the fuck would I know?

ABRAMOFF: I just thought--

BUSH: (SHOUTING) Andy! Get this guy some of that cream cheese and that slimy salmon and a bagel! You Jews like that shit, right?

ABRAMOFF: Actually, I have to be going, Mr. President. Thank you for your time. Can I get a quick picture with you?

BUSH: Sure! Why not? Help me with the Jew vote in `04! Smile!



At 1/09/2006 11:09 PM, Anonymous Thor Heyerdahl said...

Gotta love it. Thanks for the laugh!

At 1/10/2006 2:40 AM, Anonymous dennisdeveny said...

I'm crying. Jesus... that's great.


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