EXCLUSIVE! Bush meets Abramoff in Oval Office! Full transcript!

Did Bush know Abramoff? Damn right he did! And here's the proof!

Just had this slid under my door by my top-secret, White House insider contact. A transcript of an Oval Office conversation between President Bush and lobbyist Jack Abramoff said to have taken place on December 11, 2003:

ABRAMOFF: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

BUSH: Well, if it isn't my second favorite Jewboy!

ABRAMOFF: Second favorite?

BUSH: Yeah, you're okay because you're all about money, but you're no Lieberman. That guy loves my ass!

ABRAMOFF: I love your ass, too, Mr. President.

BUSH: You're not a homo, are you, Abramoff?

ABRAMOFF: No. No, I'm not.

BUSH: That's good because homos make me nervous.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: You're a smart guy -- hell, all you Jewboys are smart guys, that's what my old man always told me. He always said, "When you're in trouble, get yourself a smart Jew lawyer."

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: And I was in trouble a lot. All the damn time. I had a whole stable of Jew lawyers.

ABRAMOFF: Sure...

BUSH: So let me ask you something, Abramoff...

ABRAMOFF: Shoot.

BUSH: Do you think Karl has homosexual tendencies?

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir.

BUSH: Not even a clue, a hint?

ABRAMOFF: Karl is married.

BUSH: I think he goes both ways.

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir. Now, about this Mariana Islands deal--

BUSH: I think he does. Cheney, on the other hand, I think the guy is neither.

ABRAMOFF: Neither what, Mr. President?

BUSH: I don't think he's homo or straight. He's a neuter. All he cares about is money. If he could fuck it, he would.

ABRAMOFF: I'm right there with him, sir. That's why I want to speak with you about this Northern Mariana Islands deal. We can't let minimum wage laws app--

BUSH: I like money, too, but I wouldn't fuck it.

ABRAMOFF: Of course not, sir. Now about this deal--

BUSH: I don't think it would even feel good.

ABRAMOFF: No, probably not, sir--

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here?

ABRAMOFF: Excuse me, Mr. President?

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here to ask me this stuff about the Mary Ann Islands? He's always doing this to me.

ABRAMOFF: Mariana Islands, sir. And, no, Karl didn't send me in.

BUSH: Is that the island Gilligan was stuck on?

ABRAMOFF: I don't--

BUSH: Because Mary Ann was on the show and they were stuck on an island and they may have named the island after her.

ABRAMOFF: No, I don't think--

BUSH: Of course, I would have named the island after Ginger. Now, she was hot!

ABRAMOFF: Yes, um, this deal I want to discuss with you involves trying to stop the change in labor laws to the--

BUSH: I should watch a coupla' episodes of Gilligan's Island with Karl and see how he reacts to Ginger.

ABRAMOFF: Great idea, sir. Now, this legislation--

BUSH: Real simple. If he gets more excited when the Professor is on the screen than he does when Ginger is on the screen, then... case closed!

ABRAMOFF: Case closed!

BUSH: I'm like a goddamned Jew lawyer!

ABRAMOFF: You're practically one of us, Mr. President!

BUSH: What?

ABRAMOFF: I said you're practically one of us!

BUSH: My mother would kick your ass if she heard you call me practically a Jew.

ABRAMOFF: I didn't mean anything derogatory by it, Mr. President.

BUSH: Jews and coloreds and spics. She doesn't care for most of `em.

ABRAMOFF: Well, sure, but about--

BUSH: Don't get me wrong, Abramoff. She's not a racist!

ABRAMOFF: No, of course not.

BUSH: She was always real nice to the colored servants when I was growing up.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: She'd get them all a little something at Christmas, like new socks or a hat or something.

ABRAMOFF: What a sweet woman.

BUSH: Listen, good to see you again, Jewboy Number Two! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

ABRAMOFF: Um, is there someone else I can talk to about this Mariana Islands deal, Mr. President?

BUSH: Yeah, talk to whoever is in charge of that.

ABRAMOFF: And who would that be?

BUSH: How the fuck would I know?

ABRAMOFF: I just thought--

BUSH: (SHOUTING) Andy! Get this guy some of that cream cheese and that slimy salmon and a bagel! You Jews like that shit, right?

ABRAMOFF: Actually, I have to be going, Mr. President. Thank you for your time. Can I get a quick picture with you?

BUSH: Sure! Why not? Help me with the Jew vote in `04! Smile!

[END TRANSCRIPT]