I support profiling and torture to protect Americans from threats

Yes, I know some of you are shocked to read that headline from me.

I can hear your responses now, as though I was sitting in a chair next to you while you stare, mouth agape, at your computer screen...

"Bob, what the fuck?! Have you lost your marbles?"

No, I have my marbles right here in my pocket where I always keep them. (And to answer those who are wondering, yes, my pants DO have pockets in them, and I AM, in fact, rolling my marbles around down there.)

Anyway, I've given this subject a lot of thought and I have decided that when it comes to serious threats to Americans, I am in favor of profiling and torture.

Now, bear with me for a moment as I align facts and figures to bolster my newly-held position...

According to this report more than 43,000 Americans were killed in 2003... by vehicles!

I had no idea vehicles were killing that many Americans every year! This is insanity! Why do vehicles hate us?

I realize, of course, that we can't round up every vehicle and send them all to Uzbekistan or Egypt or Libya for torture until they cough up blood details on how and why they are killing Americans, and their plans for killing more Americans in the future, but we CAN profile vehicles to find the most dangerous among them!

Yeah, yeah, I know, you namby-pamby, liberal hand-wringers will start shouting, "But, Bob, what about the civil rights of SUVs (or motorcycles or whatever)?" But I am saying that we know some of these vehicles are plotting to kill Americans as I write this and it is only reasonable and rational that we ferret out these threats using any means possible before they strike!

Or maybe you just don't care about America or your fellow citizens... Maybe you're just anti-American!

So let's start NOW with SUVs. Profile every single one of them. Yes, we have to give up a little of our freedom in these times to ensure our nation's safety and security. But that is a small price to pay.

Anyone who disagrees with me will have to counter this truth:

If we round up every SUV in the United States, and at least interrogate these SUVs, and, then, send the ones that may be plotting to kill innocent American men, women and children to secret jails in countries that permit torture, or to humane (and, yes, they ARE humane!) detention camps built by a division of Halliburton, the number of American killed by SUVs will decline, and, thus, we will have saved the lives of perhaps thousands of Americans! (Just like our esteemed Vice President, Dick Cheney, has said.)

So, go ahead, you liberal whiners, and name-call (as is your wont). Sure, I'm a "fascist" because I want to ferret out threats to Americans before they strike. I don't care anymore.

Next on my list is hot dogs, the most serious choking threat in America today. I have already detailed an algorithm for profiling the most threatening hotdogs. "Coney Island Foot Longs" top the list. Am I wrong to suggest that these threats to our safety and security be placed in boiling water until they reveal their nefarious plots?

What you label "fascism," I call "common sense."

Kiss my ass, liberals!