2008 Dem Hopefuls Spar in Secret Forum

The first debate for the 2008 Democratic presidential aspirants was held at an undisclosed location this week as the first event of Howard Dean's new DNC Candidate Training Ground (DNC-CTG) program.

What follows is a partial transcript of the event, moderated by former CBS news anchor, Dan Rather:

RATHER: Welcome, all, to the--

H. CLINTON: I'll fight you, Dan Rather!

RATHER: What?  What did you--

H. CLINTON:  I'll fight you!  I'll take on you and the rest of the terrorists, single-handedly if I have to, to protect the American people!

RATHER: Um...

J. BIDEN:  Look Hillary, I like you.  I think you're a super, super gal, but --  OUCH!  Goddamn it!

H. CLINTON:  I'll bite you again, Biden!  And I'll bite the Syrians, the Iranians, the Saudis, the Kuwaitis, the Yemenis, the--

[THUD]

B. RICHARDSON: Sorry for slugging her...

RATHER:  You pack a West Texas wallop.  Continue, Governor Richardson.

B. RICHARDSON: Where are the donuts?

J. KERRY: When I was in Vietnam, we didn't have donuts.  We ate rations out of tin cans and made armor for our boats out of the cans when we were done eating.  It was a laborious process.  First, you had to cut the can with a--

RATHER: Thank you, Senator Kerry.  We'll come back to you.  Senator Bayh--

E. BAYH: Family.  It's all about family.  Not the homos.  And marriage.  That's big, too.

RATHER: Okay...  Anything else to add, Senator Bayh?

E. BAYH: The homos.

RATHER:  Uh... great.  Moving on...

J. BIDEN: That bitch drew blood!  I'll have to get a tetanus shot.

M. WARNER: Down South, we call that a "love bite."

J. EDWARDS: No we don't, Mark!  You're thinkin' of a hickey!

M. WARNER:  Oh, maybe you're right...

RATHER: Senator Edwards...

J. EDWARDS: There are two Americas--

E. BAYH:  Oh!  I know!  I know!  North America and South America!

J. EDWARDS:  Great.  The second coming of Dan Quayle...

RATHER: General Clark, you've been quiet.

W. CLARK: I can't decide if I'm going to run.  I'm waiting by the phone for a call from Bill Clinton.

RATHER: Uh, former president Clinton already has a dog in this fight, General Clark.

W. CLARK: But I figure he might hedge his bets.  His dog has rabies.

J. LIEBERMAN: Hey!  Sorry I'm late!  I was out in the parking lot wrestling Al Gore to the pavement!

J. BIDEN: You wrestled Al Gore to the pavement?!

J. LIEBERMAN: After I ran him over with my Hummer.  When he tried to get up after he crawled out from underneath the vehicle, I clocked him a good one.  From behind.

E. BAYH: Gore is a homo.  He has a lisp.

H. CLINTON: I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A TERRORIST!  I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A TERRORIST!  I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A--

[THUD]

B. RICHARDSON: Sorry about sluggin' her again. Hey, I was drafted by the Kansas City Athletics.

RATHER: Not true, Governor Richardson, now--

B. RICHARDSON: I CANNOT THINK CLEARLY WITHOUT DONUTS!

RATHER: I'll tell Dean to order some more.

E. BAYH: Dean's a homo.

J. BIDEN: Now, I like you, Evan.  You're a good guy, but--

[THUD]

B. RICHARDSON: Sorry about that, everyone.  I get cranky without donuts.  Biden will be fine...

J. KERRY: When I was in Vietnam, I--  Holy shit!  Lieberman!  You can't drive your Hummer inside the debate facility!

J. LIEBERMAN: SCREW ALL OF YOU!  I'M THE MOST QUALIFIED MAN TO BE PRESIDENT!  I WAS A VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!  AND I'M BIPARTISAN!!!

RATHER: He's drivin' like a bat outta' hell on a one-way ticket punched to nowheresville...

[CRASH]

[SILENCE]

J. LIEBERMAN: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  I got them all!  I got them-- AGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

H. CLINTON: I'll bite your other ear off, too, Lieberman!

R. FEINGOLD: What the-- I'm glad I got here late! I love the Van Gogh look, Joe!

[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]

[Edited from a post which originally appeared on Daily Kos on March 2, 2005.]