Poker in the Pokey: DeLay, Cunningham, Ney and Frist Plot Their Time in the Federal Pen

A government source handed me this transcript of a wiretapped conversation that took place last week at a local Beltway watering hole favored by Republicans...

CUNNINGHAM: You know, fellas, if we all get sent to the same federal pen, we have one helluva' a bridge game!

DELAY: Bridge? That's for pansy-asses! We're gambling!

FRIST: You can't gamble in a federal incarceration facility, Tom.

DELAY: Just the kind of pansy-ass response I'd expect from you, Doc. No wonder the Democrats kicked your ass in the Senate.

NEY: Yeah, there's nothing that a few greased palms can't fix!

CUNNINGHAM: Idiot. That's what got you in the shit you're in.

NEY: Pot meet kettle, eh, Duke?

CUNNINGHAM: Hey, I took more money than all of you guys combined. You're nickel-and-dimers compared to me. My own yacht, a Rolls Royce--

DELAY: Shut the fuck up, Duke. Just because we aren't stupid enough to flash it around like you, doesn't mean we didn't cash in.

FRIST: Hold on there a minute, Tom. All I did was bail on some family stock before it tanked.

DELAY: Pansy-ass. No drug company money under the table?

FRIST: Oh, sure, maybe a little...

DELAY: Jobs for your old lady and kids or other relatives?

FRIST: Here and there, sure...

NEY: Golf trips to Scotland on Lear jets?

FRIST: No, not that.

NEY: That was fun!

DELAY: You missed out there, Doc!

CUNNINGHAM: I didn't have time to golf. I was too busy buyin' shit.

NEY: You're always bragging, Duke.

CUNNINGHAM: I built a home theater that just kicks fucking ass. Cost one of the defense contractors $67,000 to build this thing out.

DELAY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, when we're all in the slammer, I'm gonna' clean your clock playing five card stud, Dukie. I'll own you by the time we get out.

FRIST: I hope I don't go.

DELAY: You're not gonna' start cryin' now, Doc, are ya'?

FRIST: I don't think I'd last in prison.

NEY: You and Martha Stewart.

CUNNINGHAM: Don't taunt him because he's crying. I cried when I admitted to all this shit.

NEY: Great act, by the way.

CUNNINGHAM: That was no act! I was picturing all this great shit just disappearing... the yacht, the Rolls, the home theater... Christ! No more watching "Die Hard" over and over on the huge screen with the volume blasting.

FRIST: Well, I'm not going!

DELAY: Bullshit, Doc. You're going. I'll own you in the joint, too.

FRIST: No! No! I'm not going! I'm not going!

NEY: These fuckin' Senate guys are such babies...

DELAY: No shit.

CUNNINGHAM: I'll miss my yacht.

DELAY: Shut up about your yacht, Duke. Anyone want to play dollar bill poker?

[BILL BENNETT walks up]

BENNETT: Someone say "poker?" I'm game!

[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]