Today's Subversive Letter-to-the-Editor Templates

Many of you have probably read comedian Don Novello's (Father Guido Sarducci) series of books, The Lazlo Letters.

The books contain Novello's written exchanges with celebrities, corporations, politicians and other public figures under the guise of his crazed, letter-writing American patriot, Lazlo Toth. (Nice interview with Bob Garfield here.)

I've always enjoyed the subversiveness of the Lazlo books and have long carried on a subversive tradition of my own: attacking wingnuttery with letters-to-the-editor that out-wingnut the wingnuts.

Sure, many of the wackiest wingnuts won't see themselves when this mirror is held up to their views, but I know that more than a few (some of whom I know quite well) cringe when they see the reality and hypocrisy of their positions exposed in such a public forum. And many party-neutral voters will wonder, "What the hell is wrong with these people?"

So today I begin a series of periodic posts providing letter-to-the-editor templates for subversive letters we can send to our local papers.

Today's subject: Bush the Decider and Don Rumsfeld

The great thing about Bush's inane comment yesterday ("I'm the decider") is that we can use his own words in letters of support that sound just as stupid as they did when they left his mouth. And we can repeat his inanity, ad nauseum.

I present three options: coherent, mildly incoherent, ranting lunacy.

Feel free to cut and paste and send to your own paper. You can explain all this to your liberal friends after the fact... And then enlist them into the project, too!

OPTION A: Wingnut who can actually string sentences together

To the editor:

I was heartened to see President Bush declare yesterday, "I am the decider" when it comes to the future of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. Those calling for Mr. Rumsfeld to resign, particularly during a time of war, are undermining our efforts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq, even if the people there would prefer to have a civil war. In addition, these critics are not the deciders. Mr. Rumsfeld and all members of the President's staff and cabinet serve at the President's discretion. George Bush is the decider. And I stand by his claim to that title.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION B: Classic ignorant wingnut

To the editor:

Donald Rumsfeld should not resign. These generals and Democrats who are on a witchhunt for him should be quiet. Our brave men and women are fighting to bring all the freedoms we enjoy to Iraqis, like freedom of expression. And we have people in our own country who undercut our democracy fighters by attacking the President and Secretary Rumsfeld. As President Bush said yesterday, he is the decider on this, not some lazy, retired general living off our tax dollars with a fat pension.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION C: Batshit insane wingnut
[NOTE: You may have to try and slip a fake name past the paper's censors/checkers with this one. To much possible backlash.]

To the editor:

The retired generals and Democrats screaming for Rumsfeld to quit should be tried for treason! We're in a war with people who want to kill every last one of us! If these criticizers love Muslims so much, let them move to Muslimia! We have brave soldiers in Iraq getting blown up almost daily just so Iraqis can have what we have -- freedom! And Iraqis want freedom so much they are blowing each other up, too, just to see who can get control of their freedom! And we won't win with traitors in our midst! President Bush is the decider on Donald Rumsfeld, not the criticizers. They remind me of Benedict Arnolds.

- Bob Johnson

Give it a whirl! Works on any subject.

More later...

What I bought at the bazaar

I was on a business trip to Afghanistan this week, helping President Hamid Karzai come up with marketing strategies to win over regional warlords Afghan political leaders when I simply ran out of hard drive space on my Dell Inspiron 6400®*.

Faced with the dilemma of not being able to produce a really cool PowerPoint Hamid could use to convince these brutal drug lords lovers of Afhanistan's new-found freedom and democracy to join his government and "stop killing every goddamned government official I send to their regions", I went looking for a computer shop where I could buy a flash memory stick.

As I walked through the local Bagram bazaar, gnoshing on kabobs and hummus and buying traditional Afghan caps (pakols) and robes for friends and family back home, I came across two different merchants selling "used" memory sticks. Against my better judgement (never put a used memory stick into your computer's USB port if you're not sure where it's been!), I bought a used stick. After all, I was desperate.

I plugged the stick into the USB and this message instantly popped up onto my screen:

PROPERTY OF DONALD RUMSFELD - TOP SECRET - HIGHLY CLASSIFIED - DO NOT READ THIS - I WILL HAVE YOUR SORRY ASS CANNED, CANED AND SHIPPED TO UZBEKISTAN IF YOU READ EVEN A SINGLE WORD OF WHAT IS ON THIS THING AND YES THIS MEANS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE NOT ME!

Okay, I thought, now what? Should I turn this in to my American handlers and tell them I bought this at the Bagram bazaar? Of course, doing that would be admitting that I looked at the stick's contents, therefore subjecting myself to god-knows-what kind of torture in Uzbekistan. Plus, they'd never believe me. Donald Rumsfeld would never be stupid enough to leave something this important just laying around where the cleaning lady could pick it up.

I decided to keep it. And curiosity got the better of me. I scanned through the files on the memory stick...

How to properly ice your scrotum
Place a bag of crushed ice in...

Nevermind. You don't want to read that. Neither did I, frankly. The note was signed by Rumsfeld's doctor.

But I found this file interesting...

Cheney notes
Use the following information about Cheney selectively to keep him off-balance:
* Drunk off his ass when he shot Whittington
* Drunk most days by Noon
* Has had 14 unannounced heart attacks since January 2000
* Talks to himself constantly, often yelling loudly, "Go fuck yourself! Go fuck yourself!"
* Wears pantyhose -- claims for medical reasons, but a staffer told me Cheney said he "just likes the way they feel."
* Hates Bush with a burning passion
* Generally, hates everyone with a burning passion
* Doesn't know where he is frequently -- constantly asking staff, "Is this the bunker?" when he's actually in his office.
* Not nearly as smart as me
* Farts... a lot
* Has funneled billions of dollars into Swiss bank accounts through Halliburton money-laundering operation -- way more than me (THIS IS A BIG ONE!)
* Can't dance for shit.

And what about this file on Condi Rice?

Rice notes
Untrustworthy bitch out to get me. Use this info selectively to knock her off stride, and, perhaps, take her out:

* Not nearly as hot as she thinks she is
* Colored
* Grinds teeth constantly -- has severe jaw and dental problems as a result
* May be certifiably insane according DoD psychiatrists who listened to her tapped, private phone calls
* Has used State Department jet to fly to Paris on shopping spree
* Bought French stuff
* Eats escargot constantly so her breath reeks
* Biggest Bush ass-kisser in the Cabinet
* Possible lesbo -- unconfirmed, but what the hell, I can always leak the rumor
* Hair is actually kinky Afro (saw her without hair gel on equatorial Africa trip), not flip thing she wears -- she IS colored (I know I already put that one on the list)
* Has her own stash of tactical nukes in a bunker in Pennsylvania somewhere -- claims they're in case we get attacked and Bush and Cheney are incapacitated
* Okay dancer, but not that great considering she's colored

And, finally, this file on Bush...

Bush notes
God, how I hate this guy. (Got that in common with Cheney.) What a fucking dumbass. Some shit on Bush:

* Idiot -- one of the dumbest people I have ever met
* Lazy -- hasn't done a full day's work - cumulatively - since taking office
* Doesn't read a goddamn thing -- ever
* Giggles like a little boy caught with his dick in his hand -- embarrassing when we're meeting with world leaders
* Sleeps through most meetings
* Once asked me, "Am I in charge of the Army and stuff?" (I told him, "No, I am." He seemed satisfied, even happy)
* Has no idea what me and Cheney are up to -- that's good
* Actually believes we all like him
* One time showed up to an emergency meeting in the Sit Room in his boxers -- said he didn't have time to get dressed
* Makes disparaging remarks about Rice behind her back -- calls her "the kitchen help"
* Hates his old man - once told me after a few drinks that the old man told him he was stupid just about every day of his life growing up - kind of sad I suppose, but I don't give a fuck, frankly
* Too stupid to know how to skim money out of no-bid contracts, so we don't tell him about it (Cheney wanted to cut him in so he'd have culpability, too, but I said, "Fuck him")
* Scared shitless of me so he will never fire me, no matter how fucked up things get in Iraq
* Did send a few deals to his sleazy brother, Neil, and to his old man and the Carlyle Group, especially on hurricane crap in Florida where the other sleazeball brother (Jeb) could cover for the the lot of them
* Drunk damn near every day
* On anti-depressants -- has been since October 2000
* Does IN FACT wear a wire and earpiece at most public appearances so shitball Rove can tell him what to say -- too stupid to actually think on his own
* Doesn't do a thing without Rove's approval
* Calls Rove "mommy" -- and he doesn't do it jokingly
* Doesn't get that I'm making fun of him most of the time, like when I buy him a bag of pretzels
* Can't dance for shit -- or ride a bike for that matter

There is a lot more on this memory stick that I may post later. If you don't hear from me for after this, just assume I've been swept up and sent to Uzbekistan.

By the way, I did finish creating the PowerPoint for Karzai. It's really good. I think he'll be getting the vicious, violent drug barons democracy-loving political powerhouses in Afghanistan to participate in the government very soon!

Fingers crossed!

*[DISCLOSURE: I am being paid a nominal product placement placement fee by Dell Computer Corporation]

D.C. Shocker: DeLay, Doyle Provide Scientific Evidence of Evolution

I was perusing the front page of today's New York Times when I read this exciting story:

Fossil Called Missing Link From Sea to Land Animals

Scientists have discovered fossils of a 375-million-year-old fish, a large scaly creature not seen before, that they say is a long-sought missing link in the evolution of some fishes from water to a life walking on four limbs on land.

...

In the fishes' forward fins, the scientists found evidence of limbs in the making. There are the beginnings of digits, proto-wrists, elbows and shoulders. The fish also had a flat skull resembling a crocodile's, a neck, ribs and other parts that were similar to four-legged land animals known as tetrapods.

The animal was described as having sharp teeth and was classified as a predator.

Later in the morning, I heard a radio interview about this fossil discovery with a prominent evolutionary biologist (his name escapes me at the moment) who suggested that, like many evolutionary changes, scientists speculate that crawling out of the water or into shallower waters allowed the animal to escape pursuit by larger predators, an adaptation known as "predator avoidance."

Further along in The Times front section I came across this article and put two and two together:

Official Resists Extradition on Charge Involving Internet and Sex

WASHINGTON, April 5 -- The Department of Homeland Security's deputy press secretary (Brian J. Doyle) appeared in a Maryland state court on Wednesday and refused extradition to Florida, where he faces charges of using the Internet to seduce someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl.

Brian Doyle is just like the animal of the fossil discovery: a predator of smaller creatures seeking to steer clear of bigger predators out to get him, in this case a Polk County detective and the Polk County prosecutor.

Brian Doyle is adapting and evolving before our eyes!

And how else to explain Tom DeLay's sudden departure from the House?  What a study in evolution!

DeLay goes from an exterminator (a job which, no doubt, led to the adaptation and evolution of cockroaches seeking to survive his fumigating), to being a bully and predator in the House of Representatives, to being the hunted, himself, sought by state and federal prosecutors on a myriad of charges.  And rather than hang in there and face the music, DeLay scurries away like one of the very cockroaches he used to fumigate!

Talk about symmetry in evolution.  We are witnessing evolution on a daily basis in the very people who discount the theory of evolution!

Oh, sure, there will always be those folks out there who posit that the Earth is only 6,000-years-old, but even they are being forced to adapt and evolve on the fly.  Witness this from The Times fossil story:

Dr. Shubin's team played down the fossil's significance in the raging debate over Darwinian theory, which is opposed mainly by some conservative Christians in this country, but other scientists were not so reticent. They said this should undercut the argument that there is no evidence in the fossil record of one kind of creature becoming another kind.

One creationist site on the Web (emporium.turnpike.net/C/cs /evid1.htm) declares that "there are no transitional forms," adding: "For example, not a single fossil with part fins, part feet has been found. And this is true between every major plant and animal kind."

Dr. Novacek responded: "We've got Archaeopteryx, an early whale that lived on land, and now this animal showing the transition from fish to tetrapod. What more do we need from the fossil record to show that the creationists are flatly wrong?"

On second thought, many of the creationists and religious hard-righties have, apparently, stopped adapting and evolving:

The Rev. Virl Murray, of Midway Assembly of God, said he does not believe in any kind of evolution.

"It's all speculation--could haves and would haves," Murray said. "When it comes down to the Bible they say there is no proof. Well, there's no proof here. They don't know what they have."

Murray said some things are unexplainable.

"There's an aspect in man that is unanswerable," he said. "We just have to accept that his ways are beyond finding out. Look at all of the unanswered questions in this world."

I have an unanswered question, Reverend...

The Stegosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut.  It is extinct.  Why are you still here?