Friday, December 16, 2005

Official National Security Agency (NSA) logs on my calls and e-mails


Official: Bush authorized spying multiple times

NEW YORK - President Bush has personally authorized a secretive eavesdropping program in the United States more than three dozen times since October 2001, a senior intelligence official said Friday night.

Friends in high places. I have a few. One of them managed to get me the NSA logs of my e-mail and phone conversations dating from early 2002.

A sampling...

First, a phone call from Fall 2002:

October 2, 2002, 6:17 p.m., phone conversation transcript


BOB JOHNSON (BJ): Hi, honey, it's me. Craig and Jeff and I are meeting for a beer after work downtown.

UP: What about the bathroom?

BJ: The bath-- Oh shit!

UP: You said you were going to paint the bathroom tonight.

BJ: I'm sorry. I forgot about that.

UP: Great. That's just great.

BJ: I'll do it when I get home.

UP: Yeah, right. At 11:30 after you've had five or six beers.

BJ: I will!

UP: Whatever. [Unintelligible]

BJ: Please don't call me that.

[CLICK - hang up]

This e-mail exchange was from June 14, 2003:


TO: Julie Schwartz
FROM: Bob Johnson
SUBJECT: Photograph choices


While we loved the design and the choice of photographs, the client didn't like the photograph of the older gentleman hang gliding. They said that would scare the elderly audience, many of whom have hard time making it from their comfy chairs to the bathroom.

Can you try something more sedate?


TO: Bob Johnson
FROM: Julie Schwartz
SUBJECT: re: Photograph choices

So what do you want? Some older person wearing Depends?

TO: Julie Schwartz
FROM: Bob Johnson
SUBJECT: re: re: Photograph choices


Please don't do this to me. Life is hard enough. Just find something a little more relaxing than hang gliding.

TO: Bob Johnson
FROM: Julie Schwartz
SUBJECT: re: re: re: Photograph choices

Try this.

TO: Julie Schwartz
FROM: Bob Johnson
SUBJECT: re: re: re: re: Photograph choices

An old man in a coffin is not cool.

This phone call from early 2004 included a hand-written notation:

Cryptography is running these code numbers through systems attempting to discern the contents of this discussion. Will inform when cryptographic review is complete.

January 11, 2004, 7:18 p.m., phone conversation transcript


BOB JOHNSON: I'd like to place an order for delivery.

UP: Hode peace.


UP: I take order.

BJ: Two number threes, a number seven, a number 39, a number 46, and two number 49s.

UP: Two number three, number seven, number 39, number 36, two number 49.

BJ: Correct.

UP: Address.


UP: Cash or charge.

BJ: Charge, Mastercard [REDACTED], expiration [REDACTED]

UP: Any coupon?

BJ: Free spring rolls.

UP: Okay. Forty-five minute.

BJ: Okay.

[CLICK - hang up]

Finally, this e-mail from last week included the following hand-written notation, scrawled in large letters in red ink:

Who has blown our cover????!!! This is a BIG, BIG problem!!!!!!

TO: Bob Johnson
FROM: Lisa
SUBJECT: NSA sex in your area!

How would you like to meet hot women in your area looking for NSA sex? Our new web service links hot, sex-starved women with our members!

Just click here to join:


A response to the notation in red reads thusly:

I think in this case, NSA stands for "no strings attached." I think we're okay.

There are more just as exciting revelations from my NSA file. I will publish more later.

Thanks for reading.


At 12/17/2005 9:39 PM, Blogger Cedwyn said...

effin' hilarious! classic bob johnson!

i've added you to both of my blogrolls!

At 12/17/2005 9:49 PM, Blogger Carnacki said...

Bob, I posted the other day that the NSA asked me to spice up my life because I was putting their agents to sleep.

Fuckers. My life is plenty exciting. Why just the other day I painted the mud room an exciting shade of brown.

And I have a new table saw.

And a possum died outside my cellar door.

How much more excitement is one man supposed to generate?

At 12/18/2005 11:50 AM, Blogger Bob Johnson said...

Hi cewdwyn and carnacki,

Thanks for the comments.

carnacki, your life sounds far more exciting than my own. Especially the opossum corpse.

Sounds like a case for CSI: Wild Animals.

At 12/18/2005 12:10 PM, Blogger macdust said...

I am being held responsible for NSA agents' jerking off all day, too.

At 1/04/2006 9:05 AM, Blogger Brett said...

Reminds me of Dave Barry's work...great job!


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