Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Bush writes own State of the Union. I have advance copy.

My friend who has access to the upper echelons of power within the White House slipped me a copy of Bush's State of the Union address... The one Bush wrote, himself, prior to being told by Karl Rove, "There's no fucking way we let you read ANYTHING you wrote yourself! Got that, asshole?"

Bush's notes to his staff are noted within parenthesis.

So, without further ado, I present George W. Bush's State of the Union... In his own words:

Hi, evryone. Itz me George W. Bush yor prezidint.

In these hallowd chambers (I like using terms like hallowd chambers even tho I don't no what it means) In these hallowd chambers bills get presinted and past. Jujes get upper down votes. Speachis get made. Importint decizens get dun. In these hallowd chambers. (I am uzing that one a lot to show that I can uze terms like hallowd chambers okay?)

So wut have we dun this year hear? All kinze of stuff. Stuff that helps the American peepil. But we have much more stuff to do to help the American peepil. Like cutting taxes in these hallowd chambers. (Iz it it ok to uze it agin?)

We have fawt a war to fite teririzm wile fiteing terirists over whair we are fiteing the war. And we are stil fiteing that war over there so we don't haf to fite a war over here. In these hallowd chambers. (Wil thay clap hear?)

We wil not stop fiteing the terirists until we kil them all. All of them. Kil kil kil! (I bet thay clap hear for shur.)

We mus fite the terirists ware thay liv. Like in plasis aroun the wirld and stuff. We wil go get them with secret boms and uther stuff we maik that can fine terirists and blow them up! (I bet evrywon wil be gone crazy hear!)

An we wil spie on terirists so we no ware thay wil go to be terirists and to do teririst atax on Americans. So we haf to spie! Spie spie spie so we can kil kil kil. Becuz my job as prezidint iz to maik all of you saif. An to be saif we haf to spie. Jus on the terirists. Not on uther peepil. You haf my werd.

We did uther stuff this year to like um like we like (put sumthing in hear pleaz about sum uther stuff we did this year.)

And the Medicare drug thing is good (How cum eefin my mom sez this is efft up? Huh?)
We kep pricis low (Oil is to scairy rite now)
We fixt Soshil Sacurety so peepil can poot thair muney is uther stuff (Nefermine)
I wen on a lot of vacashins (Maibe this is not good)

In these hallowd chambers. We ilectid Juj Aleeto to tha Soopreem Cort. (I will poynt to Juj Aleeto hear.) My niknaim for him is Pipeeto. (I wil laf hear.) Hi Pipeeto! He is up thair nex to my wife! (I wil poin to him agin hear.) (I expec to get a good laf hear.)

An we ilectid Juj Robertson to the Soopreem Cort! (I wil poynt to Juj Robertson hear in the frunt roe.)

We wil werk together with the uther side to do uther importint stuff like (I cant think of anything for hear)

Oh we wil sen a astronut to Marz! (Is that rite? Is it Marz or is it unuther planit?)

(I wil waiv an wink an smile at peepil in the awdeens hear.)

Thank you and God bless America! (Peepil wil stan up and chear hear.)

(I no it is a short speech but I wan to go to bed erlee on Toozday nite becuz I wil be tired frum practissing my speech.)

We'll see how much of this speech he'll use tonight. Keep your ears open.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Can't tell the haters without a scorecard

C'mon, people! Sing along with me!

People who hate people...
Are the luckiest people...
In the world...

I love the haters, cloaking themselves in religion and/or righteousness, wishing death upon those with whom they disagree. Seems to be an increasingly popular activity these days...

Poison Justice Stevens, Coulter jokes

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas (AP) -- Conservative commentator Ann Coulter, speaking at a traditionally black college, joked that Justice John Paul Stevens should be poisoned.

Coulter had told the Philander Smith College audience Thursday that more conservative justices were needed on the Supreme Court to change the current law on abortion.

Stevens is one of the court's most liberal members.

"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee," Coulter said. "That's just a joke, for you in the media."

Robertson suggests God smote Sharon
Evangelist links Israeli leader's stroke to 'dividing God's land'

(CNN) -- Television evangelist Pat Robertson suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza, which Robertson opposed.

"He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America,'" Robertson told viewers of his long-running television show, "The 700 Club."

"God says, 'This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone,'" he said.

Pat Robertson calls for assassination of Hugo Chavez

VIRGINIA BEACH (AP) — Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson suggested on-air that American operatives assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism."

Osama bin Laden Promises More Attacks on United States

Jan. 19, 2006 — Osama bin Laden's threats on a newly released audiotape should be taken very seriously, terrorism experts warned today.

On the tape, bin Laden warns that al Qaeda is making preparations for attacks on the United States. It appears to be the most explicit warning bin Laden has ever made of a pending attack on the United States.

Okay, so here's the scorecard:

• The first quote is from Ann Coulter. She's the 5'-12", bottle-blond, anorexic, Republican cross-dresser with the bulging Adam's Apple (gives her/him away).

• The second and third quotes are from that short-of-stature, eyes-agape, big-eared lunatic, Pat Robertson, who is forever calling upon God to smote those he considers infidels/sinners/enemies.

• The last quote is from the world-renowned hater, Osama bin Laden. When last seen, this tall, anorexic loon was heavily-bearded, wearing cammos, and toting a Kalashnikov. (I know, I know. Could be a description of Castro, too.)

Now, Bush says we should be worried about this third character, the bearded guy, bin Laden. (Even though last year at this time, Bush said he was "not worried about bin Laden"... Go figure.)

Should we be worried about the other two, one of whom is calling for the murder of a Supreme Court Justice, and the other who is calling for the death of one world leader and the murder of another?

See what I mean?

You need a scorecard to keep all these haters straight.

And these folks are just the tip of the iceberg. I had a sit down interview with Christ (the Christ of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and James Dobson, to name just a few of the haters flying under the fundamentalist banner these days), and even this particular Lord and Savior seemed to be on the hate bandwagon.

(Just a note... He's also a tall, skinny guy with a beard. No camo or Kalashnikov when I spoke with him, though.)

The whole thing gets so damn confusing. Maybe it's time for a simple handbook that can identify these haters, kind of like an Audubon Field Guide except substituting haters for birds or wildflowers or butterflies.

If Coulter grew a beard, donned camos, and tucked her bleached locks under a turban, could you tell her from Osama bin Laden? Just askin'...

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Poetry of Dick Cheney

For the safety and security of the person(s) involved, I cannot reveal how these authenticated pages of The Poetry of Dick Cheney came into my possession.

These poems were scribbled in the pages of a handsome, leather-bound, oiled Moleskine Journal.

I am reproducing some of the poems here to offer insight into the mind of the man who many call "The Dark Lord." Please leave your reactions and comments, below.

Thank you.


Halle Berry, Halli Burton.
are fine
by me.


George, the fool,
Makes his old man look like a genius,
And he was a tool,

My Ticker

It stops,
It starts,
I flops,
I farts,
I wish I had,
Two hearts!

A back-up ticker,
That wouldn't flicker,
When the first one quits.

It thumps,
It skips,
Me rumps,
Me hips,
They hit the floor,
Me pants splits.

A back-up ticker,
A constant clicker,
When the first one quits.

In fits,
And starts,
It spits,
It darts,
I wish I had,
Two hearts.

A back-up ticker,
A steady kicker,
When the first one quits.

Shoot the Damn Thing!

Hunting with Scalia,
My prostate acting up,
"I got to go pee-a!"
He says, "Use a cup."

Just then the geese emerge,
From `neath the hazy gauze,
Me, with little Dickie in hand,
While a bead, Salia draws.

"Shoot the damn thing," I shout!
Unable to squeeze out a drop,
While Scalia pulls his trigger,
And his gun lets out a "POP!"

"Goddamn it," Tony bellows,
"You made me miss my shot!"
"My prostate," I explain,
"Urinate, it will not."


It's money I love,
More than my wife,
More than torture,
(Almost) more than life.

Not just for me,
But for my homies,
In the parlance of the press,
My "Halliburton cronies."

If I could still get hard,
And money was a hole,
I hit it every chance,
With my little Dickie pole.

I know that must sound sick,
But you may fail to comprehend,
That power comes from money,
It sends me `round the bend.

Uz Beck and Call?

I admire the Uzbeck way of extracting,

I have more of Dick Cheney's poetry that I may add to this post as time permits.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has given you new insight into the soul (as it is) of our Vice President.

JUST ADDED: Additional selections from Mr. Cheney's notebook:

Max Protect

In my bunker,
See me hunker,
Down, down, down.

Me and Rummy,
No George -- dummy,
Clown, clown, clown.

From this hideout,
Wielding my clout,
In a long, black gown.

Rummy-O, Rummy-O,
Wherefore art thou, Rummy-O?


Some say it's perpetual,
My anti-intellectual,

Some call it a smirk,
And claim I'm a jerk,

I have a reply,
A one finger "Goodbye,"

Go fuck yourself.

I will add further selections as time permits...

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Justice Department gets my Google search records

News item:

Google Resists U.S. Subpoena of Search Data

Published: January 20, 2006

SAN FRANCISCO, Jan. 19 - The Justice Department has asked a federal judge to compel Google, the Internet search giant, to turn over records on millions of its users' search queries as part of the government's effort to uphold an online pornography law.

While news reports have noted that Google is fighting the Justice Department's demand to turn over a week's worth of search records for millions of users, a friend -- highly placed in the Department -- said that Justice had succeeded in downloading the records of a limited number of individuals from Google before the search giant pulled the plug on the practice.

I was among those limited few whose records fell into Justice Department hands.

What follows are partial transcripts of my Google searches, both primary and secondary, for the week of December 11 - 17, 2005, along with relevant notations from Justice Department officials (italics).

My comments on these files will appear outside of the blockquote.

United States Department of Justice

Search records for: Bob Johnson
Week of: December 11, 2005 - December 17, 2005
Search engine: Google

Search date/time: 12-11-05/09:58:12
Primary search: dog style
Secondary search(es): Dog style photo essay
Notes: Disgusting search. As the AG always says, missionary is not only preferred, it should be the law. We'll look into these links and see if any of the photos contain underage participants.

Search date/time:12-12-05/13:19:03
Primary search: disobedient dog
Secondary search(es): The Cocked-Leg Cure
Notes: Looking into this one. Could be an S&M search and then he clicks through to a cock site. Will check and report.

Search date/time: 12-14-05/20:02:51
Primary search: bitch mating
Secondary search(es): The Bitch in Heat
Notes: What a perv! These "bitches" better be of age, or this creep is goin' down!

Search date/time: 12-15-05/22:19:46
Primary search: ball screw shaft
Secondary search(es): Ensuring Ball-Screw Performance
Notes: Looks like our pal here is having a little trouble with "performance." Loser. Maybe we should send him a Viagra link! Ha-ha!

Search date/time:12-13-05/09:18:28
Primary search: pedal file
Secondary search(es): Pedal File review
Notes: This looks BIG! This guy is looking up pedal file stuff! Forward this one on to the AG, pronto!

I will note that this is only a partial transcript of my searches for that week, and there may be others, including cheney fascist asshole, that were not included here.

I have yet to be contacted by anyone from the Justice Department. However, this should serve as a cautionary tale to us all.

See you in Gitmo.

Friday, January 20, 2006

America! Let's solve our problems by not solving them!

PROBLEM #1: Fat America

News item:

2 Approaches to the Nation's Obesity Epidemic Coming Up for Review

Published: January 17, 2006

Two new approaches to weight loss are up for review by federal regulators. And they represent vastly different solutions to the nation's obesity epidemic - for consumers and for the companies behind the drugs.

One, called Acomplia, would be a prescription pill to control appetite by blocking the same brain receptors that stimulate the "munchies" in marijuana smokers. Some financial analysts see Acomplia as the most promising new drug of the year, and they predict multibillion-dollar sales eventually for its maker, the French company Sanofi-Aventis.

The other, with the proposed name Alli, is a weight-loss drug that works by blocking the body's absorption of fat. Since 1999 it has been sold in the United States as the prescription medication Xenical. GlaxoSmithKline is proposing an over-the-counter version, a prescription-quality alternative to the diet remedies available in drugstore aisles and over the Internet.

Um, these are "vastly different solutions?" Vastly different than what?

I have an idea. How about educating people in every way possible about eating healthy and ingesting less fat-laden crap? How about insisting that our schools serve healthy foods as part of this educational program? How about increasing the amount of exercise our kids get everyday, in and out of school?

What's that you say? That's a bad idea? Oh... Just give `em a pill! Of course! What was I thinking?!

McDonald's and Taco Bell can contnue to peddle garbage masquerading as food, and the drug companies can make money fixing the problems all that fat creates! It's a win-win!

I'm with you now! I love capitalism! One hand feeds the other (so to speak).

Nevermind the astronomical costs in healthcare, lost worker productivity, and the early deaths of thousands and thousands of Americans each year from complications of obesity.

PROBLEM #2: Oil - Limited supply, soaring prices, no plan to reduce dependency

News item 1:

Kuwait oil reserves only half official estimate-PIW

LONDON, Jan 20 (Reuters) - OPEC producer Kuwait's oil reserves are only half those officially stated, according to internal Kuwaiti records seen by industry newsletter Petroleum Intelligence Weekly (PIW).

"PIW learns from sources that Kuwait's actual oil reserves, which are officially stated at around 99 billion barrels, or close to 10 percent of the global total, are a good deal lower, according to internal Kuwaiti records," the weekly PIW reported on Friday.

News item 2:

US sees Iraqi oil production choked for years

Iraq has vast hydrocarbon potential that could rival major producers such as Saudi Arabia and Russia, but United States government analysts are predicting that Iraqi oil production development will remain thwarted for years to come.

Let's see now... Kuwait has been lying about its oil reserves and the world actually has 5% less oil than previously believed. Iraq is a mess and it's oil delivery system may be devastated for years to come. Iran may soon be blown to bits. China is gobbling up oil faster than it can be sucked from the ground...

And our government is doing what, exactly, to reduce our oil consumption? Giving big tax breaks to companies that buy gaz guzzlers like Hummers?

Makes sense to me!

Oh, but we need to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve so we can be "energy self-sufficient!" That'll solve our energy problems! If it wasn't for those damn environmental Nazis...


According to this Department of Energy assessment of the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWR) oil field:

The USGS made the following estimates in 1998 of technically recoverable oil and natural gas liquids from the ANWR Coastal Plain:

* There is a 95 percent probability (a 19 in 20 chance) that at least 5.7 billion barrels of oil are recoverable.

* There is a 5 percent probability (a 1 in 20 chance) that at least 16 billion barrels of oil are recoverable.

* The mean (expected value) estimate is 10.3 billion barrels of recoverable oil.

Gee, wonder what our daily oil consumption was last year... Oh! Here it is!

Consumption of petroleum in the US reached record highs in 2005, climbing 1.7% over 2004 levels to an average 20.7 million barrels per day (7.5 billion barrels annually), according to data from the DOE’s Energy Information Administration.

So we'd get a year, maybe a year-and-a-half's worth of oil out of the Arctic. Well, that solves everything! No need to reduce consumption! We have 12 to 18 months worth of oil where the polar bears, musk oxen and caribou roam along, with the 135 species of birds that call the refuge home.

Hey, tough luck, creatures! I want to drive my tax-break Hummer!

Damn environmental Nazis...

Money talks. And having the reigning powers in this country in the pockets of the pharmaceutical and energy industries (to name just two) means we ignore the real issues and plaster over the fault lines with money-making plans for these favored industries. (Nevermind the train-wreck, big-pharma-giveaway that is Medicare D.)

Oh, and we've turned the corner in Iraq, too.

I know, I know, I'm a traitor and I need to be spied upon without a warrant.

I hope Glaxo can come up with an anti-traitor pill.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I just banned myself from my own blog.

Read the comments, below.

I originally was going to make this blog entry a rant against the spineless Senate Democrats who have decided not to filibuster Alito. But before I could even get the post out, the battle, below, ensued between myself and myself. One side argued for bashing the Democrats, and the other told me to support the Party or shut the hell up.

Ultimately, the violent argument resulted in me banning myself from my blog.

I'm not sure how this is going to work, but this may be my last post here.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

I talked to Christ today

I had a sit down interview with Jesus Christ today. It was enlightening and disturbing all at once.

We started with Ariel Sharon.

He told me Sharon should die for handing over territory -- holy ground -- to the heathen, pagan, Islamic Palestinian devils.

He was pissed. He said, "Fuck that fat old Jew."

I interrupted, "Weren't you a Jew?"

"Virgin birth, dipshit. I was part of God, not some big-nosed cult."

Oh, Christ was riled up. Next, he took off after the homos.

"Fucking fags," Christ said. "That shit they do makes me sick."

I asked Him why, if He struck down Ariel Sharon for giving away land, He didn't attack the homosexuals, too.

"I'm working on it," He said, plucking bits of food from between His teeth with a toothpick. "Goddamned scientific advances are fucking with my plans," He added without a trace of irony.

I said, "That makes no sense. You're all-powerful. Why don't you just give all the homosexuals massive strokes?"

He glared.

"Don't fuck with me, asshole, or you'll be clutching your chest in just a second."

"Okay, but you could just--"

He cut me off.

"I'll take care of the fags in my own good time."

I let the homosexual issue drop. But I asked, "How come you let a conservative judge throw out the Dover, Pennsylvania Intelligent Design curriculum?"

"I'm a busy guy," He said, annoyed. "I'll schedule something for that asshat judge someday soon. It's on my calendar."

I told Christ I was surprised at His vindictiveness and general mean-spiritedness. This was not the Christ I studied throughout my years in a Catholic elementary school.

He was inscensed at my observations.

"You're judging me? What the fuck!"

"I'm just telling you what I see."

"I am Jesus Fucking Christ, man! And you're judging me?"

"Look, it's just that--"

"No, you 'look.' I am the man, you got that? The Man! I own it all and I can do as I damn well please. That's my prerogative as Jesus Christ."

"But why the nastiness? What's with giving a guy a massive stroke? Or nailing New Orleans with a huge hurricane? What is up with that, Jesus? The Jesus Christ I studied was a loving God, not a punishing, vengeful, vindictive God."

"You are skating on very thin ice, my friend," Christ intoned. "I've got a nice place here in Heaven and I intend to keep it that way. It's the ultimate gated community. And now that I have everything just the way I like it, I want to keep the riff-raff out. Riff-raff like you. And that fat Jew who gave away the Holy Land. And all the queers. And the filthy Muslims. And the rest of the slime."

"But, hold on a second, there, Jesus. Haven't you and your Father created every living creature? How can you hate the creatures you created?"

"Hey, even we fuck up," He said. "We make these new ones and then they use their free will to pull shit like believing in some other God. We've been contemplating doing away with the whole 'free will' thing. Too goddamned messy."

I asked Him if He was disappointed with wars and murders and violence on Earth, some of it carried out in His very name.

"It is what it is," He said with a seemingly resigned shrug of His shoulders. "Everything hasn't turned out like Dad planned it originally. Hell, I had to be painfully killed, supposedly to make everything right again. Look how that's worked out."

I must say it was a bit depressing to see Christ so... worn out.

When I observed that He seemed a little bitter and that His bitterness may explain the mean-spirited vindictiveness exhibited by Him of late, he reacted with a surprising reflectiveness.

"Yeah, maybe I just need to get away from everything for a while. Take some time off. Clear my head. I got to talk to the Old Man."

With that, He ascended back to Heaven.

I hope He gets His much-needed respite.

Author's note: This is the Jesus Christ of Rev. Pat Robertson, Rev. James Dobson and other preachers of the right.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I worshipped a squirrel: My quest to discover the meaning of life

I feel a deep need to share with you the story of my spiritual journey... from birth to the present. It is the sort of soul-baring, soul-searing experience which I hope may help others who read this while on their own quests for meaning. Please read this and let me know if it has helped you in any way in your own life.

Thank you.

It all started when I was born.  Emerging from my mother's womb into the bright lights of the delivery room was my first religious experience.  Many people have described near-death experiences as heading down a long tunnel toward an intense, white light.

Well, I found that my birth experience was remarkably similar to that typical near-death experience.

You would think that since the experiences were so analagous, I would have had a "near-birth" experience.  But no.  I was actually born.


After emerging into this blinding white light, I immediately began speaking in tongues. My parents and the doctor thought it was simply some unusual baby gibberish, but a Haitian nurse recognized it as an obscure Caribbean/African dialect.  

And what I was saying (translated below) was startling...

"On the Thirteenth Day of the Thirteenth Month in the Thirteenth Year, a ball of flame will descend upon Earth and we will all touch the sun."

The Haitian nurse passed out, realizing the meaning of my words.  (Since that day, no one else has been able to figure out what exactly the words meant.  And the Haitian nurse would never speak about those words again.  In fact, during my time in the infant nursery, she would come in nightly and spinkle chicken blood on my forehead while placing chicken bones in the forms of little crosses around my body.)

As I grew up, I had a fairly normal religious life.  My family was Catholic and I attended Catholic school, having the requisite "attempted fondling" by a parish priest (now bounced from the priesthood).

Surprisingly, one day, at age 13, I was followed home from school by a squirrel.  Realizing that this was a sign from God, I immediately built a little home for this squirrel in my room (unbeknownst to my parents).  I began worshipping the squirrel and developed an entire catechism around my squirrel worship that included rites and ceremonies, including making a little crown for the squirrel from aluminum foil and my sister's bead collection.  

This went on for two years until one day my mother discovered my squirrel god in the back of my closet and called an exterminator to remove the creature.  I was at school that day and came home to find my Lord and Savior being dragged down the front steps with a little noose around his neck by a man with boils and warts on his face (a result of working with the deadly chemicals of extermination, no doubt).

Traumatized?  You bet.

My life of faith bounced around as a result of that experience.  I did not return to squirrel worship... or Catholicism, for that matter.  Instead, I went on a soul-searching journey that included Paganism (worhip of various inert objects, including, in my case, a carved "pirate" coconut head that a friend had picked up at a souvenir shop in Florida), Buddhism, Taoism, Soupism (worship of soup -- I was hooked on split pea with ham), Judaism (some things a guy does in a desperate attempt to get laid, though I later wed a different Jewish woman), Sunism (not a good religion for a lily-white Irish guy with a high risk of developing melanoma), Islam, Hinduism, Rastafarianism (can't remmeber a thing from that one), Sleepism (loved that one -- may revisit it one day), and, finally, Bikism (I ride my bike everywhere, totalling a couple of hundred miles a week).

I'm still on a spiritual quest.  Recently, during summer months, I practice Bell's Oberonism, the worship of Kalamazoo Brewing Company's summer brew, Bell's Oberon Ale.  If you love beer, you'd worship this gem, too.

So my religious experience has spanned the globe, so to speak.

I'm looking forward to my next adopted religion.  Not sure what it'll be, but I'm thinking if things keep going the way they are under the current regime, I may start looking into Gettingthefuckouttahereism.  But, then, I couldn't get Bell's Oberon... though I could still ride a bike everywhere.

I hope this diary spurs some deep thought -- some reflection -- for a few folks here.  I know it did for me.

Thank you for your understanding and interest.  And keep in mind that if you find yourself sailing down a long tunnel toward a bright, white light, you may be experiencing rebirth.

First posted on Daily Kos on April 18, 2005.

Monday, January 09, 2006

EXCLUSIVE! Bush meets Abramoff in Oval Office! Full transcript!

Did Bush know Abramoff? Damn right he did! And here's the proof!

Just had this slid under my door by my top-secret, White House insider contact. A transcript of an Oval Office conversation between President Bush and lobbyist Jack Abramoff said to have taken place on December 11, 2003:

ABRAMOFF: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

BUSH: Well, if it isn't my second favorite Jewboy!

ABRAMOFF: Second favorite?

BUSH: Yeah, you're okay because you're all about money, but you're no Lieberman. That guy loves my ass!

ABRAMOFF: I love your ass, too, Mr. President.

BUSH: You're not a homo, are you, Abramoff?

ABRAMOFF: No. No, I'm not.

BUSH: That's good because homos make me nervous.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: You're a smart guy -- hell, all you Jewboys are smart guys, that's what my old man always told me. He always said, "When you're in trouble, get yourself a smart Jew lawyer."

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: And I was in trouble a lot. All the damn time. I had a whole stable of Jew lawyers.


BUSH: So let me ask you something, Abramoff...


BUSH: Do you think Karl has homosexual tendencies?

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir.

BUSH: Not even a clue, a hint?

ABRAMOFF: Karl is married.

BUSH: I think he goes both ways.

ABRAMOFF: No idea, sir. Now, about this Mariana Islands deal--

BUSH: I think he does. Cheney, on the other hand, I think the guy is neither.

ABRAMOFF: Neither what, Mr. President?

BUSH: I don't think he's homo or straight. He's a neuter. All he cares about is money. If he could fuck it, he would.

ABRAMOFF: I'm right there with him, sir. That's why I want to speak with you about this Northern Mariana Islands deal. We can't let minimum wage laws app--

BUSH: I like money, too, but I wouldn't fuck it.

ABRAMOFF: Of course not, sir. Now about this deal--

BUSH: I don't think it would even feel good.

ABRAMOFF: No, probably not, sir--

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here?

ABRAMOFF: Excuse me, Mr. President?

BUSH: Did Karl send you in here to ask me this stuff about the Mary Ann Islands? He's always doing this to me.

ABRAMOFF: Mariana Islands, sir. And, no, Karl didn't send me in.

BUSH: Is that the island Gilligan was stuck on?

ABRAMOFF: I don't--

BUSH: Because Mary Ann was on the show and they were stuck on an island and they may have named the island after her.

ABRAMOFF: No, I don't think--

BUSH: Of course, I would have named the island after Ginger. Now, she was hot!

ABRAMOFF: Yes, um, this deal I want to discuss with you involves trying to stop the change in labor laws to the--

BUSH: I should watch a coupla' episodes of Gilligan's Island with Karl and see how he reacts to Ginger.

ABRAMOFF: Great idea, sir. Now, this legislation--

BUSH: Real simple. If he gets more excited when the Professor is on the screen than he does when Ginger is on the screen, then... case closed!

ABRAMOFF: Case closed!

BUSH: I'm like a goddamned Jew lawyer!

ABRAMOFF: You're practically one of us, Mr. President!

BUSH: What?

ABRAMOFF: I said you're practically one of us!

BUSH: My mother would kick your ass if she heard you call me practically a Jew.

ABRAMOFF: I didn't mean anything derogatory by it, Mr. President.

BUSH: Jews and coloreds and spics. She doesn't care for most of `em.

ABRAMOFF: Well, sure, but about--

BUSH: Don't get me wrong, Abramoff. She's not a racist!

ABRAMOFF: No, of course not.

BUSH: She was always real nice to the colored servants when I was growing up.

ABRAMOFF: Uh-huh...

BUSH: She'd get them all a little something at Christmas, like new socks or a hat or something.

ABRAMOFF: What a sweet woman.

BUSH: Listen, good to see you again, Jewboy Number Two! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

ABRAMOFF: Um, is there someone else I can talk to about this Mariana Islands deal, Mr. President?

BUSH: Yeah, talk to whoever is in charge of that.

ABRAMOFF: And who would that be?

BUSH: How the fuck would I know?

ABRAMOFF: I just thought--

BUSH: (SHOUTING) Andy! Get this guy some of that cream cheese and that slimy salmon and a bagel! You Jews like that shit, right?

ABRAMOFF: Actually, I have to be going, Mr. President. Thank you for your time. Can I get a quick picture with you?

BUSH: Sure! Why not? Help me with the Jew vote in `04! Smile!