Falwell blames gays, feminists, lesbians for death

This just in over the wire from ANS (Afterlife News Service):

Falwell blames 'pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians' for death

(ANS, The Afterlife) Echoing his comments made after 9-11 that the terrorist attack was caused by a litany of "evil forces," the late Jerry Falwell said today from the afterlife that "pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians, the ACLU, People for the American Way, Al Gore, Daily Kos and other immoral, liberal groups and individuals bear full responsibility for the heart attack that has claimed my earthly life."

Falwell went to add that, unlike his apology following his post-9-11 comments, he will "not be apologizing this time because there are no liberals where I'm going. So they can kiss my fat, dead ass."

Falwell said he had been sitting at his desk, thumbing through a stack of personal checks from residents of a senior center he had visited on Monday when he felt a sudden, crushing pain in his chest.

"It was like the homosexuals were actually reaching into my chest cavity and squeezing my heart," Falwell recounted. "I started praying, 'Lord, smite the homosexuals,' but they wouldn't let go. Bastards have a helluva' grip. Must be from all that cock grabbing they do."

Falwell noted that he was dead before Liberty University Executive Vice President Ron Godwin found him slumped over the stack of checks.

"Ronnie walked in and I was already gone. I give him credit, though. Before he even called 911, he removed the stack of checks and gave them to Eleanor and told her to make sure they get deposited, pronto. He also went through my desk drawers and removed the two copies of 'Big Jugs Magazine' he knew I had hidden in the back of one of them. But the son-of-a-bitch snatched the gold pen that Reagan had given me," Falwell complained.

Falwell said he would "wait and see" before offering any comment on his new surroundings. "I've often wondered if this is going to be a case of 'overpromise/underdeliver' or if things will be as good as I have told so many they would be. I'm not sold yet."

A spokesangel for God said The Almighty was taking a "long, hard look" at Falwell's life before deciding on a final afterlife home. "The Lord will only say at this point that no one is a sure bet. That goes for Jerry and for anyone else who leaves an earthly life."

When asked to respond to Falwell's assertion that "there are no liberals in heaven," the spokesangel laughed and said, "Franklin Roosevelt may have something to say about that."

Falwell closed his press conference with a diatribe against "Muslims and other infidel colored people on Earth who don't believe what I believe which is the one, true belief."

Just then, another recently dead man dressed in long, gold robes and a turban passed by on a throne carried by four angels.

Falwell was stunned.

"But I bet he's not a homo," the late Reverend said, before storming from the room.

Angry Iraqis trying to scrape up funds to 'follow Americans home'

John McCain, George Bush and nearly all of the other war apologists have been saying for the last three years -- and even more loudly of late -- that a "premature" exit of U.S. forces from Iraq will result in Islamic terrorists "following us home" to attack us on U.S. soil.

While many experts disagree with this premise, a story coming over the wire today may signal that, in fact, George W. Bush and John McCain may be right...

Iraqi insurgents seeking to 'follow the Americans home'; bemoan transportation costs

By Ted Snotwinkle, UIP REPORTER

(UIP, BAGHDAD) Tariq Assad Hussein was holding what can only be described as the Baghdad equivalent of a garage sale.

Scattered along the street in front of his modest, bullet-riddled home were nearly all of his worldy possessions, each item marked with a small price sticker. His neighbors were combing through the items, bartering for lower prices on everything from a framed photo of his family to a stained steel cooking pot to a mangled bicycle wheel.

"That wheel may still be useful," Mr. Hussein, 47, said through an interpreter. "The rest of the bike was destroyed in a car bomb explosion. I still have a piece of the kickstand imbedded in the back of my head. If I could pry it out without further injuring myself, I'd sell that, too."

Mr. Hussein is trying to raise the approximately $3,000 (USD) he believes it will cost him to get to the United States "to attack Americans."

Mr. Hussein's entire family has been killed in various explosions and gunfights over the past year, including his wife, three children, two brothers, and his mother and father.

So far, he has collected the equivalent of $62 from all of his endeavors.

"I am not giving up," Mr. Hussein said while attaching a promotional magnetic menu from a local falafel shop to the small piece of steel jutting from the back of his skull. "The guy that runs this shop gives me six dinars a week to hand out magnetic menus off my head. It's a curiosity. People love it."

Mr. Hussein is not alone in his professed desire to "follow the Americans home." But not everyone in Baghdad who wants to get to the United States intends violence. Some just want to get away from the violence they experience everyday.

Amira Aziz, 53, wants to get to the United States because she heard she could hang her laundry on the line without fear of being "exploded into little pieces."

"My family does not get clean clothes very much anymore," Mrs. Aziz said. "First, we don't get much water, and, second, it's too dangerous for me to be outside. I would love to be in a place like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' where they have everything nice."

(Reruns of American television shows are commonplace on Iraqi television.)

By the end of the day, Mr. Hussein had raised an additional three dollars from his sale. But he sounded optimistic of eventually finding his way to "the great Satan."

"I will get to America. You will see," he said with a smile. "Would you like a menu from Fariq's House of Falafel?"

A tribute to comedian Richard Jeni

It appears that Rich took his own life this past weekend. I, like many others who had occasion to see him in person or on television, to meet him, to spend some time talking with him, am deeply saddened by this news.

Rich was a superb comic... and a superb human being. He was admired by other comics not only for the brilliance of his material and his prolific writing of new material, but for his generosity of spirit. He was a good guy. He had a good soul.

Back in the day when I was kicking around and doing a little stand-up, going to see Rich was a pilgrimage of sorts for up-and-coming comics. He was the best. A master. In total control with brilliant stuff, incredible timing and body language, totally at ease on the stage.

And after the show, he'd hang out and talk with us like we were his peers (and none of us were). He was funny, self-deprecating, encouraging.

I'll miss him, as will many, many others. He was never as big as many thought he deserved to be, but I think he was one of the two greatest comics I have seen in my lifetime, the other being Richard Pryor.

Goodbye, Rich. On a nice note, your death has made me go back and look at some of your brilliant work, the kind of stuff that made me laugh so hard, my sides were sore for days after seeing you.

Here's one of my many favorite bits:

Rich Jeni describing staying up after a show to watch the insanely bad film, "Jaws IV: The Revenge."

Bush to appoint bipartisan commission to look at appointing of bipartisan commissions

President Bush's announcement today that he will appoint a bipartisan commission to look into the failures at Walter Reed Medical Center was quickly followed by a second announcement detailing his plan to appoint a bipartisan commission to look into the appointing of bipartisan commissions.

Bush to appoint commission to study why so many commissions have been appointed

WASHINGTON (Rooters) - President George W. Bush announced today that he would be appointing "a bipartisan commission of respected officials" to study "just why the heck I've needed to appoint so many bipartisan commissions" during his tenure as President.

Bush, in his weekly radio address, said that between the 9-11 Commission, the Iraq Study Group and a new bipartisan commission that will look into failures at Walter Reed Medical Center, he "senses a pattern in my administration of having to appoint bipartisan commissions to look into things we may have screwed up."

The President's blunt assessment of the various commissions' roles in investigating administration failures comes as a new poll puts his job approval rating at its lowest point ever, 29%.

One administration source who asked not to be identified suggested that a more contrite Bush is "part of a larger strategy to make Americans feel empathy for someone who is just not that bright but is doing the best he can."

"We're calling this our 'Special Olympics strategy,'" the source said.

Bush noted in his radio address, "This new bipartisan commission will be charged with studying previous bipartisan commissions with the purpose of identifying patterns of behavior that led to the appointment of past bipartisan commissions."

Administration spokesman Tony Snowjob said that the final recommendations of the bipartisan commission studying the appointments of previous bipartisan commissions will be ignored, as have the recommendations of every previous bipartisan commission.

Brooks predicts `08 Dem win; contemplates suicide

So I guess the only question is, who should replace him at The Times?

Actually, he leaves himself an out, suggesting that he could live with Bill Richardson as the Dem nominee for president.

But one had to love his opening line:

So there I was, sitting in my office, quietly contemplating suicide. I was watching a cattle call of Democratic presidential candidates on C-Span.

Essentially, Brooks is looking forward to the inevitability of a Democratic president and deciding that he couldn't live in an America that would elect a Hillary or an Obama.

Should it come to pass, David, I'll dutifully take up the task of penning your obit.

I have no `08 preference at this point (though I would be inclined to support a candidate who says, unequivocally, "Out of Iraq, period"). But if supporting Obama, Edwards or, god forbid, even Hillary means creating an opening on The New York Times op-ed page, I'll back any of those candidates.

Sure, it's a trivial reason to support a presidential candidate, but with our Democratic Congress pussyfooting around on Iraq as more die and billions more dollars are flushed down the toilet, I'm looking for any little, emotionally-satisfying victory I can find.

Because what is really going on is just too damn depressing.

Punxsutawney Phil: "Fu** it. You don't need me anymore."

This just came over the wire from Punxutawney:

(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - Rooters) Local groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his tree stump this morning and told the assembled crowd of media and curious onlookers that his 121-year-old tradition of predicting the end of winter is "dead as a f***ing doornail."

The pugnacious marmot explained that with the onset of serious global warming, "I will never predict six more weeks of winter again. Early Spring. Every f***ing year. It's over, okay? So just leave me the f*** alone."

Phil's handler, Ed Fenster, said that for the last few weeks, Phil had been complaining about radical climate change.

"Phil told me last week that he's disgusted with the way humans have mucked up the planet," Fenster said. "Only he used a word that rhymes with 'muck.' He pointed out that the he 'eats, sleeps, sh**s and occasionally farts' and that's his total impact on the environment. But the rest of us are ruining the place for creatures like him."

The first thing Phil said as he was pulled from the relative comfort of his burrow was, "Breaking: Winter to end. Along with the planet."

Before returning to his abode, Phil added, "And, no, I don't give a sh** about the Superbowl. More crap."

According to Fenster and other members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, the future of the event is in doubt.

TRANSCRIPT: First Democratic presidential candidate debate of `08

Through the miracle of my brand-spanking-new Time Traveler 2010®, I have been able to obtain a transcript of the first Democratic presidential debate held May 4, 2007 at the Des Moines Marriott.

The moderator for the event was George Stephanopoulos.

The crowded panel of Dem hopefuls on the stage included Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Wesley Clark, John Edwards, John Kerry, Joe Biden, Tom Vilsack, Evan Bayh, Bill Richardson, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton. (Chris Dodd dropped out at the last minute because he didn't have enough money in his campaign coffers to cover airfare to Des Moines.)

STEPHANOPOULOS: Welcome to the first Democratic presidential debate. Tonight, I will attempt to manage a rational discussion and debate between the dozen candidates on stage. I will not introduce them all because there are just too damn many and we don't have that much time.

Let me start with Senator Hillary Clinton. Senator Clin--

SHARPTON: That, right there, is racist, George.

STEPH: What?

OBAMA: Well, I'm not sure I'd call it racist, Al, but it's the kind of action that may lead one to question the impartiality -- the "color blindness," if you will -- of our moderator.

STEPH: C'mon you guys, I just--

CLINTON: No, go ahead. Start with one of my African-American brethren. My husband is often called the first black President.

OBAMA: Uniting white and black, old and young, blue and red--

CLINTON: Gag me.

STEPH: Okay. So let's start with--

BIDEN: Look, I really like you, George. I like all of my fellow candidates. I like our audience. I like--

CLARK: I'm feeling nauseous.

EDWARDS: I think what we're seeing up here right now is two Americas, one for the--

KERRY: John, stop! I am the only person on this stage who has--

STEPH: OKAY, EVERYBODY! JUST SHUT UP!

VILSACK: But I didn't get to talk yet!

BAYH: I'm from a red state! I'm from a red state!

KUCINICH: Ya' know, this is a great way to meet chicks.

GRAVEL: I don't want to meet chicks. I want to have a debate. That's the problem in this country today. We're not having real--

RICHARDSON: Buenas tardes, Des Moines!

STEPH: I SAID SHUT UP! EVERYONE! PLEASE!

OBAMA: This isn't just a blue stage. It's a red stage. It's rich. It's poor. It's one Amer--

SHARPTON: Barack Saddam Hussein Osama, quit the filibusterin'.

BAYH: I second that.

SHARPTON: Clam it, whitest-of-the-white-boys.

STEPH: What about Iraq? We'll go left to right.

EDWARDS: I regret my vote for the--

CLINTON: Not me. We can't stay and we can't leave. So we must--

KERRY: Excellent question, George. When I was on the Mekong River in Vietnam--

BIDEN: Cut the crap, Kerry. Look, I like you. I like you a lot. But we have to--

CLARK: Joe, I am known for being blunt. And you are unctuous. I don't know any other way to describe you.

BAYH: I second that! What does "unctuous" mean?

SHARPTON: It means if you stood outside in a snowstorm, no one would see you. That's how white you are.

VILSACK: I'm whiter! I'm from Iowa!

STEPH: Iraq, Iraq, Iraq!

KUCINICH: Out. Now.

GRAVEL: I second that.

SHARPTON: You're so white-- Oh, wait. You're not Bayh. What's your name again?

GRAVEL: Gravel.

SHARPTON: Like a rock?

STEPH: Yes, Iraq! Finally, back on topic!

[AL GORE appears ON STAGE from the WINGS]

STEPH: Al Gore!

[GORE grabs microphone from BAYH's podium]

GORE: George, I am here to announce...

CLINTON: Asshole.

GORE: Yes, Hillary, this has to do with a hole. But not an asshole.

BIDEN: Look, Al, I like you. A lot. Maybe a little too much. But you've--

CLARK: Oleaginous. That's the word I was looking for.

GORE: I'm here to announce... that a hole has opened in the ozone layer over Des Moines as a result of the hot air expelled during this debate.

SHARPTON: Can you say melanoma, white folks? Don't go outside, Bayh.

STEPH: We're just about out of time. Vice President Gore, are you a candidate?

OBAMA: Tall and short, thin and fat, those who are good at math and those who prefer--

GORE: I have not completely ruled it out, but I have no plans to--

EDWARDS: I'm sick of playing the nice guy. In or out, tubby?

STEPH: We're out of time. Thank you all for being here, thank you for--

[TV FEED ENDS]

My Source in the White House: Rove & Co. Reveal October Surprise

As many of you know, I have a highly-placed source deep inside the Bush White House who has managed to slip me secret documentation of everything from transcripts of internal White House discussions on policy planning to revelations about George Bush's troubled past.

Today, I received the following transcript of an internal White House discussion that occurred earlier this week about a possible "October Surprise" that would turn the coming mid-terms in the Republican's favor. Please keep in mind that my source gets me these documents at great risk to himself/herself, so please don't ask me to reveal anything more than I already have about this source. Thank you.

[In attendance: ROVE, BUSH, CHENEY, RICE, RUMSFELD, MEHLMAN]

ROVE: Okay, I know some of you are worried about what might happen in November, and I--

BUSH: What? Why? What might happen? Are you guys not telling me something again?

CHENEY: Shut up.

BUSH: But I--

ROVE: SHUT UP!

BUSH: Condi, what are they--

RICE: George, please... Just let Karl talk, okay?

BUSH: Okay...

ROVE: I just want to tell everyone not to worry. Ken and I have got it covered.

MEHLMAN: Yeah, we're on it.

RUMSFELD: Well, I certainly hope so. You dumb assholes have put us in a pretty bad spot.

ROVE: I'm going to ignore that.

RUMSFELD: Ignore it all you want. You're supposed to be the "brain trust."

RICE: Don, how's Iraq going?

[LONG SILENCE]

ROVE: We've had to ratchet up the "October Surprise" to something more powerful due to the Foley thing.

MEHLMAN: And before you ask, Dick, no, I did not  have sex with him. I'm not gay.

RICE: Ewww, gross.

CHENEY: He must be the only gay Republican you missed, Ken.

[Laughter from RUMSFELD and CHENEY]

BUSH: Denny Hastert is a good man. He's a coach, a father, a--

ROVE: Would you shut the fuck up?

RICE: George, I've already told you once. You need to let Karl talk, okay?

BUSH: I want a cheeseburger.

RICE: I'll get you a cheeseburger.

BUSH: American cheese.

RICE: Yes, George, I know.

CHENEY: Would you two shut the fuck up?

ROVE: So here's the plan: Gay Islamo-fascist terrorists with nukes.

MEHLMAN: Only we break up the plot at the last minute!

ROVE: Through the NSA spyng program.

MEHLMAN: And here's the best part...

ROVE: It ends up that Foley was undercover.

MEHLMAN: You guys are gonna' love this...

ROVE: He had infiltrated this group of gay Islamo-fascist terrorists--

MEHLMAN: With nukes!

ROVE: Yes, with nukes, and the whole "page scandal" was part of the plan to convince the terrorists that he really was this kinky gay guy.

[LONG SILENCE]

CHENEY: I like it.

RUMSFELD: Make sure the terrorists are really dark-skinned.

RICE: That is insulting, Don.

RUMSFELD: Not colored, Condi, just dark.

BUSH: Condi isn't colored!

CHENEY: Moron.

BUSH: Colored people have kinky hair! Look at Condi! Her hair is beautiful!

RICE: George, I'm a negro.

MEHLMAN: And while we're all confessing, I'm gay! There! I feel better now! I'm out!

BUSH: Slow down! Slow down! Condi is a gay negro?

CHENEY: What do I need to do on this thing, Karl?

ROVE: I've got the roll-out all planned. You'll each be getting your instructions this afternoon.

RUMSFELD: Somebody better make sure President Numbnutz does what he's supposed to do.

MEHLMAN: I'm gay!

ROVE: Karen Hughes is babysitting him, Don.  Don't worry about that.

MEHLMAN: I AM GAY, AMERICA!

CHENEY: Is this over? I'm supposed to be at event in an hour where I'll predict that America could be just minutes away from a terrorist nuclear assault.

RUMSFELD: And I'm out at Fort Hood claiming that there are now 500,000 Iraqis ready to stand up.

ROVE: Go. I'll be in touch.

BUSH: You're really a negro?

RICE: Yes.  Now, here's your cheeseburger, George.

MEHLMAN: I'm gay and you're colored!  And we're out and proud!

ROVE: Ken, calm down. You have work to do.

BUSH: Have you always been colored?

RICE: Yes, George, always.

BUSH: Gee...

Foley-Hastert IMs revealed!

My source inside the White House sent me verbatim transcripts that the NSA surveillance program picked up of IMs between (now former) Congressman Mark Foley and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert.

According to my source, these conversations took place over the course of the past year while the NSA program was in place and before information on the program was leaked to the press.

[NOTE: These are vulgar and could make you ill.]

The first documented IM exchange between Foley and Hastert occurred on March 13, 2006:

Maf54: what are you wearing?

Coach64: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maf54: what's that?

Coach64: My hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh key is sticking.

Maf54: maybe you need some lubricant :)

Coach64: Whhhhhhhhhhhhat do you put on a keyboard?  WD40?

Maf54: what are you wearing? wrestling tights?

Coach64: No. I have this girdle thhhhhing.  It hhhhhelps my back.

Maf54: i'd like to slip that girdle off you

Coach64: I don't thhhhhhhhink so.

Maf54: why not?

Coach64: You'd get hhhhhit by my dunlap.

Maf54: dunlap?

Coach64: My belly that dun lap over my belt.

Maf54: oh heh heh

Coach64: I've never done thhhhhhhhhhis instant messaging thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhing.

Maf54: its cool

Coach64: Not doing muchhhhhhhh for me.

Maf54: how big is your thing?  when its stiff?

Coach64: Shhit, thhhhhat's whhhhhy I wear thhhe back brace.

Maf54: wow! it must be huge!

Coach64: It's hhhhuge and getting hhhhhhhuger. It gets so stiff, I can hhhhhardly stand up.

Maf54: ooooo  i like that!

Maf54: a lot

Coach64: Yeahh, I look like Quasimodo. It's thhhis thhhing on my upper back and it makes me look like a hhhhhhunchback.  The doctor says it's just a cyst.  But it gets real stiff and firm even thhhhoughhhhhhh it's some sort of fatty tissue.

Maf54: ugh i'm gonna be sick

Coach64: We hhhhhave the NSA surveillance vote tomorrow, so if you're going to be out sick, let me know so I can hhhave someone vote for you.  We need every vote on thhat one.

Maf54: not literally sick

Maf54: sick because of the cyst fatty tissue thing

Coach64: Mrs. HHHHHHHHHHHHastert has to drain it once a week.

Maf54: now i am sick

Maf54: gotta run

Coach64: Okay.  Bye.

Foley and Hastert try IMing again on May 3, 2006:

Maf54: i'm in my boxers

Coach64: Huh?

Maf54: my boxers. i see you got your h key fixed

Coach64: Are you part of Don King's group?

Maf54: huh?

Coach64: Your boxers.  What weight classes?

Maf54: i'm sitting in my boxers

Coach64: I can't picture it.  Do you mean, "Sitting AMONG my boxers?"

Maf54: whatever. are you hard? i am

Coach64: Yes.

Maf54: cool.  real hard?

Coach64: Well when I was still coaching wrestling, they said I was REALLY hard.

Maf54: i'm touching it

Coach64: Some of the kids said I was sadistic.

Maf54: slap me!

Coach64: Wrestling coaches are a hard lot.

Maf54: i like wrestling and wrestling tights

Coach64: Amazing.

Maf54: agree wrestling tights are amazing

Coach64: Here's amazing for you.  I have had the same pair of glasses since 1979.  Aviator wire-rims. That's amazing.

Maf54: you're killin my buzz

Maf54: really

Coach64: Hey, someone told me today that you were sending dirty messages to some of the boy pages.

Maf54: dirty? like what?

Coach64: Stuff about their penises and such.

Maf54: would i do that?

Coach64: No.  Sorry I brought it up.

Maf54: it's cool

Maf54: how big is yours?

Coach64: About 6'2".

Maf54: get out!

Coach64: Seriously.  My page is about 6'2".  And he's only an 11th grader.

Maf54: oh

Coach64: Got to run,  Mrs. Hastert has to drain my cyst.

Maf54: blech

Coach64: Hey, send that hundred grand to the RNCC or we'll out you.

Maf54: asshole

Coach64: Want to keep your committee assignments?

Maf54: the check will be there tomorrow

Coach64: Good night!

I may publish more of their hot exchanges later...

My Source in the White House: Rove's Phone cCall to Ailes; re: MARK FOLEY (D-FL)

FOX's continued use of the (D-FL) tag under pictures and video of Mark Foley lets you know exactly how panicked Rove is about losing the base. After all, who watches FOX News except for the hardcore Bush-o-philes?

My source in the White House slipped a transcript of a phone call Rove made to Roger Ailes, head of FOX News, last Friday just as the scandal was starting to pick up steam.

What follows is a verbatim transcript of the Rove-Ailes conversation:

ROVE: Roger, you gotta' help me out here.

AILES: Anything, Karl, you know that.

ROVE: Okay, I--

AILES: Well, I mean anything in the sense that I can use the network to help you.

ROVE: Look, Rog, I've forgotten all about that night. It was a one time thing. For both of us.

AILES: Yeah...

ROVE: Anyway, this Foley thing could really kill us with the fundies. I mean, they are quickly figuring out that we covered for a queer pervert who molested boys just to extort money to funnel into other congressional races.

AILES: Brilliant plan, Karl, like so much of your work. And just to make clear: I'm not gay.

ROVE: Me neither. Anyway, you know how fucking stupid these fundies are...

AILES: Abso-fucking-lutely! They thought Terri Schiavo was coming back to life!

[LOUD LAUGHTER FROM ROVE AND AILES]

ROVE: Well, here's what I'm thinking...

AILES: Go ahead. I'm all ears. Just don't grab `em and pull my head down to your crotch!

ROVE: [LAUGHING] Did I hurt you last time?

AILES: Shut up. I think I bugged my own phone last week, but I was too drunk to remember if I really did it. Go on...

ROVE: Okay, here's the plan. Keep running photos and video of Foley but instead of putting the tag "R dash FL" for "Republican-Florida" under his picture, put "D dash FL" for "Democrat-Florida."

AILES: I... I don't...

ROVE: The fundies will think Foley is a Democrat!

AILES: Holy fucking shit! That's genius!

ROVE: Of course!

AILES Those dumbfucks will really believe Foley is a Democrat!

ROVE: It's on FOX News!

AILES: So it must be true!

ROVE: Exactly.

AILES: And that will make them turn out more, not less.

ROVE: Nevermind the work they do in get-out-the-vote.

AILES: Damn. You're good.

ROVE: Next time you see me, you can kiss my pinky ring.

AILES: You put a ring on it now?

ROVE: My baby finger, Rog, not my Karl Column.

AILES: I love that you've named your thing.

ROVE: Luntz ran a focus group and came up with it.

AILES: Among the male pages?

ROVE: Wait, did you or did you not bug your phone?

[AILES AND ROVE LAUGH]

AILES: Fuck if I know. I was trashed.

ROVE: So, FOLEY dash D dash FL.

AILES: Got it. Consider it done. And kick your boss in the nuts for me and tell him he's the dumbest fuck on the planet.

ROVE: I do that everyday.

[ROVE AND AILES LAUGH, THEN HANG UP]

Bush on Torture: The Early Years

Since President George W. Bush, our Esteemed and Most Righteous Leader®, now gets to decide what constitutes "cruel and inhumane" treatment of prisoners, I decided to look back at his own history to see what clues we may gather as to his judgment in these matters.

What I found was surprising, yet not shocking.  Diaries kept by the President's nanny, along with accompanying notes from his mother, Barbara Bush, lay out clear lines on what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment of other living creatures, according to our All-Wise and All-Knowing Most Righteous Leader®.

[NOTE: Below are summaries of diary notes kept by George W. Bush's nanny, Paulina Gonzalez, along with accompanying hand-written notes of his mother, Barbara Bush.  No relevant facts or quotes have been altered in any way from the original text.]

• July 13, 1950 - Four-year-old George W. Bush nabs a house fly that is sitting on the edge of his cup of chocolate milk and proceeds to pull the fly's wings off.  George's mother, Barbara, chuckles and says, "What a chip off the old block! I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass!"




• July 14, 1950 - Four-year-old George W. Bush squats in his Midland, Texas yard, burning ants with a magnifying glass.  His mother says, "Can you hear them sizzle, Georgie?"




• September 11, 1952 - Six-year-old George W. Bush set up his Alamo Real Action Battle Set®, and, after losing the Alamo to the Mexican army, declares that it is time to invade Canada.  George W.'s father, George H.W. Bush, says, "I think that's a bad idea, son.  Focus on the task at hand."  George W. calls his father "a weenie" and prepares his soldiers to invade Canada.




• February 15, 1953 - George W. Bush's new brother, Jeb, comes home from the hospital with his parents.  As soon as his parents retreat to the library for their evening cocktail, George jams his index finger into his infant brother's eye.  Jeb's screaming brings Barbara Bush into the nursery as George stands innocently by.  Barbara flips Jeb over on his stomach and slaps him hard on buttocks three times, shouting, "No crying during cocktail hour, goddamn it!" George W. smiles.




• May 13, 1956 - Nine-year-old George W. Bush lures a squirrel close by offering handfuls of peanuts.  When the squirrel nears, George snatches the squirrel by the tail and begins spinning it around rapidly, in close proximity to the trunk of a large walnut tree.  Just then, Barbara Bush runs out to the yard, shouting, "George!  Don't bash that squirrel's head on the tree!  Not when you're wearing one of your good, white shirts!"  George is forced to release the dazed squirrel and retreat to his bedroom where he changes into a navy blue pocket-t-shirt before resuming his squirrel-whipping.




• November 12, 1958 - The Bush family dog, Chester, squirms uncomfortably in the backyard as George W. Bush yells at his brother Jeb to "hold the goddamn dog down, Jebbie!" as 12-year-old George pushes a broomstick into the dog's rectum. Barbara Bush comes outside to investigate the howling and says with a chuckle, "Your grandfather use to do things like that to the kitchen help!"

I'm digging up more, but I thought this was enough for a first post.  I'll continue researching the subject so that we can all get a better handle on what our Magnanimous and Most Excellent and Most Righteous Leader® thinks is appropriate treatment of prisoners under the law passed by the Senate today.

Stay tuned...

Bush, Cheney share "Salesman of the Year" honors for third consecutive year at al Qaeda convention

This just in off the PR wire:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Bush, Cheney take home top honors at annual al Qaeeda convention

(PR NewsLiar - Waziristan, Pakistan - September 27, 2006) For the third consecutive year, U.S.A. Preident George Bush and U.S.A. Vice President Dick Cheney have taken home "Salesman of the Year" honors at the annual al Qaeda convention.

"It's unprecedented in the history of the organization," noted His High Holiness and Master Osama bin Laden. "We've had Sheiks and Imams nab the coveted award two years in a row based on sales and recruitment tactics in local mosques, but the race the past three years hasn't even been close. Bush and Cheney buried everyone in the race to bring more recruits willing to blow themselves sky high into the organization."

His Most Holy Reverence cited quotes from Bush's own "National Intelligence Estimate" that highlight the American leaders' recruitmeent prowess, including the following passage:

"The Iraq conflict has become the 'cause celebre' for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of US involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement."

"All praise to Allah for bringing us George Bush and Dick Cheney," His Righteous and Holy One said while the assembled conventioneers repeated his mantra.

The convention, held at Sayed's Wedding, Convention and Jihad Hall in the recently declared safe-haven of Waziristan, Pakistan, was attended by more 300 al Qaeda members from as far away as Indonesia.

His Most Righteous Destroyer of Unbelievers awarded the "Sales Sword of Sacrifice" to Bush and Cheney in abstentia, noting that the two also receive a 10-day, 11-night stay (including first-class airfare) at the luxurious, al Qaeda Convention and Training Facility, now being completed in an undisclosed corner of Waziristan, a deluxe set of robes and headdresses from the "Only Allah" collection, and a factory-refurbished, shoulder-launch SAM missile weapon.

"Once again this year," His Ultimate Defender of the Faith noted, "we had to up our budget to cover the cost of offering two grand prize awards, but the job these fellows did is indeed outstanding, and, thus, the awards committee eagerly awarded two first place prize packages."

Other convention attendees noted that they were unable to compete with the success of Bush and Cheney.

"This year, I signed up a three or four young guys who may or may not be interested in blowing themselves up in the near future," laughed Imam Ali Hamid Mushara, "but to do what these guys do? Year after year after year? I feel like the Chicago Cubs playing the Yankees!"

The convention also included a slide show depicting the progress on the new training and convention facility that elicited "Oohs" and "Ahhs" from the crowd of assembled jihadis.

"Those new prayer rugs are hot!" shouted one jihadi from the back of the hall. A second one likened the East-facing view depicted in one slide as "absolutely tip-top!"

The new facility is expected to be completed in time for next year's convention, slated for September 25 - October 1.

His Most Righteous Most Holy Most Tallest closed the convention with a prayer asking Allah to "ensure that Bush and Cheney also start another war in Iran before the moon rises another 365 times."

One al Qaeda recruiter lamented, "If they do that, we may as well give them next year's award right now."

All praise the Most Exulted and Righteous Leader. All praise Allah.
-30-

U.S. to Turn Over Control of Baghdad to Iraqis Once All Iraqis Removed from Baghdad

News item from Sunday's New York Times:

The United States military announced that it had formally handed over the infamous Abu Ghraib prison to the Iraqi government on Friday. The prison is empty because the Americans and Iraqis transferred detainees to other centers before the handover.

Handing over control of empty buildings is a shining example of the success of the administration's "when-they-stand-up, we'll-stand-down" strategy as witnessed in this report from Reuters:

"Yesterday, Abu Ghraib prison was handed over by U.S. forces," (government spokesman Ali) al-Dabbagh told a news conference. "It is now empty of any detainee or prisoner."

"Now the prison is protected by Iraqi forces and the Iraqi government will look into how to benefit from it in the national interest," he added.

And now the administration plans to take this model of success and apply it to all of Baghdad, and, possibly, the rest of Iraq.

According to this report from Rooters:

The U.S. commander in Iraq, General Peter Pace, called the Abu Ghraib handoff, "an unqualified success."

"The Iraqis are now maintaining security at this empty prison facility on their own," Pace said.  "We think this has implications for the security situation in Baghdad and throughout Iraq."

Pace then described a process in which all Iraqis in Baghdad would be evacuated to other localities, "at which time we could then hand over security for the city to Iraqi police and military forces."

"This is a win-win for both Iraqi and U.S. forces," Pace continued, "and in line with our strategy to stand down as Iraqi forces stand up."

When a reporter pointed out that Iraqi military and police units who remain behind in Baghdad would be composed of Iraqis, Pace quipped, "You hand off control to the security forces you have, not the security forces you wish you had."

Pace said the program would then be rolled out across the country, first removing all Iraqis from an area before turning over control to Iraqi security forces.

When asked where all the Iraqi citizens who were being evacuated from area after area would go, Pace looked to Pentagon spokesman Larry Odenkurk who turned his up his palms and shrugged his shoulders in a "How-would-I-know?" gesture.

"Look, if we can get rid of all the Iraqis, our security situation within Iraq will improve greatly," Pace said.

He then abruptly ended the press conference and left the room.

Back in Washington, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defended the new Iraqi relocation policy by citing the administration's success in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina.

"I mean, how many people will die there now if New Orleans is hit by another major hurricane? The place is practically a ghost town," Rumsfeld said. "We scattered most of the coloreds all over the country.  So this is a proven strategy that works."

Time to take down the Iraqi regime

Every now and then, I venture over to Armando's experiment in attempted reasonable, cross-political discussion, Swords Crossed, to see what the loony Bush/Iraq War defenders are saying.

I think, "Maybe Armando is onto something and we can have a reasonable debate with these clowns folks."

Then I read what the few brave (hey, at least they show up) Bush/Iraq War-backing souls have to say and I think, "Armando, quit wasting your time.  They're idiots."

And they are.

The most recent front page post by Armando's current sparring partner (as if Armando was Ali in his prime and his sparring partner was some poor sap who routinely found himself swallowing the last of his few remaining molars) touts the great advances we've made in Iraq in terms of elecricity production and sewer operations.

I kid you not.

I'd cite the post here, but why bother? One of the poster's GOP bretheren even suggests in the comment section, "Democracy is on the march!"

Meanwhile, the Iraqi Prime Minister is busy accusing  U.S. forces of "daily attacks" against Iraqi civilians.

And just last week, the Iraqi Foreign Minister backed Iran's nuclear research program.

Upon the news of the Foreign Minister backing Iran's right to do "nuclear research," the same nut who shouted "Democarcy is on the march" in the most recent Swords Crossed front-pager suggested that we may need to turn out this new government if it becomes an ally of Iran.

I get it.  We just keep overthrowing Iraqi governments -- even democratically-elected governments (because, after all, democracy is on the march) -- until we get one to our liking.

Brilliant.

At least Halliburton can then continue getting multi-billion dollar, no-bid contracts to rebuild the infrastructure we have to blow up to help democracy flourish.

This is kind of The Mouse that Roared in reverse.  For those of you not familiar with this Peter Sellers classic (rent it this weekend if you've never seen it), here's a snippet of the plot summary, courtesy of imdb.com:

The Duchy of Grand Fenwick decides that the only way to get out of their economic woes is to declare war on the United States, lose and accept foreign aid.

Only in this case, the United States declares (endless) war on Iraq in order for Halliburton to reap billions upon billions in American tax dollars.

The parallels are eerie and striking.

My guess is that we may have to pull out of Iraq quickly, then immediately start a new "shcok-and-awe" bombing campaign, followed by a new "blitzkrieg-to-Baghdad."

Where we go from there is anyone's guess, but at least the Commander-in-Chief could have another aircraft carrier moment.

Hell, if we can pick up the pace of the "democratically-elected governments" in Iraq, Flightsuit George may be able to squeeze in a couple more "Mission Accomplished" photo ops before he leaves in January `09.

Look, if we keep overthrowing Iraqi regimes, we're bound to get it right eventually, aren't we?  I mean, the odds are in our favor.

Democracy is on the march.  Someone in Baghdad was just able to flush his toilet for the first time in three years.

Progress.  I love it.

Incompetence is simply a byproduct of something far more sinister

I don't think the Bush administration is incompetent, in the pure sense of the word, as so many pundits have claimed.  Everytime I read that charge, it doesn't sit right in my mind.

No, that's not the whole of it, I think.  Their particular brand of incompetence is an outgrowth of something else -- something far more sinister.  If those who populate this administration, along with their co-conspirators in Congress, were simply happy-go-lucky fools, the incompetence tag would hang on them like a too-big suit.  They'd wear incompetence like a pair of oversized clown shoes.

Osama's escape, the Iraq Debacle, Katrina, Medicare D... The list of incompetent actions and policies stretches on for miles, as far as the eye can see on a flat, blazing hot desert road.

But "incompetence" lets them off too easily.

Incompetence is an outgrowth -- or an end product -- of indifference.  Cold, callous, cold-hearted, criminal indifference:

* Indifference towards the troops they put in harm's way.  


* Indifference toward the elderly who must cope with the trainwreck that is Medicare D.


* Indifference toward the hundreds of thousands of Gulf states residents who lost everything in Katrina.


* Indifference toward future generations by giving away national forests and refusing to abide by environmental agreements.  

Indifference after indifference after indifference.

Incompetence?  Sure.  But only because, fundamentally, they do not give a flying fuck about America or its citizens.  (Nevermind how little they think of the citizens of the rest of the world.) They care only of themselves -- and money. Simple, really.

It is no accident that indifference is a synonym for selfishness.  And that selfishness can be synonymous with greed.

When Grover Norquist uttered his famous proclamation that his dream was to "drown the federal government in the bathtub," he was only giving the half of it.  

The likes of Rove and Cheney and Rumsfeld quickly figured out that the best way to accomplish Norquist's dream -- a dream they avidly shared -- was to not only govern indifferently (thus, underlining their assertion that government is an inefficent and ineffectual way of operating everything from wars to disaster relief), but that they also could enrich themselves and their corporate sponsors in the process, effectively looting the government as they "drown it in the tub."

"Two birds with one stone" and all that.

The deficit is no accident.  It is the ultimate manifestation of Norquist's dream.  Cheney and company (through their idiotic puppet and perfect foil, George Bush) paint the government as incompetent while bankrupting the federal treasury and lining the pockets of everyone from Halliburton to the religious right.

The Bush years have been nothing more than a criminal enterprise.  Organized crime.  Thievery on a scale never before witnessed in the history of humankind.  Billions upon billions of taxpayer dollars looted from the national treasury and delivered to the pockets of the well-connected.  (Tax relief?  For whom?)

The NSA spying program was never about ferreting out terrorist plots. We knew that. It was simply another tool to be used to stop any person or entity which sought to uncover their criminal cabal. And the Patriot Act is more of the same. This crew will stop at nothing to protect their criminal enterprise.

So I wish the Paul Krugmans of the world would stop letting Cheney et. al. off so easy with the "incompetent" tag.

Like Liberace, they are laughing all the way to the bank.

NSA Program Thwarts Thousands of Terrorist Attacks, Large and (Mostly) Small

My source in the White House left a detailed report on the NSA phone datamining program buried in a trash bin outside my office.

The report was generated by General Michael Hayden at the request of Vice President Dick Cheney to bolster the case that the program had yielded critical results that, in the words of the Vice President's formal request, "have saved Americans from an enormous number of terrorist acts, large and small."

The report details numerous instances of where the NSA's tapping of phone calls of Americans has saved countless citizens from terrorist assaults.

The report is nearly one thousand pages long, with most entries providing detailed accounts of likely terrorist strikes which were either thwarted in advance of these planned actions or stopped at the point of the planned atack.

They read like an episode of "24."

Here are few of the instances which caught my eye while thumbing through the document earlier this morning:

DATE: April 12, 2004
SUBJECT: Lucy F. [FULL NAME REDACTED]
LOCATION: Naperville, Illinois
ORIGINATING PHONE #: 630-[REDACTED]

REPORT: Lucy F., in a phone call to neighbor, Jennifer G., outlined plans for her and her husband, Larry F., to bring their triplet boys, aged 5, to a local restaurant, [RESTAURANT NAME REDACTED], for dinner that evening. In the course of the call, Lucy F. informed Jennifer G. that the boys were "certain to raise hell" in the restaurant, "because that's what they do everywhere we go with them. But I'll be damned if Larry and I can't even go to dinner because no babysitter can handle these little terrorists."

When asked by Jennifer G. if she (Lucy F.) thought the resulting chaos would ruin dinner for other restaurant patrons, Lucy said, "Yeah, probably, but what are we supposed to do? Act like prisoners in our own home?"

ACTION: NSA officials listening to the conversation (after picking up the words "terrorists" through the datamining tools) dispatched local F.B.I. agents to "air" the tires of the F.'s minivan parked in their driveway, thereby disabling the vehicle and preventing the family from going to the target restaurant.

RESULT: Restaurant patrons were spared the experience of having their pleasant Friday night out ruined by three rambunctious, 5-year-old terrorists.

DATE: September 27, 2004
SUBJECT: Lisa G. [FULL NAME REDACTED]
LOCATION: Eufaula, Alabama
ORIGINATING PHONE #: 334-[REDACTED]

REPORT: Lisa G., a 17-year-old junior at Eufaula High School, plotted, along with several other unnamed co-conspirators, to "toilet paper" (TP) the homes of the high school football team's quarterback, halfback and middle linebacker in advance of the big game against league rival, Randolph Clay High School. Lisa G. stated in a "conference" phone call to three friends, "We need to nuke these guys tonight and the really great thing is that it's going to rain and this shit is almost impossible to get rid of when it's wet." Her co-conspirators emitted cold-hearted laughs at this point.

ACTION: Local authorities were alerted and set up surveillance at each of the three target locations. Four suspects were apprehended at the home of the quarterback and their toilet paper was confiscated in advance of being deployed. (Additional note: It WAS raining.)

RESULT: The families of the three targeted athletes did not have to clean up toilet paper from the trees and bushes in their front yards the following morning.

DATE: December 16, 2004
SUBJECT: Tom S. [FULL NAME REDACTED]
LOCATION: Cleveland, Ohio
ORIGINATING PHONE #: 216-[REDACTED]

REPORT: Tom S., 24, in a phone call to friend, Todd G. [FULL NAME REDACTED], announced plans to "dump" girlfriend, Betsy M. [FULL NAME REDACTED], "before Christmas so I don't have to spend money on a present for her." Todd G. asked how this would make Betsy M. feel, and Tom S. responded, "It will hit her like a huge bomb. But I'm broke and she's expecting something nice like jewelry or something." Todd G. then said Tom S.'s idea "seems like a good plan, because you can always patch things up at the New Year's Eve party." Tom S. replied, "No shit, Sherlock. I've thought of that already." [Additional note: We were unable to ascertain who "Sherlock" was or if there was a third party on the phone during this conversation. The investigation is continuing.]

ACTION: Agents from the Cleveland office of the F.B.I. notified Betsy M. that Tom S. intended to "drop a huge bomb" on her in the coming days prior to Christmas.

RESULT: Betsy M. thwarted the anticipated "bombing" by telling Tom S. that she had been secretly seeing his friend, Todd G. for more than a month (untrue, apparently, according to a follow-up F.B.I. report), thereby horribly ruining the holiday season of both Tom S. and Todd G. and leading to a fisfight between the two men at the aforementioned New Year's Eve party.

There are thousands of these instances in the report and I may share more over the course of the next several days. But suffice it to say, I may be rethinking my opposition to the NSA program based on these stunning results.

The NSA, Dick Cheney and George Bush are, indeed, saving average Americans from terrorist-like assaults every day. Sometimes we have to give up some of our freedoms in order to remain free.

EXCLUSIVE! Bush's Thoughts During Colbert's Correspondents' Dinner Performance

My highly-placed source at the White House surprised me today with a first: a transcript of what President George Bush was thinking during Stephen Colbert's blistering satiric roast of the President and the press at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' dinner.

My source explained that Karl Rove recently had a highly-advanced computer chip placed directly into Bush's brain so that the Rove could transmit thoughts to Bush without the need for the bulky "backpack" receiver/inner ear device Bush has worn in debates and press conferences.

But a weird side effect of implanting this new chip has been the ability to actually hear Bush's thoughts. (Granted, there's not a whole helluva' lot going on in there, but it does provide further insight into the manner in which our Fearless Leader® operates.)

When Rove discovered this strange byproduct of the chip implantation, he ordered an aide to transcribe Bush's thoughts along with a relevant/simultaneous timeline of events.

What follows are selected portions of Bush's thoughts during Stephen Colbert's performance at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner. Relevant Colbert remarks appear in bold. Bush's thoughts appear in italic.

The surprising news is that, contrary to reports in the press, Bush wasn't angry with Colbert at the end of the comedian's performance. He was angry with First Lady Laura Bush! Read on for the details...

Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming.

I'm his hero! Of course I'm his hero! I'm everyone's hero!

Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Oh good. He's gonna' mock Cheney and not me. I hate Cheney. He's not the boss of me.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

I wonder if that works up here, too. I need another glass of vino. WHISPER: Can I get another glass of the white?

We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir?

I like this guy.

That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut.

Damn straight, Steve! I need a guy like you to replace Rover when he gets his ass hauled away. Remember to mark that down... Hire Steve Colbert as new guy to help me do stuff...

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.

Fifty states... Fifty states... Is that right?

I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

This guy is terrific! I hope my asshole father is listening... Hey, dad, this guy LOVES me and LOVES what we've done in Iraq!

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

He's wrong here. I'm pretty sure Jews don't believe in Christ. That's why I don't trust Jews.

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Amen!

So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing?

I like that! I like the way this guy thinks! Whatever it takes, we're getting him on staff ASAP!

And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees.

Why are people laughing?

I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart.

But what about 'Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?" I love that book! It has heart! C'mon, Steve, you're wrong here!

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

I hope someone is writing this stuff down. I want to use that line in my next speech!

As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.

Oh shit. He forgot Rumsfeld. I'm going to be hearing all kinds of shit from that asshole now.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing.

Cheney says they're secret cuz they're illegal. But I like 'super-depressing' better. Good one, Steve. Write that one down for the next speech, too...

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down.

I'm the Decider! I get to decide what's best and what I decide is best because that's what I decided!

At this point, videotape shows Laura Bush leaning over and saying something to the President.

She says he is "ripping you a new asshole." What is she listening to? Idiot. She never was very smart. She's lucky she landed me or she'd still be living back in Podunk town with that loser, Tom Fredericks. This guy LOVES me! What's she talking about?

By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him.

That'll be great, but I wish Rover would tell me in advance about this shit. That'll be even better than being on with that little bitch, Katie Couric.

Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys.

Cheney should tell Rumsfeld to do this. If I tell Rumsfeld to do this, he'll just tell me to fuck off like he always does when I say something to him.

Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.

Why is Wilson still breathing? Cheney said he was going to take care of him. Steve will be needing to take over for Rover -- Hey, I made a poem! -- Steve will be having to take over for Rover because of this thing. Over for Rover, over for Rover, over for Rover...

Colbert talks about Tony Snow and Scott McClellan and tells the President he wanted to audition for the job. Colbert then shows a video of himself handling the press followed by him being stalked by Helen Thomas.

Just punch her, Steve! Just punch her! She's way smaller than you! Hit her real, real hard like I did to Harriet Miers when I found out she gave money to Al Gore's campaign! Slug that sawed-off, pushy little bitch!

Laura Bush leans over to the President and says something as the video ends.

Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!

She's "never been so insulted?" Why? Because the guy actually likes me? Well, fuck her! Some people DO like me! And he just so happens to be one of them! So FUCK HER! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

With that, the President and the First Lady rose from their seats, quickly shook Colbert's hand, and walked off the stage. Rove's aide recorded these final Bush thoughts:

She's worse than my dad. Worse! He told me I was stupid almost every day of my life! I don't need to hear this shit from her everyday! This guy was great! And he likes me! So FUCK YOU, LAURA! I wish I could say that out loud... But she'd kill me. Or she'd be really mean and say what she always says... "Have another pretzel." Colbert... Colbert... Got it! His nickname will be "Cheese!" Like Colby cheese! Hi, Cheese!

Today's Subversive Letter-to-the-Editor Templates

Many of you have probably read comedian Don Novello's (Father Guido Sarducci) series of books, The Lazlo Letters.

The books contain Novello's written exchanges with celebrities, corporations, politicians and other public figures under the guise of his crazed, letter-writing American patriot, Lazlo Toth. (Nice interview with Bob Garfield here.)

I've always enjoyed the subversiveness of the Lazlo books and have long carried on a subversive tradition of my own: attacking wingnuttery with letters-to-the-editor that out-wingnut the wingnuts.

Sure, many of the wackiest wingnuts won't see themselves when this mirror is held up to their views, but I know that more than a few (some of whom I know quite well) cringe when they see the reality and hypocrisy of their positions exposed in such a public forum. And many party-neutral voters will wonder, "What the hell is wrong with these people?"

So today I begin a series of periodic posts providing letter-to-the-editor templates for subversive letters we can send to our local papers.

Today's subject: Bush the Decider and Don Rumsfeld

The great thing about Bush's inane comment yesterday ("I'm the decider") is that we can use his own words in letters of support that sound just as stupid as they did when they left his mouth. And we can repeat his inanity, ad nauseum.

I present three options: coherent, mildly incoherent, ranting lunacy.

Feel free to cut and paste and send to your own paper. You can explain all this to your liberal friends after the fact... And then enlist them into the project, too!

OPTION A: Wingnut who can actually string sentences together

To the editor:

I was heartened to see President Bush declare yesterday, "I am the decider" when it comes to the future of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. Those calling for Mr. Rumsfeld to resign, particularly during a time of war, are undermining our efforts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq, even if the people there would prefer to have a civil war. In addition, these critics are not the deciders. Mr. Rumsfeld and all members of the President's staff and cabinet serve at the President's discretion. George Bush is the decider. And I stand by his claim to that title.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION B: Classic ignorant wingnut

To the editor:

Donald Rumsfeld should not resign. These generals and Democrats who are on a witchhunt for him should be quiet. Our brave men and women are fighting to bring all the freedoms we enjoy to Iraqis, like freedom of expression. And we have people in our own country who undercut our democracy fighters by attacking the President and Secretary Rumsfeld. As President Bush said yesterday, he is the decider on this, not some lazy, retired general living off our tax dollars with a fat pension.

-- Bob Johnson

OPTION C: Batshit insane wingnut
[NOTE: You may have to try and slip a fake name past the paper's censors/checkers with this one. To much possible backlash.]

To the editor:

The retired generals and Democrats screaming for Rumsfeld to quit should be tried for treason! We're in a war with people who want to kill every last one of us! If these criticizers love Muslims so much, let them move to Muslimia! We have brave soldiers in Iraq getting blown up almost daily just so Iraqis can have what we have -- freedom! And Iraqis want freedom so much they are blowing each other up, too, just to see who can get control of their freedom! And we won't win with traitors in our midst! President Bush is the decider on Donald Rumsfeld, not the criticizers. They remind me of Benedict Arnolds.

- Bob Johnson

Give it a whirl! Works on any subject.

More later...

What I bought at the bazaar

I was on a business trip to Afghanistan this week, helping President Hamid Karzai come up with marketing strategies to win over regional warlords Afghan political leaders when I simply ran out of hard drive space on my Dell Inspiron 6400®*.

Faced with the dilemma of not being able to produce a really cool PowerPoint Hamid could use to convince these brutal drug lords lovers of Afhanistan's new-found freedom and democracy to join his government and "stop killing every goddamned government official I send to their regions", I went looking for a computer shop where I could buy a flash memory stick.

As I walked through the local Bagram bazaar, gnoshing on kabobs and hummus and buying traditional Afghan caps (pakols) and robes for friends and family back home, I came across two different merchants selling "used" memory sticks. Against my better judgement (never put a used memory stick into your computer's USB port if you're not sure where it's been!), I bought a used stick. After all, I was desperate.

I plugged the stick into the USB and this message instantly popped up onto my screen:

PROPERTY OF DONALD RUMSFELD - TOP SECRET - HIGHLY CLASSIFIED - DO NOT READ THIS - I WILL HAVE YOUR SORRY ASS CANNED, CANED AND SHIPPED TO UZBEKISTAN IF YOU READ EVEN A SINGLE WORD OF WHAT IS ON THIS THING AND YES THIS MEANS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE NOT ME!

Okay, I thought, now what? Should I turn this in to my American handlers and tell them I bought this at the Bagram bazaar? Of course, doing that would be admitting that I looked at the stick's contents, therefore subjecting myself to god-knows-what kind of torture in Uzbekistan. Plus, they'd never believe me. Donald Rumsfeld would never be stupid enough to leave something this important just laying around where the cleaning lady could pick it up.

I decided to keep it. And curiosity got the better of me. I scanned through the files on the memory stick...

How to properly ice your scrotum
Place a bag of crushed ice in...

Nevermind. You don't want to read that. Neither did I, frankly. The note was signed by Rumsfeld's doctor.

But I found this file interesting...

Cheney notes
Use the following information about Cheney selectively to keep him off-balance:
* Drunk off his ass when he shot Whittington
* Drunk most days by Noon
* Has had 14 unannounced heart attacks since January 2000
* Talks to himself constantly, often yelling loudly, "Go fuck yourself! Go fuck yourself!"
* Wears pantyhose -- claims for medical reasons, but a staffer told me Cheney said he "just likes the way they feel."
* Hates Bush with a burning passion
* Generally, hates everyone with a burning passion
* Doesn't know where he is frequently -- constantly asking staff, "Is this the bunker?" when he's actually in his office.
* Not nearly as smart as me
* Farts... a lot
* Has funneled billions of dollars into Swiss bank accounts through Halliburton money-laundering operation -- way more than me (THIS IS A BIG ONE!)
* Can't dance for shit.

And what about this file on Condi Rice?

Rice notes
Untrustworthy bitch out to get me. Use this info selectively to knock her off stride, and, perhaps, take her out:

* Not nearly as hot as she thinks she is
* Colored
* Grinds teeth constantly -- has severe jaw and dental problems as a result
* May be certifiably insane according DoD psychiatrists who listened to her tapped, private phone calls
* Has used State Department jet to fly to Paris on shopping spree
* Bought French stuff
* Eats escargot constantly so her breath reeks
* Biggest Bush ass-kisser in the Cabinet
* Possible lesbo -- unconfirmed, but what the hell, I can always leak the rumor
* Hair is actually kinky Afro (saw her without hair gel on equatorial Africa trip), not flip thing she wears -- she IS colored (I know I already put that one on the list)
* Has her own stash of tactical nukes in a bunker in Pennsylvania somewhere -- claims they're in case we get attacked and Bush and Cheney are incapacitated
* Okay dancer, but not that great considering she's colored

And, finally, this file on Bush...

Bush notes
God, how I hate this guy. (Got that in common with Cheney.) What a fucking dumbass. Some shit on Bush:

* Idiot -- one of the dumbest people I have ever met
* Lazy -- hasn't done a full day's work - cumulatively - since taking office
* Doesn't read a goddamn thing -- ever
* Giggles like a little boy caught with his dick in his hand -- embarrassing when we're meeting with world leaders
* Sleeps through most meetings
* Once asked me, "Am I in charge of the Army and stuff?" (I told him, "No, I am." He seemed satisfied, even happy)
* Has no idea what me and Cheney are up to -- that's good
* Actually believes we all like him
* One time showed up to an emergency meeting in the Sit Room in his boxers -- said he didn't have time to get dressed
* Makes disparaging remarks about Rice behind her back -- calls her "the kitchen help"
* Hates his old man - once told me after a few drinks that the old man told him he was stupid just about every day of his life growing up - kind of sad I suppose, but I don't give a fuck, frankly
* Too stupid to know how to skim money out of no-bid contracts, so we don't tell him about it (Cheney wanted to cut him in so he'd have culpability, too, but I said, "Fuck him")
* Scared shitless of me so he will never fire me, no matter how fucked up things get in Iraq
* Did send a few deals to his sleazy brother, Neil, and to his old man and the Carlyle Group, especially on hurricane crap in Florida where the other sleazeball brother (Jeb) could cover for the the lot of them
* Drunk damn near every day
* On anti-depressants -- has been since October 2000
* Does IN FACT wear a wire and earpiece at most public appearances so shitball Rove can tell him what to say -- too stupid to actually think on his own
* Doesn't do a thing without Rove's approval
* Calls Rove "mommy" -- and he doesn't do it jokingly
* Doesn't get that I'm making fun of him most of the time, like when I buy him a bag of pretzels
* Can't dance for shit -- or ride a bike for that matter

There is a lot more on this memory stick that I may post later. If you don't hear from me for after this, just assume I've been swept up and sent to Uzbekistan.

By the way, I did finish creating the PowerPoint for Karzai. It's really good. I think he'll be getting the vicious, violent drug barons democracy-loving political powerhouses in Afghanistan to participate in the government very soon!

Fingers crossed!

*[DISCLOSURE: I am being paid a nominal product placement placement fee by Dell Computer Corporation]

D.C. Shocker: DeLay, Doyle Provide Scientific Evidence of Evolution

I was perusing the front page of today's New York Times when I read this exciting story:

Fossil Called Missing Link From Sea to Land Animals

Scientists have discovered fossils of a 375-million-year-old fish, a large scaly creature not seen before, that they say is a long-sought missing link in the evolution of some fishes from water to a life walking on four limbs on land.

...

In the fishes' forward fins, the scientists found evidence of limbs in the making. There are the beginnings of digits, proto-wrists, elbows and shoulders. The fish also had a flat skull resembling a crocodile's, a neck, ribs and other parts that were similar to four-legged land animals known as tetrapods.

The animal was described as having sharp teeth and was classified as a predator.

Later in the morning, I heard a radio interview about this fossil discovery with a prominent evolutionary biologist (his name escapes me at the moment) who suggested that, like many evolutionary changes, scientists speculate that crawling out of the water or into shallower waters allowed the animal to escape pursuit by larger predators, an adaptation known as "predator avoidance."

Further along in The Times front section I came across this article and put two and two together:

Official Resists Extradition on Charge Involving Internet and Sex

WASHINGTON, April 5 -- The Department of Homeland Security's deputy press secretary (Brian J. Doyle) appeared in a Maryland state court on Wednesday and refused extradition to Florida, where he faces charges of using the Internet to seduce someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl.

Brian Doyle is just like the animal of the fossil discovery: a predator of smaller creatures seeking to steer clear of bigger predators out to get him, in this case a Polk County detective and the Polk County prosecutor.

Brian Doyle is adapting and evolving before our eyes!

And how else to explain Tom DeLay's sudden departure from the House?  What a study in evolution!

DeLay goes from an exterminator (a job which, no doubt, led to the adaptation and evolution of cockroaches seeking to survive his fumigating), to being a bully and predator in the House of Representatives, to being the hunted, himself, sought by state and federal prosecutors on a myriad of charges.  And rather than hang in there and face the music, DeLay scurries away like one of the very cockroaches he used to fumigate!

Talk about symmetry in evolution.  We are witnessing evolution on a daily basis in the very people who discount the theory of evolution!

Oh, sure, there will always be those folks out there who posit that the Earth is only 6,000-years-old, but even they are being forced to adapt and evolve on the fly.  Witness this from The Times fossil story:

Dr. Shubin's team played down the fossil's significance in the raging debate over Darwinian theory, which is opposed mainly by some conservative Christians in this country, but other scientists were not so reticent. They said this should undercut the argument that there is no evidence in the fossil record of one kind of creature becoming another kind.

One creationist site on the Web (emporium.turnpike.net/C/cs /evid1.htm) declares that "there are no transitional forms," adding: "For example, not a single fossil with part fins, part feet has been found. And this is true between every major plant and animal kind."

Dr. Novacek responded: "We've got Archaeopteryx, an early whale that lived on land, and now this animal showing the transition from fish to tetrapod. What more do we need from the fossil record to show that the creationists are flatly wrong?"

On second thought, many of the creationists and religious hard-righties have, apparently, stopped adapting and evolving:

The Rev. Virl Murray, of Midway Assembly of God, said he does not believe in any kind of evolution.

"It's all speculation--could haves and would haves," Murray said. "When it comes down to the Bible they say there is no proof. Well, there's no proof here. They don't know what they have."

Murray said some things are unexplainable.

"There's an aspect in man that is unanswerable," he said. "We just have to accept that his ways are beyond finding out. Look at all of the unanswered questions in this world."

I have an unanswered question, Reverend...

The Stegosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut.  It is extinct.  Why are you still here?

Republican Senators Identify Crucial Issues Facing the Nation in `06

Item from the March 11 New York Times:

Setback to Bush on Ports Deal Casts a Shadow Over His Agenda

WASHINGTON, March 10 — President Bush's inability to hold sway over his party on the ports deal involving Dubai suggests that he faces trouble keeping Republicans together on his major policy initiatives this year, including overhauling immigration laws, approving new trade pacts and locking in his tax cuts, lawmakers and aides said on Friday.

...

In the Senate, Republicans also intend to hold votes on the politically charged topics of same-sex marriage and flag burning as the leadership reaches out to its conservative base.

My source on the staff of a leading Republican Senator slipped me this transcript of a secret Senate Republican legislative strategy session held last week in an undisclosed location. The entire Republican Senate leadership was in attendance including a number of Senators who may be candidates for President in `08...

FRIST (R-TN): Okay, you all know why we're here.

MCCAIN (R-AZ): Ethics reform?

[ROOM ERUPTS INTO TWO MINUTES OF SUSTAINED LAUGHTER AND GUFFAWS]

FRIST: Stop it, McCain! You're killing me!

MCCAIN: The same way you killed cats, Billy?

[MORE LAUGHTER, EXCEPT FOR FRIST]

BURNS (R-MT): Oh, lighten up, Billy! You know John didn't mean anything by it... even though he already has Rove developing TV ads that start out with an ugly black-and-white photo of you, ominous music and voiceover that says, "Why did this man torture little kittens?"

[MORE HOWLING LAUGHTER]

HATCH (R-UT): Now, that's just not fair, Conrad. You should--

STEVENS (R-AK): Shut up, Hatch. I hate the way you talk. Make's my skin crawl.

CORNYN (R-TX): Mine, too. You're creepy, Hatch. And what's with the tie tack?

HATCH: I have always worn--

STEVENS: Shut up! I'm getting the shivers! The bad kind!

SANTORUM (R-PA): Can we get to the part where we talk about outlawing man-on-dog relations?

BUNNING (R-KY): No way! I love my dog! I have to go potty!

MCCONNELL (R-KY): KB, can you walk Bunnng to the can?

HUTCHISON (R-TX): Why me?

LOTT (R-MS): Cuz that's about all you're good for, honey.

HUTCHISON: Fine! C'mon, Jim, I'll take you to the potty...

DOLE (R-NC): As a key leader, I move that we give ourselves a huge pay raise!

[LONG SILENCE]

WARNER (R-VA): No wonder you've been such a failure at the RSCC...

ALLEN: Idiot.

MCCAIN: Whoo, boy! Look who's talkin'!

[SNICKERING LAUGHTER]

ALLEN: I am NOT stupid!

SPECTER (R-PA): You make Bush look like Einstein.

[MORE SNICKERING LAUGHTER]

HATCH: Now, that's just not fair, Arlen. George Allen is a bright, capa--

STEVENS: Stop it! Stop talking, Hatch! You're giving me the willies again!

LOTT: I have to admit, you've always creeped me out, too, Hatch.

HATCH: Well, I'm sorry--

[CORNYN SLAPS HAND ACROSS THE MOUTH OF HATCH, MUZZLING HIM]

HATCH: MMMPH MMMMPH

CORNYN: Somebody get me a roll of duct tape!

MCCONNELL: Is Hutchison back from the can with Bunning?

HUTCHISON: I'm back.

MCCONNELL: Go find a roll of duct tape.

HUTCHISON: Why do I always have to be the one who--

LOTT: Shut up and do what you're told, dearie. And grab me a cup of coffee while you're at it.

[JOE LIEBERMAN (D-CT) WALKS INTO ROOM, CARRYING A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE AND A TRAY WITH TEN COFFEES]

LIEBERMAN: Hi, gang, sorry I'm late!

STEVENS: Another guy whose voice makes my skin crawl!

[STEVENS DASHES AT LIEBERMAN, KNOCKS HIM DOWN, GRABS DUCT TAPE AND COVERS LIEBERMAN'S MOUTH WITH TAPE]

LIEBERMAN: MMMMFT! MMMMMMM!

MCCAIN: I'm glad you did that, Stevens. I was afraid Lieberman was gonna' try and french me like he did with Bush. He's such a suck-up.

SANTORUM: Is Lieberman a heathen homo who is just one step from making love to a Golden Retriever?

SPECTER: You have a Golden, don't you, Rick?

SANTORUM: I... Well... I--

FRIST: Okay, look, everyone, we're here to outline our agenda for the rest of `06, or at least up until the election. Our nation is facing some grave tests, some serious, pressing isues, and we need to lead.

ALLEN (R-VA): Agreed. We MUST outlaw flag burning!

[SHOUTS OF "YES!" AND "INDEED!"]

COBURN (R-OK): And we must stop the homos in their tracks! They're threatening the very core -- the very health -- of our nation! No gay marriage! We must ban it!

[MORE SHOUTS OF "YES!" AND "INDEED!"]

FRIST Anything else?

[LONG SILENCE]

GRAHAM (R-SC): Not that I can think of...

MCCAIN: Nothing comes to mind...

FRIST: Okay. Meeting adjourned. Let Lieberman and Hatch up off the floor, fellas. And take the tape off their mouths.

[TEARING SOUND OF TAPE BEING TORN FROM THEIR MOUTHS]

LIEBERMAN: I still love you guys. I do. Even though you tackled me and taped my mouth shut.

HATCH: Oh shut up, you weenie...

LIEBERMAN: OUCH!!! Hatch stabbed me with his tie tack!

LOTT: God, I hate ALL of these people. Every last one...

So there you have it. The entire `06 agenda of the Republican Senators.

Stay tuned for their continuing (mis)adventures...

Cheney Shoots Hunting Companion; Transcript Tells Real Story

News item:

Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Harry Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was "alert and doing fine" in a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday after he was shot by Cheney on a ranch in south Texas, said Katharine Armstrong, the property's owner.

...

The shooting was first reported by the Corpus Christi Caller-Times. The vice president's office did not disclose the accident until the day after it happened.

As many of you know, I have a number of sources in this administration, including within the Secret Service. I just received this transcript of the conversation that occurred between Cheney and Whittington just before the "accidental" shooting took place:

Whittington: You know, Dick, I have to say I disagree with you on this NSA thing.

Cheney: I'm protecting you from terrorists, Harry.

Whittington: Yeah, but from what I've read, you haven't caught anyone because of this. Not a single person.

Cheney: Okay. That's--

Whittington: And it's operating beyond the law.

Cheney: You've had your say. Okay?

Whittington: Okay, but the damn thing is unconstitutional, Dick.

Cheney: Quail!

[GUNSHOT]

Whittington: (Grunting and moaning)

Cheney: Now, go fuck yourself, Harry... Get him the hell outta' here.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

That Dick Cheney is angry and unhinged, isn't he?

I support profiling and torture to protect Americans from threats

Yes, I know some of you are shocked to read that headline from me.

I can hear your responses now, as though I was sitting in a chair next to you while you stare, mouth agape, at your computer screen...

"Bob, what the fuck?! Have you lost your marbles?"

No, I have my marbles right here in my pocket where I always keep them. (And to answer those who are wondering, yes, my pants DO have pockets in them, and I AM, in fact, rolling my marbles around down there.)

Anyway, I've given this subject a lot of thought and I have decided that when it comes to serious threats to Americans, I am in favor of profiling and torture.

Now, bear with me for a moment as I align facts and figures to bolster my newly-held position...

According to this report more than 43,000 Americans were killed in 2003... by vehicles!

I had no idea vehicles were killing that many Americans every year! This is insanity! Why do vehicles hate us?

I realize, of course, that we can't round up every vehicle and send them all to Uzbekistan or Egypt or Libya for torture until they cough up blood details on how and why they are killing Americans, and their plans for killing more Americans in the future, but we CAN profile vehicles to find the most dangerous among them!

Yeah, yeah, I know, you namby-pamby, liberal hand-wringers will start shouting, "But, Bob, what about the civil rights of SUVs (or motorcycles or whatever)?" But I am saying that we know some of these vehicles are plotting to kill Americans as I write this and it is only reasonable and rational that we ferret out these threats using any means possible before they strike!

Or maybe you just don't care about America or your fellow citizens... Maybe you're just anti-American!

So let's start NOW with SUVs. Profile every single one of them. Yes, we have to give up a little of our freedom in these times to ensure our nation's safety and security. But that is a small price to pay.

Anyone who disagrees with me will have to counter this truth:

If we round up every SUV in the United States, and at least interrogate these SUVs, and, then, send the ones that may be plotting to kill innocent American men, women and children to secret jails in countries that permit torture, or to humane (and, yes, they ARE humane!) detention camps built by a division of Halliburton, the number of American killed by SUVs will decline, and, thus, we will have saved the lives of perhaps thousands of Americans! (Just like our esteemed Vice President, Dick Cheney, has said.)

So, go ahead, you liberal whiners, and name-call (as is your wont). Sure, I'm a "fascist" because I want to ferret out threats to Americans before they strike. I don't care anymore.

Next on my list is hot dogs, the most serious choking threat in America today. I have already detailed an algorithm for profiling the most threatening hotdogs. "Coney Island Foot Longs" top the list. Am I wrong to suggest that these threats to our safety and security be placed in boiling water until they reveal their nefarious plots?

What you label "fascism," I call "common sense."

Kiss my ass, liberals!

Once again, The Onion predicts the future (and other miscellania)

I was thumbing through the paper this morning when I came across a startling, full-page, 4-color ad for the Gillette Fusion five-bladed razor.

And I said to my wife, "Who the hell needs five blades?"

Well, we know who needs five blades, don't we? Gillette, of course! An eight-pack of five-bladed Fusion replacement cartridges will run you a steep $24.99 at drugstore.com.

Meanwhile, my old Trac II shaves just fine with only two blades and I can snag a ten-pack of replacement cartridges for just $10.99.

En route to searching for a picture to post of this brilliant new technology that shaves you so close, you actually end up shaving the inside of your skin, I stumbled across an article from The Onion from nearly two years ago that predicted this exact product.

Once again, The Onion proves Nostradamus-like in its satire.

Here's a snippet. (Go read the entire piece. It's a hoot.)

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Wonderful, eh? And scary that the insanity of the real world eventually catches up to their satire. (And, yes, the famous headline and story after the first GW Bush coronation inauguration remains their most frighteningly accurate Nostradamus moment.)

A few pages further on in the paper, I found this startling piece of news:

Postage Is Due for Companies Sending E-Mail

By SAUL HANSELL
Published: February 5, 2006

Companies will soon have to buy the electronic equivalent of a postage stamp if they want to be certain that their e-mail will be delivered to many of their customers.

America Online and Yahoo, two of the world's largest providers of e-mail accounts, are about to start using a system that gives preferential treatment to messages from companies that pay from 1/4 of a cent to a penny each to have them delivered. The senders must promise to contact only people who have agreed to receive their messages, or risk being blocked entirely.

The company providing these "tollbooth" services is Goodmail.

So, okay, I get mail in a Yahoo account from a few businesses I buy from on a regular basis, including specialty outfits like performancebike.com that sells cycling gear. These companies inform me of things like sales, travel bargains and other information I find useful. But as the article points out:

Matt Blumberg, the chief executive of Return Path, the New York company that runs Bonded Sender, said there was no need for the Goodmail price to be so high.

"From AOL's perspective, this is an opportunity to earn a significant amount of money from the sale of stamps," he said. "But it's bad for the industry and bad for consumers. A lot of e-mailers won't be able to afford it."

Will e-mailers who sell specialty items with smaller audiences be shut out of reaching their customers through AOL and Yahoo mail accounts because they won't be able to afford the fees? Quite possible.

But I was struck by the Goodmail's CEO use of "protecting consumers" as a justification for his company's service:

"The e-mail in-box is a potentially dangerous place," said Richard Gingras, the chief executive of Goodmail. "There is a tremendous need for a class of certified e-mail that can convey to consumers that a message is authentic."

Mr. Gingras argued that companies will be glad to pay the postage fee because their customers will have more trust in their e-mail and thus will buy more from them.

Yeah, right. Sound familiar? Reminded me of the scare tactics the Bushies employ to justify illegal spying and torture. "It's a dangerous world out there and we have to do these things to keep America safe."

Well, I call bullshit, Mr. Gingras.

As the article points out earlier:

But in recent years the volume of spam has leveled off, in part because of a new federal law that imposes penalties for many deceptive e-mail practices. Moreover, most major e-mail providers have built sophisticated filters that divert much of the spam. AOL says that spam complaints from its members are down 75 percent since their peak in 2003.

So why do they need this service, again?

Between a new five-bladed razor, and trumped up scare tactics designed to make AOL and Yahoo millions off of e-mail, I rated this a bad day for capitalism.

As I told my wife, some days I'm embarrassed to be in the marketing and advertising business.

She reminded me that it pays the bills.

Always the pragmatist.