Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bush speech shocker!

My highly-placed White House source just sent me an advance copy of President Bush's speech to the Naval Academy scheduled for later today. I post it without editorial comment:

As many of you know, a number of years ago after a long period of wild times, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior.

Well, Jesus came to me last night as I lay in bed at 8:15 in the pitch dark. Laura wasn't in bed yet. She was watching some reality TV show. (Those shows are not for me. I don't like reality.) Anyway, Jesus appeared at the foot of my bed and scared the bejeezus out of me.

He said, "George, you've been lied to by evil people."

I said, "I have, Jesus? Which people?"

Jesus replied, "Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Wolfowitz, Feith, Rove, Card, Hughes, Harriet Myers... Hell, the list is too long for me to repeat here."

I was stunned. "Really, Jesus? Even Harriet? They all lied to me?"

"Yes. They've told you you're smart."

"Oh," I thought, "Here it comes again."

See, folks, my whole life people have been telling me I'm an idiot. A dunderhead. A ninny. A lamebrain. My mom and dad told me that just about every day of my life -- until I was elected Governor of Texas. Then they and the rest of these folks all told me I was a real smart guy. One of the smartest guys they ever met.

And here was Jesus telling me it was all a lie.

"You really are an idiot, George. And these people have been playing you for the fool."

I didn't know what to think. Now, I may not be that smart, but I knew I had Jesus at the foot of my bed, so I asked, "What should I do about these people, Jesus?"

"Get rid of them all and hire me as your sole (and your soul -- that's s-o-u-l) advisor."

Jesus wanted an exclusive contract. He wanted to be my Chief of Staff and entire Cabinet.

Who would turn down Jesus?

So I am announcing here today that, effective immediately, the entire White House staff and every department head and even the Vice President has been fired and replaced by Jesus.

Pending Senate approval, of course.

But who's gonna' vote against Jesus?

Maybe I'm not so dumb after all!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A letter I actually sent to Dick Cheney

I'm sure many of you will recall the day that Dr. Ben Marble, a Hurricane Katrina survivor from Gulfport, Mississippi, had an interesting encounter with Vice President Dick Cheney live on CNN (courtesy of Crooks and Liars). Dr. Marble had lost his home and everything he owned in the hurricane, and was a bit miffed at the incompetent and feeble response from FEMA and the Bush administration.

So when the doctor came across Cheney holding court with the press on his street one afternoon, Dr. Marble turned Cheney's insult to Senator Patrick Leahy back on the Vice President, telling Mr. Cheney to "Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, asshole."

Frankly, I was shocked that a fellow American citizen would make such a statement to a sitting Vice President. So I immediately dashed off this note of support to our esteemed VP, Dick Cheney:

Dear Vice President Cheney,

I saw the story on CNN where a man yelled "Go fuck yourself!" at you twice while you were discussing hurricane cleanup.

I am shocked and appalled that any true American would tell a sitting Vice President to "Go fuck yourself."

That shocks me. Why would any self-respecting American tell you to "Go fuck yourself?" You, a sitting Vice President?

Frankly, I'm disgusted that anyone would tell you to "Go fuck yourself." Who would use language like that?

I hope my kids don't see that clip played endlessly on the news. I don't want them thinking that they can walk around telling a sitting Vice President, "Go fuck yourself!"

That's not how I want to raise my children.

"Go fuck yourself," indeed!

I'm glad you don't use language like that, Mr. Vice President.

Is telling you, our sitting Vice President, to "Go fuck yourself," an illegal action of any kind? Perhaps you could press charges on the man who told you to "Go fuck yourself."

If I were you, I'd consider it. There is just no place in our society for a person who would tell our Vice President (second only to the President of the United States!) to "Go fuck yourself."

Thank you for your time and your professionalism, Mr. Vice President. I am glad you didn't respond with a "Go fuck yourself" of your own.

I still can't get over the fact that one of my fellow Americans told you to "Go fuck yourself" on live television.

I'm in a state of shock.

Not telling you to "Go fuck yourself," your friend,

-- Bob Johnson

Miraculously, I have not ended up in Guantanamo and been designated an "enemy combatant"... yet.

Wish me continued good luck.

I Miss Joe Lieberman's Money

Item #1 (courtesy of Atrios):
Time magazine Baghdad bureau chief Michael Ware on Morning Sedition this morning:

I and some other journalists had lunch with Senator Joe Lieberman the other day and we listened to him talking about Iraq. Either Senator Lieberman is so divorced from reality that he's completely lost the plot or he knows he's spinning a line. Because one of my colleagues turned to me in the middle of this lunch and said he's not talking about any country I've ever been to and yet he was talking about Iraq, the very country where we were sitting.

Item #2 Lieberman's piece in today's Wall Street Journal titled, "Our Troops Must Stay" (subscription only):
I have just returned from my fourth trip to Iraq in the past 17 months and can report real progress there. More work needs to be done, of course, but the Iraqi people are in reach of a watershed transformation from the primitive, killing tyranny of Saddam to modern, self-governing, self-securing nationhood--unless the great American military that has given them and us this unexpected opportunity is prematurely withdrawn.

Progress is visible and practical.

Joe goes on from there, cheerleading Bush and the war, ignoring the realities of:
-- death squads roaming Iraq (trained and equipped by U.S. contractors -- see post, below),
-- a lack of water and electricity in most parts of the country, and
-- surging violence, both against our troops and against Iraqis by Iraqis.

Alas, Joe was but a blip on the Democratic primary screen back in heady days of the campaign in 2004. But his rah-rah support for the war today brings to mind one of my all-time favorite posts I ever put up at Daily Kos.

It was this gem (originally posted January 14, 2005) that I repost here, in full:


I was paid to bash Joe Lieberman.

Joe's campaign paid me in unmarked bills, ten bucks a bash. Each ten bucks would come with a little, hand-written thank you note from Joe. I've saved them all.

The strategy was designed to create a backlash sympathy vote for Joe by constantly tearing him to shreds in the blogosphere.

In retrospect, it was a bad strategy. The backlash sympathy vote never materialized.

Still, it was a rewarding experience to be part of a major presidential campaign. Let me give you a few of the details...

After Joe appeared on Meet the Press back in September of 2003, I ripped him here for saying George Bush was a "strong, moral leader." Joe sent me this note:

Thanks for the new asshole! Ouch! With a few more posts like that, I'll be the runaway winner in New Hampshire! Did I look okay? I was trying something new with my hair. A little different comb-over thingy. Thanks again! The tide is starting to turn and people are feeling more and more sorry for me with each passing day!

--- Your friend, Joe Lieberman

A few weeks later, I tore him to shreds here for his repeated use of his lame, new catchphrase, "I've got Joementum!" Joe sent me this missive:
Hi Bob!

Great job today! I almost believed you really DO hate "Joementum" given the amount of bile spewed forth in your post on Daily Kos. Fantastic stuff! Did I sound okay at that press conference? I'm trying something new with my voice... not so whiny and nasally. Did I sound more macho? I dropped the register an octave with the help of a voice coach. Keep up the good work. I heard someone in a crowd say to the person next to them today, "That poor Lieberman. He really thinks he's gonna' be President." Your work is having the desired effect! Sympathy is on the march and it's coming my way!

-- Your buddy in Joementum, Joe Lieberman

I continued my work even when polls showed that Joe was actually losing ground rather than gaining sympathy votes. After a Sunday morning appearance on Fox where Joe claimed that George Bush was actually "a god sent here from another universe to save us," I wrote a diary calling Joe an "unparalleled, ass-licking jackass." Joe sent me this touching note:
My good friend Bob,

You are truly creative! I do hope you understand that I have never actually licked George Bush's rectum! (Kidding!) You delivered those lines today so convincingly, that the untrained eye would have thought you really believed them! Good stuff! I feel the tide flowing our way, Bob. Joementum has caught on. I saw a woman today in Derry wearing a t-shirt that said "Dale Earnhardt had Joementum." That's something, isn't it? It's catching on.

Did you see any footage of my speech at the high school there? I was wearing elevator shoes to give me a more commanding presence. Did I look more imposing? We're going to take this thing, Bob.

Today when I said that George Bush would personally gut Saddam Hussein and roast him on a spit over an open fire, I received a huge cheer from all six people in the gym. Someone later told me only four of them cheered, but I could tell the other two felt sorry for me. The sympathy strategy is working! Keep up the good work! And enjoy the ten dollars!

-- Your future President, Joe Lieberman

There were more, of course. Many more. All told, I made $950 off my Lieberman-bashing campaign.

I continue bashing Joe to this day, even though I haven't received a personal note from Joe with a sawbuck paperclipped to it in months. I'm not sure, but I may be off the payroll.

Still, I feel a certain kinship with Joe. I only hope that someday, somehow, my Joe bashing pays off in a groundswell of backlash sympathy for one of my personal heroes.

And, hey, I'm glad I got this all out in the open. I guess there is some good to come of this kos story.

Thanks for listening. I hope you can forgive me.

Your friend,

Bob Johnson

We're not training an army in Iraq. We're training death squads.

[Not satire. Just the cold, hard truth from the ground in Iraq. Originally posted at Daily Kos.]

There are so many problems with the Iraqi military troop situation that any belief that we can somehow rely on growing Iraqi troop strength to draw down our own forces is either:

A. a self-induced, delusional fantasy for those choosing to believe it (hello Joe Biden. Hillary Clinton, Wes Clark, Evan Bayh and Mark Warner -- supposed `08 hopefuls, all), or

B. a deliberate attempt to concoct a reason to withdraw U.S. forces based on a lie.

Yet George Bush is scheduled to make a speech in Annapolis on Wednesday touting the readiness of Iraqi forces, supposedly as a prelude to announcing an administration exit timetable:

U.S. Starts Laying Groundwork for Significant Troop Pullout From Iraq

President Bush will give a major speech Wednesday at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Md., in which aides say he is expected to herald the improved readiness of Iraqi troops, which he has identified as the key condition for pulling out U.S. forces.

A number of articles are coming out today highlighting the realities on the ground in Iraq.  And the realities are not pretty.  The civil war is in full swing, and the U.S. is essentially training and arming death squads.

John Negroponte must be smiling from ear-to-ear...

First, this piece from the front page of The New York Times by Dexter Filkins:

Sunnis Accuse Iraqi Military of Kidnappings and Slayings

BAGHDAD, Iraq, Nov. 28 - As the American military pushes the largely Shiite Iraqi security services into a larger role in combating the insurgency, evidence has begun to mount suggesting that the Iraqi forces are carrying out executions in predominantly Sunni neighborhoods.

Hundreds of accounts of killings and abductions have emerged in recent weeks, most of them brought forward by Sunni civilians, who claim that their relatives have been taken away by Iraqi men in uniform without warrant or explanation.

Some Sunni men have been found dead in ditches and fields, with bullet holes in their temples, acid burns on their skin, and holes in their bodies apparently made by electric drills. Many have simply vanished.

Some of the young men have turned up alive in prison. In a secret bunker discovered earlier this month in an Interior Ministry building in Baghdad, American and Iraqi officials acknowledged that some of the mostly Sunni inmates appeared to have been tortured.


Many of the claims of killings and abductions have been substantiated by at least one human rights organization working here - which asked not to be identified because of safety concerns - and documented by Sunni leaders working in their communities.

American officials, who are overseeing the training of the Iraqi Army and the police, acknowledge that police officers and Iraqi soldiers, and the militias with which they are associated, may indeed be carrying out killings and abductions in Sunni communities, without direct American knowledge.

The article goes on to outline specific cases and similarities among the reports, suggesting that there does, indeed, appear to be a pattern of religious killings taking place.

Solomon Moore has a similar piece in the Los Angeles Times, here posted via the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

Death squads don Iraqi uniforms

The infiltration of Iraq's police force by Shiite militia is confirmed by an Interior Ministry official.

BAGHDAD - Shiite Muslim militia members have infiltrated Iraq's police force and are carrying out sectarian killings under the color of law, according to documents and scores of interviews.

The abuses raise the specter of organized retaliation against Sunni-led insurgents who have killed thousands of Shiites, who endured decades of subjugation under Saddam Hussein.

The abuses also undermine the U.S. effort to stabilize the nation and to train Iraq's security forces -- the Bush administration's prerequisites for a U.S. troop withdrawal.

The story goes on in much the same vein as The Times story, detailing documented cases of death squads pulling Sunni men from their homes and leaving their bodies in ditches.

But these raids don't always result in immediate death.  Sometimes, torture is preferred:

Abuse of prisoners in Iraq widespread, officials say

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Iraqi authorities have been torturing and abusing prisoners in jails across the country, current and former Iraqi officials charged.

Deputy Human Rights Minister Aida Ussayran and Gen. Muntadhar Muhi al-Samaraee, a former head of special forces at the Ministry of the Interior, made the allegations two weeks after 169 men who apparently had been tortured were discovered in a south-central Baghdad building run by the Interior Ministry. The men reportedly had been beaten with leather belts and steel rods, crammed into tiny rooms with tens of others and forced to sit in their own excrement.

A senior American military official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the subject, said he suspected that the abuse wasn't isolated to the jail the U.S. military discovered.

Ussayran said abuse was taking place across the country.

In five visits to a women's prison in Baghdad's Kadhimiya district over more than three months, the Human Rights Ministry found that women were being raped by male guards, Ussayran said. That problem continues.

All of these reports support the comments retired Lt. General William Odom made last week on the NewsHour regarding what he had been hearing from commanders and trainers on the ground in Iraq:

LT. GEN. WILLIAM ODOM (Ret.): It is an illusion to think you could leave a stable military there. What you are leaving is a more competent set of militias, which we are training under the illusion that they are the Iraqi security force and police are essentially a front for militias putting their forces in there.


Bernie (retired Lt. General Bernard Trainor), I know you have been talking to some of the people out there, lots of the trainers at the tactical level know that we're not going to train a security force up; they know these people are more loyal to militias than they are to any Iraqi regime. That is a fact that staying three more years won't change.

Rep. Jack Murtha echoed Odom's statements on what he was hearing from commanders and trainers on the ground.  The Iraqi forces could not be trusted because they owed allegiance to their militias, not the government.

What Democrats need to do now is unite and, as one, demand open accountability from this administration on the real state of the Iraqi military.  And they should recruit the  Republicans who have been skeptical and critical of the administration's handling of this war (McCain, Hagel and others) to back up demands for an open assessment of Iraqi troop readiness.

This needs to happen ASAP, before Bush's Wednesday speech!  So contact your congressional rep and your senators and demand an open and honest assessment of Iraqi troop readiness.

I want the troops out of there as much as the next person, but I refuse to allow Bush to perpetuate yet another lie in order to cover up his own, sorry-ass incompetencies and failures.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Pharmacists refusing to fill prescriptions just the tip of the iceberg

[This post originally appeared on Daily Kos on April 25, 2005.]

As an indication of just how out of hand this pharmacist-style objectionism is sure to get, take a look at my weekend...

Friday night, we took our daughters down to the local ice cream parlor for a treat. Imagine our suprise when, as we sat at a booth enjoying our ice cream, an overweight couple came in, approached the counter, asked for two double-scoop waffle cones with fudge ripple ice cream -- and were promptly turned down by the two servers behind the counter on the grounds that, "We won't serve double scoops of ice cream to obese people. You can have single scoops only."

Needless to say, we were stunned.

When a number of folks (including the couple) suggested that it was not the servers' place to say who can and cannot order a double scoop of ice cream, the employees said it was the policy of the shop owner not to offer two-scoop cones to overweight customers and there was nothing they could do about it.

An argument ensued and we rushed out as the aggrieved male patron amazingly launched all 300+ pounds of himself over the counter to take on the two employees in a massive ice cream-flinging battle.

On the drive home, I decided to stop for gas. A man was filling a Hummer H-1 on the other side of the pump. Suddenly, the man became perplexed and agitated. He started mumbling, "This fucking pump quit. This fucking pump quit." He started banging on the pump with his fists and kicking the metal base. A voice came over the speaker system:

"Sir, you have maxed out on the amount of gas we'll sell you."

The man was enraged, shaking his fist at the employee visible inside the adjacent convenience store.

"What the fuck do you mean I've maxed out? I need another 30 gallons!"

The voice came back, "The manager here limits each purchase to 20 gallons, tops. We have plenty of customers. And we believe you should be driving a more fuel efficient vehicle, sir."

The guy went crazy. He jumped in his Hummer, slammed the door shut, and drove off, tearing the filler hose off the pump and leaving the pump head dangling from his gas tank.

We were all a bit freaked out, so we stopped by the video store to grab a DVD to watch for the evening. Our girls (ages 13 and 14) decided they wanted to see "Garden State." Their friends had seen it and liked it and we had seen it and thought it was fine. So we grabbed a copy and went up to the counter.

The woman behind the counter said, "Great film."

We nodded our heads in agreement.

Then she said, "How old are you girls?"

Our daughters replied with their ages.

The woman asked, "Are you going to watch this movie?"

They nodded, "Yes."

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that. I don't think this film is appropriate for kids your age."

I said, "Are you kidding?"

"No. This is not appropriate. It's R for language, drug use and a scene of sexuality."

"My wife and I have seen it and we think it's fine. These girls are mature."

"Sorry, sir," she said, "but the owner lets us decide what is appropriate for our customers and I deem this film inappropiate for your children."

As is my wont, I told the clerk, "Go fuck yourself," and we left.

Well, needless to say, it was quite a night. We ended up just reading at home.

And I wasn't surprised on Saturday morning when I went to the local greenhouse/garden center to buy our annual plantings and was told by a worker there, "Well, I would sell you those marigolds, but I can tell you don't have a green thumb. We take great care and great pride in where we send our plants to live. So I'm afraid I can't sell them to you."

I was supposed to pick up my wife's birth control pills on the way home... but I didn't want to press my luck.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

EXCLUSIVE: September 21, 2001 PDB w/ Cheney mark-up

A highly reliable, confidential source has slipped me an excerpted copy of the Presidential Daily Briefing (PDB) from September 21, 2001 -- as it appeared after Vice President Cheney edited it, and prior to it being presented to the President. This is the briefing which was withheld by the White House from the Senate committee investigating the use of pre-war intelligence. Cheney's notes and marks are included here for your perusal.

In particular, I was given the portion of the PDB pertaining to the CIA's attempts to uncover links between Saddam Hussein/Iraq, and the 9-11 perpetrators and al Qaeda.

It is clear from Cheney's notes that the PDB was to be "cleaned up" in accordance with his mark-up prior to presentation to the President. As such, it is unlikely that the President ever saw the PDB in it's original form.

[NOTE: All of Cheney's handwritten notes will appear in bold italic underline. All strikethrougths by the Vice President are as noted.]

Presidential Daily Briefing
September 21, 2001

CIA Report: No Iraq/Saddam links to 9-11 suspects/al Qaeda Retitle as follows... CIA Report: Definite links between 9-11 terrorists/al Qaeda, and Saddam Hussein and Iraq

After a thorough review of all relevant intelligence sources, including our own agents, available foreign service intelligence, worldwide listening posts, electronic eavesdropping, satellite reconnaissance, and an exhaustive compendium of historical intelligence dating to 1985, we conclude that there was absolutely no a deep, ongoing and abiding connection between the government of Saddam Hussein and 9-11 terrorists (led by Mohammed Atta) and the al Qaeda terrorist organization.

Reports of a meeting between 9-11 plot leader, Mohammed Atta, and Iraqi intelligence sources in an Eastern European capitol have proven to be unfounded true. Evidence points to not only a meeting, but, in fact, a dinner at an expensive French restaurant with the tab being charged to the personal MasterCard of Saddam Hussein.

Also, the claim that Iraqi military and chemical and biological weapons experts were training al Qaeda operatives in the use of these weapons is unsupported by intelligence. a well documented fact, supported by reams of evidence including the stated intention of these combined Iraqi/al Qaeda forces to set off a "mushroom cloud" in the United States. In fact, Saddam Hussein's secular government both fears and loathes al Qaeda, and his secret police and military have actively sought out and killed al Qaeda operatives who have ventured into Iraq. Iraqi weapons experts and al Qaeda trainees meet Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings at the Iraqi military facility in Tikrit. They start with a light breakfast including some delicious Iraqi pastries and some some dark, Middle Eastern-style coffee before moving on to bomb-making classes in a sophisticated weapons facility disguised as an abandonded Wal-Mart.

In addition, no information connecting any Iraqi officials -- including Saddam Hussein -- with the attacks of 9-11 was found. There is no evidence of communication between any of the suspected 9-11 terrorists and Iraqi officials, and no evidence of communication between al Qaeda and Iraqi officials. Saddam Hussein placed a personal phone call to Mohammed Atta's cell phone just hours before Atta's plane took off from Boston. The two discussed the Red Sox chances in the playoffs as well as what color socks and belt would be most inconspicuous for Atta's terrorist crew to wear on their flights. Hussein's final words to Atta were, "Who's your Saddy?" to which Atta replied, "Saddam Hussein is my Saddy!"

In conclusion, we find absolutely no shitloads of evidence of a connection between Iraq, Saddam Hussein and Iraqi military and weapons experts, and the 9-11 hijackers, al Qaeda and/or al Qaeda operatives.

VP NOTE: Fix this as per my notes, Tenet. Don't worry about Numbnuts. He believes whatever I tell him to believe. And he's so fucking lazy, you can be sure he will not have read any reports, and, thus, isn't likely to ask any questions. If Powell says anything at all, tell him you heard his kid is in danger of losing the FCC gig. I'll handle Rumsfeld and Rice. She's been instructed to play "mommy" for Numbnuts in case he gets all nervous and bed-wetty about the war thing.

And please don't send me any more of this crap that doesn't back up our Iraq efforts, Tenet. What the fuck is wrong with you? Get yourself some fiction writers over there in Langley. Must be thousands of the bastards available for freelance work. I'm getting pretty goddamned tired of having to rewrite your reports. Am I making myself clear?

-- Dick Cheney

I am sure there is more to this story. I will update this piece and/or write additional pieces should my confidential source provide further information.

Please be aware that I may be violating federal statutes by publishing this material. I may return to request donations to my personal defense fund.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Iraqis Call for Withdrawal Timetable; Cheney Threatens Torture


Iraqi Leaders Urge a Timetable for Eventual Troop Withdrawal

Nov. 21 (Bloomberg) -- Iraqi leaders, meeting at a reconciliation conference in Cairo, urged an end to violence in the country and demanded a timetable for the withdrawal of coalition troops from Iraq.

Cheney responded to this latest outrage almost immediately:

LIMA, OHIO (Rooters) -- Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to Iraqi leadership calls for a withdrawal timetable for coalition forces from Iraq, today claimed the Iraqi request "is yet another attempt by the enemies of freedom to undermine our troops."

Appearing before the small group of Americans who, for some inexplicable reason, still like him, the Vice President chided the Iraqi leadership, calling them "dishonest and reprehensible."

The crowd of 13 hand-picked citizens roared its approval.

"They are aligning themselves with the likes of the Democrat coward, Jack Murtha, who stands with the terrorists," Cheney continued. "These people will stop at nothing to undermine American resolve."

Cheney called for all those demanding withdrawal timelines to be tortured "within an inch of their lives."

"We will not behead them," Cheney noted, "because we are a civilized people. However, we reserve the right to yank out their fingernails, one at a time, with a needlenose pliers and attach highly-charged electrodes to their genitalia."

The small group in attendance rose to its feet, chanting, "Death to the infidels!"

Cheney interrupted the chanting to add, "I have three words for the cowardly traitors in the Iraqi leadership and in the Democratic Party here at home who want to us to cut and run from our mission of bringing democracy and freedom to the people of Iraq. And those three words are, 'Go fuck yourselves!'"

The 13 people began chanting in unison, "Go fuck yourselves!"

Cheney then stalked from the podium, refusing to take reporters' questions.

[Credit to Doc Allen at Daily Kos for the "Go fuck yourself" addendum.]

updait! this iz not bob jonsen riting

[NOTE from Bob Johnson: My dog, Rex, posted this to Daily Kos on March 14, 2005. It was the first known blog post by Rex.]

helo my naim is rex an i am bob jonsens dog. bob is not hoam so i am uzink tha cumpyuter to tipe heer.

u shood no that bob duz not scrach my stumick wen i wont him to. an wen i wont him to scrach beehine my eers he wil not do it awl the time. he taiks me for wawks but maik me stop wen i chais skwerls.

allso he gifs me dri dog food. i hait dry dog food. an if u wur a dog u wood to. i wont bereetos. an i lyk sooshee to.

if u lyk dogs pleez tel bob to gif me sooshee.

ask me a kweshtin too.

-- rex

updait! dis iz my las pos! evur! peepul keep pootink picshers uf stoopit catz on my pos! i am uhlerjic to catz an u r maikin me snees! woof! woff! woof! gooby!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Welcome to Satiric Mutt

To folks who know me from Daily Kos, this is simply a place where I will archive my stuff. Welcome.

From time to time, Rex may post here. His posts will likely be put up late at night. I have never caught him blogging (I'm still curious how he types with paws), but he does post -- somehow.

Leave a comment if you are so inclined. And if you have a message for Rex, you can leave it here.

CLASSIFIED: Minutes of 6/10/03 National Security Council Meeting

At great risk to my own freedom (as well as the freedom of the source who provided me these materials), I am posting a transcript of the National Security Council (NSC) meeting from June 10, 2003.

In the meeting, the particpants discuss exposing Valerie Plame's name to various media sources. Included in the meeting:

  • George Bush

  • Dick Cheney

  • Donald Rumsfeld

  • Condoleeza Rice

  • Stephen Hadley

  • Karl Rove

If I stop posting for more than a day, you will know that I have been hauled in for questioning. If I cease posting for more than a week, you will know that I've been dragged down to Guantanamo. And if I never post here again, you will know that I was renditioned to Uzbekistan where I had my sense of humor forcibly removed using only a set of needlenose pliers and a curling iron.

Read on for the full transcript...

CLASSIFIED: Transcript of 6/10/03 National Security Council meeting

HADLEY: So who gets to tell old Banlon Bob about Wilson's covert old lady?

CHENEY: (unintelligible)


RICE: No, I won't take him to dinner and seduce him, Dick.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

HADLEY: Why you? I would LOVE to tell him!

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

ROVE: Agreed, the bastard will do anything to get an exclusive for his next book, but you're the Vice President and we have to keep you in the clear. And, besides, the way you mumble, he might think her name is 'Flame' and not 'Plame'.


CHENEY: (unintelligible)


HADLEY: Dick, you kill me!

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

BUSH: Yeah! Torture, not kill, Steve! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh--

ROVE: Cut that stupid cackle, George. You sound like a little girl when you do that.

BUSH: Oh... Sorry, everyone.

RUMSFELD: I would do it, but Woodward is such a suck ass, I'm likely to--

LIBBY: Don, in all honesty, you're not talking to anybody anymore. Go back to the Pentagon and stay in your office like Karl told you to.

RUMSFELD: Fuck you, Scooter.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

RUMSFELD: Maybe I am, Dick, but I'm still smarter than numbnuts over there.

BUSH: Are you pointing at me?

ROVE: Shut up, George.

BUSH: I want Andy to call my mom... Right now!

RICE: Now, calm down George. Please, Don, stop with the 'numbnuts' talk.

HADLEY: Look, I'm telling Woodward. Okay?

CHENEY: (unintelligible)

HADLEY: I have his number on speed dial, Dick. And I'm still faster than you!


CHENEY: (unintelligible)


LIBBY: Okay, but I get to tell Judy Miller.

HADLEY: Oh, look at him jump on that!


RUMSFELD: You mean literally?

HADLEY: Why not? Everyone else has!


RUMSFELD: Scooter thinks Judy's hot.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)


BUSH: Yeah, Condi is way hotter, especially when she wears her spike heel black boots and her--

ROVE: George... Inappropriate. Again.


RICE: You guys act like you're in your high school lockerroom.

HADLEY: Hey, you should be flattered. We think you're way hotter than Judy Miller!

RICE: I wish you'd st--

CHENEY: (unintelligible)


LIBBY: It IS hard to tell when colored people are blushing, Dick!


HADLEY: Okay, I got Woodward, Scooter's got Miller.

ROVE: I'll do my part and make a few calls.

BUSH: Should I call any--

ROVE: Shut up.

BUSH: But--

ROVE: Shut up.


ROVE: Shut up.

CHENEY: (unintelligible)


RICE: Yes, yes, Dick we'll 'gut that fucker, Wilson.' Good job, everyone. Meeting adjourned!


Woodward to Become Own 'Deep Throat'; Sell Book, Movie Rights for Millions

Item from Friday's New York Times:

WASHINGTON, Nov. 17 - The executive editor of The Washington Post said on Thursday that if other reporters at the newspaper independently discovered the identity of Bob Woodward's confidential source in the C.I.A. leak case, the newspaper might decide to publish the source's name.

I was just slipped a galley proof of the first couple of chapters from Woodward's upcoming book on the Plame leak, The Post Man Always Rings Thrice.

Here's a sneak peek...

Chapter One: Who Knew?

Jim VandeHei and Carol Leonnig, two reporters for The Washington Post, were at their desks in The Post newsroom when VandeHei's phone rang. He picked it up.

"Jim VandeHei."

A voice that sounded familiar, but that VandeHei couldn't place, said in a muffled tone, "I will call back in 15 seconds. Let the phone ring three times and then answer."

VandeHei heard a click. The line went dead. He looked around the newsroom. Carol Leonnig's desk was next to VandeHei's.

Leonnig noted VandeHei's look of puzzlement. "What's up, Jim?"

"I just had the weirdest call. The guy said he'd call back in 15 seconds and I was to let it ring three times before answering."

"What? That is weird."

Just then, VandeHei's phone rang again. As he instinctively reached for the phone, he heard a voice from somewhere in the newsroom shout, "Not yet!" VandeHei wheeled around in his desk chair to see who had shouted, but the rest of newsroom seemed busy. Nothing out of the ordinary. On the third ring, VandeHei answered his phone.

The muffled voice again. "Meet me in the parking garage, level C, spot 126 in five minutes. And come alone."

"What's this all about," VandeHei asked, scribbling down the garage level and parking spot on a piece of paper.

Another click. The line went dead... again.

There is more and I may post further excerpts in the coming days.

My source tells me that Woodward will become his own Deep Throat but has sworn himself to secrecy. According to the source, Woodward will maintain his vow of silence on being his own source until he reaches age 72 (10 years from now) when he plans to reveal the secret as part of the PR kickoff accompanying the release of his book on the subject, tentatively titled, Keeping Secrets from Myself: How I Managed to Not Reveal My Identity to Me for a Decade.

Woodward refused to comment for this story.